merry christmas

I would like to wish everyone who frequents this space a Merry Christmas and a totally far out new year. Be good! Be nice! And may the spirit of this season fill your hearts with cheer, joy and thankfulness. Let there be peace on earth and goodwill between our fellow men.

In the words of tiny Tim, "God bless us, everyone."

Love
Tristan D.

With cheer the angels did sing,
Of our glorious emergent king,
Born in a simple manger,
To be worshiped by all therein,
And all on this earthly plain,

From our sins he would save us,
Eternal life to give us,
But for now the infant king,
Born as man, incarnate God,
Lays in that cradle sweetly sleeping,

With prayer and praise,
In us a song of hope we raise,
For us man and our salvation,
For peace and goodwill amongst us dwelling,
For this our heavenly king

change your mind - boyce avenue

There you are with your perfect way
You’ve got that little shine in your eyes
To hear one word would make my day
But there’s no room for me in your life

Oh you’ve got me down on my knees
Oh and in my mind I can see
How perfect everything could be
But you won’t give us a try

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now

I try to move on but your perfect way
Has got this little child asking why
But this world keeps spinning
As my heart stops beating
Is there still no room inside

Oh you’ve got me down on my knees
Oh and in my mind I can see
How perfect everything could be
But you won’t give us a try

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now

If I could change your mind
(Please tell me I’m not the only one)
(Please help me believe I’m not the only one)
If I could change your mind

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now
If I could change your mind
How would you hold me
Would you stay forever
Or just leave me here to drown

If I could change your mind
(Change your mind)
If I could change your mind
(Change your mïnd)

the solo and i

So I'm stuck doing a solo at this year's nine lessons and carols service. Not exactly my idea of fun but with my dad being the choirmaster I've no choice but to sing. I generally loathe having to sing solo and this is the second time he's slotted me for a solo. Nerves mainly. I've no problem with the song it's a simple one and it's only a verse, just rather not have to do it.

A little background on the service. It was started in the Christmas of 1942 as a way of keeping the morale up of the prisoners of war in Changi jail, Singapore by Rev. Hayter. He later became the incumbent of our parish and introduced that prayer vigil as its current format. 9 Lessons from the bible which talk of the birth of Christ and his purpose here. Interspersed are carols or hymns tied to the theme of the lesson read. It's a big deal. It's tradition. It's something to look forward to. My solo is after the lesson about the magi or wise men from the east who sought to honour Christ with their gifts and praise. I'm singing the second verse of "We Three Kings of Orient are".

Born a King on Bethlehem's plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again
King forever, ceasing never
Over us all to reign

Here is a link to a youtube video of the song. Click here

I keep my singing voice to myself. It's how its always been. I'm quite content standing in the back singing the various parts be it soprano, tenor, baritone or bass. My preference being tenor. Sigh. Sucks having your entire family so involved in things, saying no is generally out of the question. Fortunately for me church is the only place where I'm asked to sing and I hope I keep it that way. I even hate it when they ask me to read the lessons worse still that one time they asked me to give a sermon or well message.

I did and it was well received. It was based on a passage in John, chapter 1:1-14.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.

I talked about where the focus of Christmas had gone (down the tubes in my opinion) and how our focus had taken us away from its true meaning and the passage served to remind us of why we celebrate Christmas. I tied it up to that song by faith hill "Where are you Christmas". I did it all through a short play. I only had to speak for about 7mins at the very end. I allowed the play to be the message. Clever right?

Yes I have a very even speaking voice that reverberates, yes I have near impeccable pronunciation skills, yes I know how to throw my voice, yes I have a pleasant singing voice but I don't enjoy showcasing it. I like the obscurity of anonymity. If church has taught me one thing, it's not about what I want but what is required of me. I like being behind my bass guitar. I like standing in front of the drum set and drowning myself in the beat. Lost. Hidden. With only my presence felt or heard in this case. Yes obscurity that is what I like.

Oh well duty calls, wish me luck.

i can only imagine - mercy me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

find the way - mika nakashima

I like Japanese songs, well some.

runaway train - soul asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

CHORUS
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

CHORUS

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

someday

someday the lullaby won't be enough,
someday the whispers will quiet,
someday the lullaby will be trite,
someday the whispers will fade,

someday it will be clear,
someday i'll know,
someday it will all be over,
someday i'll know,

someday to be found in oblivion,
someday to be lost in consciousness,
someday to escape,
someday not too far away,

paperthin hymn - anberlin

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violins become my only friends


August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)

These thoughts run through my head

passion

glamour her name,
movements lithe and supple in light framed,
beauty undeniable though intellect be her fame,
this boy could not help but be amazed,

the music took her,
her passion for life displayed,
heart in sync with the beat's pulse,
bending her to its will, her body caved

to the rhythm her hips swayed,
back and forth, side to side she moved with grace,
euphoric in the grooves embrace,
this goddess sublime upon the dance floor she paced,

Q - evans blue

Are you saying love
Or are you saying nothing
Still life is a crime
That I can't ignore
Your perfect ways will follow
The temperature that's rising
All this time you never let me think

It was the hardest part to know
It was the fastest we could run
It was the farthest we could go
We are a lie my angel

Cause for hate and
A cause for ending
It sounds so easy
But everytime we were supposed to let go
We'd make love
Now pull me closer let the heat take over

Call me your way
Call me away
Don't end it open
I tried to love you like before
If this was our night
It was the best one of our lives

Are you saying now
Or are you saying never
The still frame in my mind cannot be ignored
And all I can remember
Is the way you moved your body
And how your lips never said no
But it was killing you inside
Cause you thought I was the one
And now it's out of your control
You have arrived my angel

Cause for hate and
A cause for ending
It sounds so easy
But everytime we were supposed to let go
We'd make love
Now pull me closer let the heat take over you
You

And we were drawing lines not to cross
So we would never feel a thing
And now it's breaking you apart
Just like it broke your heart

Cause for hate and
A cause for ending
It sounds so easy
But everytime we were supposed to let go
We'd make love
Now pull me closer let the heat take over

Call me your way
Call me away
Don't end it open
I tried to love you like before
If this was our night
It was the best one of our lives

undone

the raven's herald,
of a world burning,
a path the flames paving,
in its wake new life birthing,
the beauty of destruction's hand,
new creations in the purifying fire,
make me anew, my mind and body renew,
so that i might see the truth,
of a world come undone,
and the new order we've made,

death's dance

this cancer breeding,
of my own doing,
you a disease i'm not medicating,
a situation to remedy,
what do you think love?

to let you go,
to cut you out,
where do i start?
maybe in this heart?
does that scare you love?

we don't exist,
once i'm done neither will i,
and you'll hate who i won't be,
as all around the world comes crumbling down,
can't you see the beauty in anarchy love?

i, chaos have apportioned,
of grace there is none,
scorched earth in my stead,
to burn you out of my sight,
do the blind see peace love?

i've gone too far,
no not far enough,
i can still feel,
not, would be worth dying for,
the glorious silence love

in death's dance i partake,
for freedom from you i wait,
as the ritual my soul slowly breaks,
till glassed memories are all that remains,
and this remnant of the fallen is reborn

glass to the arson - anberlin

Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies

And gravity prevails this time it's over
And you think you're the one

Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy
It's all I wish to hear tonight
And your all I wish to be
And this is how we all fall

Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries

And innocence derailed
Savage the poison
Unhurried compass east

Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy
It's all I wish to hear tonight
And your all I wish to be
And this is how we all fall

Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries

And we are, we are, we are the arsons
Who start all of your fires

And we are the arsons
Who start all of your fires, burning
Burning your city down

Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries
Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries

cinders

It's cold out tonight,
The fire has gone out inside,
So I light up another smoke,
to warm myself as i stare out,
the view empty something I'm familiar with,

Spinning in place,
I hate how you've got me turned out,
In my darkest place,
I hate how you've made me feel,
I wear myself on my sleeve for you,
Give me a sign so I can let you go,

Reality poses a question not an answer,
You've possessed me, haunting me now,
In dreams I can't escape you,
You're consuming me with every hour,
Pass me by, just go away, leave me now,

Spinning in place,
I hate how you've got me turned out,
In my darkest place,
I hate how you've got me questioning the truth,
I've worn myself on my sleeve,
Let me let you go,

I take another drag,
the fire close to my finger tips,
Maybe this will kill me,
And finally I'll have some peace,
Maybe it will kill me before you do,

Spinning in place,
I hate how you've got me turned out,
In my darkest place,
I hate how you've got me turning on myself,
I've worn myself on my sleeve for too long,
It's time I let it go,

Go home, don't come back,
I'll still be here desolate without you,
The view won't change,
The sun never rises,
My smokes are my only light,

Spinning in place,
I hate how you've got me turned out,
In my darkest place,
I hate how you've got me slipping, tripping,
I've worn myself on my sleeve for you,
The pace to fast, I'm going down,

I take my last drag,
put out that fire not mine,
Sorrow with me silently,
Cinders, all that is left of my fire,
Ashes, all that is left of me,

Spinning in place,
I hate how you've got me turned out,
I can't wear myself out anymore,
I've burnt out,
I can't wear myself out anymore,
I've burnt out,

paper wings - rise against

One last thing I beg you please, just before you go
I've watched you fly on paper wings half way round the world
until they burned up in the atmosphere and sent you spiraling down
Landing somewhere far from here with no one else around
To catch you falling down
And I'm looking at you now

And I can't tell if you're laughing
Between each smile there's a tear in your eye
There's a train leaving town in an hour
It's not waiting for you and neither am I

Swing for the fences son, he must have told you once
That was a conversation you took nothing from
SO RAISE YOUR GLASS NOW AND celebrate exactly what you've done
Just put off another day of knowing where you're from
You can catch up with yourself
if you run

And I can't tell if you're laughing
Between each smile there's a tear in your eye
There's a train leaving town in an hour
Its not waiting for you and neither am I

Is this the life that you lead?
The life that's led for you?
Will you take the road thats been laid out before you
Will we cross paths somewhere else tonight?
Somewhere else tonight...
(Somewhere else.....)

And I cant tell if you're laughing
Between each smile there's a tear in your eye
There's a train leaving town in an hour
It's not waiting for you and neither am I

And I cant tell if you're laughing
Between each smile theres a tear in your eye
Theres a train leaving town in an hour
Its not waiting for you and neither am I

pressure - staind

I just need this to be all right
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I just need this to be alright
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear
I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

My head hurts this shit
isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the
room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium
to slowly kick in

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

my friend "the retarded one"

I've decided to do a series of posts on my very colourful friends and their very quirky ways and how that makes my days complete. Be they the building blocks of the day or the icing on the proverbial cake.

I met the retarded one during the orientation program of the previous semester. He was a buddy and He reminded me of a crazy Moses. He was sporting a full beard at the time and was randomly saying crazy things. If you think about it, the Israelites would have probably thought that Moses was pretty nuts, leading them out into the desert and such. I digress.

So what of the retarded one? He has a terrible disposition when he's very hungry other than that he can be quite charming. If you ever need a pep talk, go to him. He'll relate to you one of his dragon slayer stories in which you are the dragon slayer who has slain a dragon and well he tells it a lot better than I do. He's given me my fair share of dragon slayer stories for the various downers I've had over the last two semesters.

A real man because when it comes down to it, you can always count on him. We have too many running gags for me to do any justice to by writing them in this space. Let me assure you that any time spent with this chap is time well spent.

Here is to you mate. You bastard! You went out drinking without me! Dirty bastard!

Oh well still love you mate. Haha.

the valkryie are no more

take me starshine lead me aright,
bury me starshine there is nought to fight,
the lights are out in Valhalla,
Odin has fallen and the Gods are no more,

I the slain chosen starshine,
but the Valkyrie are no more,
lay me down starshine bury me deep,
for we've lost, at Ragnarok our defeat,

They cannot bring me back starshine,
and you should not try my love,
this warrior has fought his last,
now disgraced all he seeks is freedom's escape,

The Valkyrie are no more,
and Valhalla is cold,
lead me one last time starshine,
lead me to where I may lie forever in your grace,

my friend "the rockstar"

I've decided to do a series of posts on my very colourful friends and their very quirky ways and how that makes my days complete. Be they the building blocks of the day or the icing on the proverbial cake.

My friend the rockstar. Is not a rockstar though she has all the glamour in her to be that diva rockstar you see on tv. She is fabulous. Odd. Quirky. Random. Beautiful.

Blessed with a brilliant mind, this woman is destined for greatness. You can almost see the stardust falling off this shooting star as she blazes through your life. It's almost too much to handle till she goes and does something or says something comical and you look at her and see this little girl who you can't help but adore. Did I mention she's a funky dancer? Yeah this lady can move her hips and what a nice set of hips she has.

Moving on. How did we meet? At the women's room in Monash. Well not really. At the editors office downstairs when she was asking about some twit I had had the unfortunate pleasure of grouping with for a project. I proceeded to give her my perception of him. We went on to talking a lot over facebook's brilliant chat system. After a millennia we exchanged emails and started chatting over msn. Finally had our first proper conversation in person at this semester's orientation program and only exchanged phone numbers after the monash ball. You don't get much more platonic than that.

Our running joke is how set apart we feel from the world around us. We the people of our lofty places. I reason it's cause we have our heads so far up our arses. She agrees. Another joke we have is her reference to men as being halal and non-halal. Her charm personified.

At times she refers to me as by the grace of God. A reference to a story I told her about myself. We are kindred spirits.

This is to you rockstar.

my friend "dajuice"

I've decided to do a series of posts on my very colourful friends and their very quirky ways and how that makes my days complete. Be they the building blocks of the day or the icing on the proverbial cake.

My friend Dajuice or so his gaming handle goes is one of my closest friends. I met him what seems like an eternity ago on a university field trip to Sunway Pyramid's ice skating ring (it's actually an oval). I sized him up and thought to myself, sweaty palm pervert. I wasn't wrong and it's a good thing. Well the sweaty palm thing could be a problem for some but since I don't ever find cause to hold his hand I'm quite right. I watched him slam into a wall of the ring, he was going to fast on the ice his first time ice skating, didn't know how to break and bam, Dajuice meet wall, wall meet Dajuice. The lecture and I had to laugh.

I also singled him out as being the most intelligent person on that field trip which was the catalyst for our friendship. His apparent vastly superior intellect to the others lead to me asking him for his notes as the exams drew near. It was the foot in for our friendship. I didn't see myself acquiring a new friend that day but I did and I'm glad.

A constant running joke about our friendship is that Dajuice is my wife. I personally think if I was into men, I would have better taste. That being said ladies he's a terrific guy. Don't let his mum find him a penguin to marry. Do the right thing be a man... err I mean woman and get to know this awesome guy. Riddled with idiosyncrasies he is one unique individual. You'll love him as I have grown to.

He's in love with my dog. The dude is odd and I wouldn't have it any other way. Life wouldn't be if it weren't for him. He's bailed me out so many times. I repay him with the occasional chocolate.

This is to you Dajuice.

my friend "minimus"

I've decided to do a series of posts on my very colourful friends and their very quirky ways and how that makes my days complete. Be they the building blocks of the day or the icing on the proverbial cake. I start with the last person I spoke with online tonight and the rest shall proceed in no particular order.

This friend is a funny bunny, a goofy girl and has a case of selective herpetophobia lizardsaurus minimus or so I've pronounced it as such. More importantly she makes me happy, makes me smile.

First things first, herpetophobia is the fear of reptiles and while she's only afraid of your everyday garden variety lizard or gecko I've decided her reaction to the presence of a lizard should be given it's own name hence selective herpetophobia lizardsaurus minimus. Thus providing me a new nickname for her "Minimus". I use it with all the affection I can muster.

I met her sometime at the beginning of the previous semester, one of those random occurrences or perhaps not, owing to the fact that God works in mysterious ways. I know she'll get a kick out of that line.

While the meeting of two people is not necessarily the kick off for a friendship and I personally count the start of our friendship as being the day we were stuck at a bus stop while the rain fell all around us. It was a good day. I love the rain and so does she. It made for good conversation time. From their our friendship has progressed and strengthened and only proceeds to get stronger.

A running joke between us is the naming of "our" children. Why this joke? I have no idea where it started, might be that one time we had a talk about her biological clock counting down and I being the gentleman that I am stepped up and offered my services in an effort to save the species. Doing my part to ensure the continued survival of the human race. I think. I might be wrong. On another note none of the names I come up with are ever right for "our" kids. Women! Gah! Haha.

The women is nuts. I swear it's a good thing. It's an awesome thing. When I'm down, she makes me smile, when I'm out of touch, she reconnects me. I've no complaints on the nuttiness that ensues. We have the most brilliant chats about everything and nothing and we share the same great taste in music. Well almost, some of my music is more awesome. No one is perfect.

I don't know where life will take us but I'm glad I met her. I love her as I do all my friends.

Here is to you minimus.

More friends to come.

the kill - 30 seconds to mars

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

stormtrooper

art in me - jars of clay

Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
And you plead to everyone, "see the art in me"

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
And you plead to everyone, "see the art in me

goodbye, goodnight - jars of clay

A flower for your vanity, a penny for your thoughts
About the worlds insanity and how weve gotten lost
Strike up the band to play a song as we go waltzing by
And fake a smile as we all say goodbye

Goodbye, oh goodbye

Say a prayer for recognition, kiss the ones you love
Gather up the ammunition, sigh for all the lost
Strike up the band to play a song as we go waltzing by
And fake a smile as we all say goodbye

Raise a glass for ignorance, drink a toast to fear
The beginning of the end has come thats why we all are here
Strike up the band to play a song and try hard not to cry
And fake a smile as we all say goodbye
Goodbye

my suicide note

Note: Before you read this understand that I am not suicidal, that this is a work of fiction, that I am in a bad mood and that I am very bored.

To the person who reads this,

I took my life today and the world probably did not notice that fact till you found my corpse with this note by my side. Still even with the knowledge of my passing the world will not be moved with sorrow, it will not mourn my loss, it will continue to spin as it always has and after my body has been cremated everyone who attended my funeral will go on with their lives. Let that be a lesson to you, no one really cares and the truth be told no one is obliged to.

To my mother, I'm sorry I was never the son I should have been and once again I fail you because I shall never be able to be that person. You always made things right, you always mended my heart and set me straight but not this time, I've done something no one can fix. I pray your heart mends soon, my sister and father will need you more than ever. My father especially. I love you and in death I will still love you wherever I may be.

To my father, I will never be the man I could have been, soon I shall be nothing more than the ash that lines your ashtray. My passing will lighten the load and my sister's future is now secure. I won't be around to argue with you and to test your patience. Perhaps my sister will benefit from the extra patience you can give her. I love you pap, I'm sorry I wasted so much and now have amounted to so little.

To my sister, you are special and I know that in life I never told you just how special you are. I know I gave you a hard time and I said things that put you down. Looking back on those things now I realise that I was always jealous at how much better you had things. Smarter, faster, better looking you are everything I wish I could have been. Do not let this stop you from achieving the greatness that was meant for you. At least I will have one less thing to envy about you in death. I love you and I will miss you.

To my friends, you made my daily life bearable, some of you were the building blocks of my day and others the icing on the cake. You all had your part to play in keeping me around but now I'm too far into myself to be enticed by your beauty and your friendship. This is where I end our journey together, this is where I say goodbye.

Dear reader no one, not one of you could have done anything to save me. Because I never wanted to save myself. I took my life not because I was afraid of the future but because I could see no future, I took my life not because I have no reason to live but the reasons I have weren't enough, I took my life because I couldn't face another day being me. I love you all more than anything and there in lies the problem, I have no more love left for myself. Fear not, none of you shall have to see me suffer in the place I'm going to, hell is not for any of you. Goodbye.

Yours sincerely,
Tristan D.

why do i bother?

I do not know hence the question. Like duh!

The question you should be asking yourself is "what shouldn't he bother with?"

And the answer to that is everything. Indeed.

I don't know why I do half the things I do. The nice things for the less enlightened.

I should just be the arsehole I was born to be.

Feelings are such trifle things, being an arsehole would enable me to not care if I hurt them. Being nice means I've got tell you I'm ok when really all I want to do is go back to bed. Or say fuck the world.

Being an arsehole will also get me scores of women or so I'm told. Being nice surely hasn't done the trick.

Being an arsehole will let me cut that other arsehole off on the road without my conscience getting in the way. Being nice gets you nowhere at best and at worse cut off by that arsehole without a conscience.

Being an arsehole gets you free shit and allows you to talk down to people. Being nice gets you talked down at and your shit taken from you.

Being an arsehole, I wouldn't ask myself why I bother, because I wouldn't bother and then I wouldn't have anything to be bother about.

Fuck! I should be an arsehole! I'd fucking rock! I'd be able to say shit like fuck those fuck fucking fuckers!

Arseholes unite! For the record that does not mean I'm anal retentive. Butt you get the point.

Heck being nice sucks fucking balls.

See being an arsehole allows me to use gratuitous amounts of profanity without anyone being able to say jack shit about it. Being nice means I've got to keep in mind what people think of me. I say fuck you! I guess I've already become an arsehole.

Now I can go on with my life not giving a shit about anyone or anything. Thus not being bothered.

And as part of my induction into the brotherhood of being an arsehole I say that I hate you, your family, your dog, those kids from down the street and most of all I hate the fish, oh how I loathe the fish!

Hail to the king baby! Fuck yeah!

dean martin - you're nobody till somebody loves you

You're nobody 'til somebody loves you
You're nobody 'til somebody cares.
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold,
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody to love.

The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, find yourself somebody,
Find yourself somebody to love.

dirty hungarian phrasebook - monty python

no my dear you aren't perfect

You aren't perfect my dear and that is why He loves you. That is why I love you.

A friend and I discuss the perfect example of being a Christian, she tells me she's definitely not a good example of a Christian, I ask her when did she become perfect? I tell her, I remember her being human and trying and that is what counts. I say the only perfect example is Christ, she concurs.

We are trying to emulate a life that is completely foreign to our nature, some of us are closer than others. I reckon I'm pretty far behind and she is way ahead, I still try though.

We talk about God and his work, I think no one can truly stand in the way of God's work, except us with His work in our lives. We are the measure of the success or failure for the plans He has for us. We decide whether or not God's plan for us comes to pass.

If I make myself immovable then God cannot use me. But He can still move me out of the way so that someone else may benefit from His grace and His plan. Some days I fear that has already happened to me. Much like the branch of the tree that doesn't bear fruit must be removed so that the rest of the tree maybe preserved, I fear I have been cut away. It's lonely without Him. Though it does also say in the bible that just as it can be cut away, it can also be reattached, graphed back onto the tree.

Though I think it's the flaws in us and how God helps us to overcome them that makes us useful to Him. If we were perfect to start with we would have no stories to tell of how we were refined, our ministry would be without substance and we would never be able to reach out. The bible talks about God putting us through the refiner's fire to make us pure gold, so that we may be set apart to do His will. The strife we go through makes us into what we need to be in order to accomplish what is needed of us.

So no my dear you aren't perfect but that is what makes you perfect for Him.

Completely perfect imperfection. Now it's your turn to write.

a sad clown

i tear and i don't know why,
i let out this long sigh,
i look to see,
and i know that it will never be,

i am foolhardy to believe,
naive to think it true,
it was never meant to be,
and now i can see,

one cannot make what doesn't exist,
to hope is to live in vain,
a price i have paid,
and now i lay it all in the grave,

the painted smile gone,
tears the only mark on my face,
laugh at the fool now,
i the court jester down,

i open my eyes one last time,
to see the beauty i thought mine,
i tear and i know why,
i simply sigh as the light slowly dies,

kiss the rain - billie myers

be thou my vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

you and i - the scorpions

pictures

"Who are you?" A question that I ask myself when I look in the mirror and at one point I knew the answer to the question, I once knew who I was. Today I can barely recognise the eyes staring back at me. Who am I?

When I close my eyes, I find myself walking down a poorly lit hallway lined with pictures forming a collage that depicts what I think is supposed to be my life but I can't recognise the person in the pictures. The pictures are unfocused, scarred, incomplete. I can make no sense of what I see.

I see pain in one picture, sadness in another, revenge, anger, they are all pictures. I see joy, happiness. I see love. But that is the most scarred picture of them all. Tattered. Torn. A picture of loneliness.

Who am I? Do you know?

rage

The rage rises in my blood once again,
The hatred pounding in my skull once again,
The bloodlust returns, a broken soul's vengeance,
The abomination is taking control, I'm helpless again

I can taste hate's bitterness in my mouth,
I can feel its excitement as the cycle begins again,
I can feel the pressure in my head build as it asserts itself again,
My every fibre burns with hatred for you,

You ask me why? I answer,
You opened the flood gates,
You ask me how? I answer,
I loved you; you could not see it,

Now I loathe your presence,
Now I will cut your cancer from my heart,
Now the demon long buried returns,
Now this pain must die,

You must die, my bloodlust assuaged,
I must die; sins price my soul's suicide,
And I will laugh over your grave,
And I will cry over your grave,

Then there will be silence.

Note: In light of my more macabre posts, I've decided to dig one more up from my former self.

pain

i strike you down with my fist,
bleed my knuckles for you,
the skin split from the hit,
i relish the pain,

insolent creature unworthy of my time,
still in this undertaking i am exacting,
inflicting pain for you to learn,
understand that i rule over you,

against your face i rest my heel,
your humiliation complete,
you cry for mercy, plead to my humanity,
i laugh at your frailty,

humanity like morality a concept laughable,
manufactured by years of conditioning,
the world a slave to it submitting,
our ability to think eviscerating,

there is no mercy,
there is no humanity,
there is only pain,
there is only suffering,

pain clears us,
pain shapes us,
pain teaches us,
pain loves us,

we seek it,
we adore it,
we loathe it,
we make it,

yesterday foretold,
today brings you pain,
tomorrow will bring more,
a cycle that cannot end,

frigid

I am barely awake, drifting in and out of sleep. One foot in the waking world and the other in the dream scape, I hear the rain failing in the distance, I think it's rain. I barely register the flash then a loud crack and I'm stirred from my restless slumber, I take a moment to look around, it's dark and the room is featureless, where am I?

The night is cold and the rain is failing hard, there is a bitter taste in my mouth and a burning at the back of my head. I try to shake it off but the feeling remains. My hands are numb and my arms are heavy. Why? My body is unclothed.

I force myself up, the intensity of the burning increases tenfold and the room starts to spin. The pain forces me to my knees. I steady myself. The pain makes me feel sick, I retch but nothing comes out. The room keeps spinning but slower now, I'm dizzy. I muster all my resolve to stand to my feet. My legs are weak but slowly I stand up.

I see a door. I reach for it but not to open, to lean. I catch my breath, my knees almost give way again. I hold the handle, it's my only comfort. Slowly I turn the handle or did the handle turn itself? I don't know. I don't know. The door opens outwards and peer slowly out into darkness, I see the outline of a table and on it, something glinting, a shape I know. I am filled with dread. I push the door open and make my way slowly across the room to the table.

A knife! No not a knife, the handle is made of steel just like the blade, all one piece. A surgical instrument. A scalpel. I pick it up and it is suddenly familiar to me. The handle is cold against my skin. I run the blade gently down my chest, it leaves a line. It's still sharp. In the back of my mind someone says "Good, this will do". A stranger's voice and yet vaguely familiar. Another flash and the room is illuminated. In that instant I know I'm not alone. I saw her. Moving in the corner of the room. I think I saw her. Long hair, naked. I think I saw her. Who is she?

A giggle from where I saw her sends a shiver down my spine. I call out but with no voice. I hold the blade aside, ready to strike. My knees give way and I fall to the ground the pain is far worse. I hear it, movement. I perceive it. She's coming at me. She's moving quick. And when she's just upon me, I grab the blade and thrust upwards. I catch her square in the chest. I feel a warmth flow over my hands and hear a gasp escape her lips. I let go of the blade as she falls to the floor.

I lie there. I hear sobs coming from beside me. She's still alive. I push myself up and to look at my attackers face. I pull her close and slowly my eyes see hers. They are beautifully unfocused, dark eyes, tears in the corner. A fire barely there. I trace my hand over her face and it's all familiar. Who is she? Another flash and I see her complete. I know her. Oh my God what have I done. What have I done? Not her. Not her. What have I done. Tears are streaming down my face. My hands are shaking. Her eyes finally focus and they lock with mine. Her lips move the sound barely a whisper "I love you" and as the words escape her, the fire goes out in her eyes and all the warmth escapes her body.

The room is frigid. The voice comes to me again saying "Well done, there are more to come".

duality

I will crush you; my every fiber, my will bears down for the kill,

I will destroy you; your life is not worth the sand beneath my feet

I will finish you; death is your only solace now

I will feel no remorse; you deserve no further emotion

I hate you; these things you now must suffer

I am this raging fury, a burning inferno,

I am death’s hand, your soul’s devourer,

I am persecution, the whip that bleeds your back,

I am oppression, the weight upon your shoulder,

I am suffocation, the tightness you clutch at your chest,

I am reality, I am illusion,

I am night as surely as I am day,

I am a two sided coin of mirrored misery, I am duality

Note: I wrote this along time ago, it holds within it an anger I no longer feel but it once was real.

pathology

I see you scurrying about day to day,
From the shadows I observe,
For nought it serves,
All meaningless I say,

Insects, rodents and all manner of banal things,
You are all hopelessly caught up in the fray,
To see why you tick,
Maybe I should alleviate your pain,

I will dissect you piece by piece,
My scalpel cutting deep,
Piercing skin and flesh and bone,
Taking you apart, watching you bleed,

I shall prod and poke,
Till my inquiry is complete,
Consume you till I've had my fill,
Then discard you like filth beneath my feet,

From behind my mask I will smile,
While the people cheer,
As I pick the next one to die,
I can hear them say "Opus Dei"

Note: Opus Dei in this context is not a reference to the religious body affiliated to the catholic church. It means work of God in Latin.

depression

For the record I would like to state that I am not depressed. At least I believe that I am not.

Why bring this up?

Because I've had no end of grief from the people I'm closest to as they speculate my state of mind. It's depressing to be told that people think you're depressed. Especially when you believe you aren't. And really even if I am depressed, it's not like I'm suicidal.

I am not always a happy person. I realise that. So sue me.

Some mornings I wake up and just want to go back to bed and of late that's what I've been feeling. I get like this at the end of every semester. It's probably because I feel everything is spinning faster and faster and maybe even spiralling out of control. My apathy towards everything makes me feel worse for it. So some mornings when I wake up, I wake up and get hit by a big wave of how crappy things are. Some morning I just don't feel like being happy.

My insomnia robs me of a peaceful night's sleep. My nightmares rob me of a peaceful night's sleep.

Do you realise how miserable it is to be told you're depressed? By people you love?

I'm rambling. I'm rambling. RAMBLING!

Rambling here,
Words tripping on my lips,
Stammering the restless tongue,
I silence it with a blade,

Glossy they are reflecting sadness in my eyes,
They hiding a deeper sorrow inside,
Empty, hollow like starving children,
Reflecting but portraying not of the extent within,

The fire extinguishes for a soul gone cold
As my life plummets out of control,
The only fire left is on the end of a stick,
I light it up to find oblivion of self within my grip,

No reprieve, no repose from the wave I'm caught in,
Drowning, lungs screaming as I mutilate myself from within,
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning,
With my eyes I'm screaming, the silence of it deafening,

Maybe you're listening when you see,
But your words only serve to hurt me,
I am failed can't you see,
I am a product of my own idiocy,

So maybe I'm depressed but telling me I am is not helping.

On a lighter note, I had lunch with Shazeea which was fun more for the conversations we have till the subject of my supposed depression came up but that was Shaneil's fault. Also it was Romi's birthday today and Sader came dressed most smashingly, that brightened up my rather quiet day. Brighten being a literal and metaphorical mode here. We had coffee, the three of us, talked, made much merriment with our banana chocolate chip cupcake at the starbucks in pyramid. The cupcake was Romi's "birthday cake". And we had lollies for candles, I got a cola one. Yay me!

I was quiet at dinner with Yasir and the others but yeah I get like that. It just means I'm elsewhere. Not because being elsewhere is more important or that being here is less important. I just am elsewhere. Sometimes I don't know how to get back.

And thus ends my rather random and seemingly depressing post.

Ice cream anyone?

more monty python

while none of this is my own monty python madness thanks to sader continues to rush about my head

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

random things

sader and i talk Monty Python today,

a little dialogue regarding the holy hand grenade of Antioch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu...

"skip a bit brother"

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen

this post is pointless

as are most things i do but i still do them, though today was not as pointless as this post, i enjoyed it immensely, it was a sleepy day and i haven't had a good sleepy day in such a long time.

what is a sleepy day?

well it's a day where i get nothing by the world's standards done, nothing tangible accomplished, it's a day where i lie on my bed staring at the ceiling with another person next to me and talk about everything and nothing.

today's was especially good because it's been ages since i've had company on a sleepy day and the ability to have someone to share a completely unproductive day with was amazing.

this sleepy day was different from the ones before, i left my home in the morning met the other person, went for lunch, had coffee and then only got home to space out.

as with all my sleepy days, they're never planned, they just happen and the conversations are always awesome.

i'm glad i had today.

and sometimes i get bored

If I shot the sheriff, I wouldn't write a song about it let alone talk about the deputy.

If I thought the sky was falling, the only thing I'd be shouting is "move bitches get out the way, I gotta find me a cave"

If I was in the happening, I would have acted better than Mark Wahlberg and those bloody trees would have been shitting acorns.

If I was a director, I would have taught the guy who filmed cloverfield how to steady the camera, also I would have actually had some cloves in the movie, also I would have had an actual plot and the chick would have died from her wounds before the bomb blew them up.

If I was on a planet full of apes, I would bring some bananas with me.

If I was darwin, I would have had a pet beagle aboard the HMS Beagle

echoes, silence, patience, grace - an anarchist's view

I scribbled a version of this on Shazeea's facebook wall. I was proud of it and so at 4am I'm awake adding to it for my blog.

Between the poignant and morose echoes of the past ever fading from our memories and the eerie silence of an ominous tomorrow, we live with our eyes clothed in a translucent film of guile, convincing ourselves of a certainty in today and the seconds that have passed with no inkling of the second to come.

What then can be said of our patience? Save that it is an imposed device for we have no means to alter the time it takes for the second to passes us by. Patience is not resolve, it's how we resign ourselves to our fate. There is no beauty in this mechanism, no charm in this construct. Grace is a farce.

the nicene creed

A summary of my faith, the Nicene Creed. It took the council of Nicea 3 months to agree on the first sentence alone. Much thought was put into its writing. It is a work of art. The translation from Greek/Latin that I have chosen is from the Anglican Communion book of common prayer of 1662. It is a version that I've said in church for years as an affirmation of my faith. I lack the intellect to have ever been able to construct so amazing a creed or summary of the Christian faith. I wanted to share it with you.

I believe in one God the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth,
And of all things visible and invisible:

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God,
Begotten of his Father before all worlds,
God of God, Light of Light,
Very God of very God,
Begotten, not made,
Being of one substance with the Father,
By whom all things were made;
Who for us men, and for our salvation came down from heaven,
And was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the Virgin Mary,
And was made man,
And was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate.
He suffered and was buried,
And the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures,
And ascended into heaven,
And sitteth on the right hand of the Father.
And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead:
Whose kingdom shall have no end.

And I believe in the Holy Ghost,
The Lord and giver of life,
Who proceedeth from the Father and the Son,
Who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified,
Who spake by the Prophets.
And I believe one Catholic and Apostolic Church.
I acknowledge one Baptism for the remission of sins.
And I look for the Resurrection of the dead,
And the life of the world to come.
Amen.

who we are

We are who we are because we choose to be,
I am who I am because I choose to be, the same can be said of you,
You are more than the sum of your parts,
More than this shell of crude flesh,
You are beautiful you need only choose to be so.

I have seen you, I have seen beneath the shroud
And I know you are good,
I know you are beautiful,
Products of nature, products of nurture it matters not,
choice is always within your grasp.

sophism: "i love you"

Sophism: A plausible but fallacious argument. An example, I love you.

Over the last couple of years, I have come to believe that people have made "I love you" a specious statement. One whose argument has become a fallacy, for more often then not when a person says "I love you" they invariably mean "please love me". And in most cases there is no "please", it just reads "love me!".

Why so jaded you might ask? Why so cynical?

I've heard this particular exchange of words so often and then rescinded at the first sign of trouble, it has made me question how genuine the love was in the first place and I've come to despise those words for the most part believing that we say it selfishly to incite a similar and favourable response from the other person. After all everyone wants to believe that they are loved.

However before I go any further, I would like to say that I do believe there are people who genuinely exchange these words in order to open a conduit to an actual feeling inside, opening up to another human being hoping, without expecting to be loved in return. Loving because of what you can do for the other person, not because of what they can do for you. I've witnessed such exchanges first hand rare as they may be.

Still my cynicism tells me that particular unselfish love hardly exists in the world today. Maybe I write this because I believe I am not capable of selfless love and therefore am projecting my inability on the populace at large. I don't think so. Most who know me, know otherwise.

So what makes me the supreme authority on all things human?

I reckon I'm human and that should give me some credibility. I don't think myself the supreme authority on anything with exception of bitter sweet chocolate of which I believe myself to be a connoisseur. Yes indeed bitter sweet chocolate I love. Back to the topic at hand, it's like someone close to me said, I observe a great many things and observing people is one of my favourite pastimes.

Am I condemning people?

Yes. If each person saying the words believes the other person then there can exist a fostered love. A love nurtured on falsity and like all things based on a lie, it can and most probably will fall through. My condemnation rests on our inability to give of ourselves. We may put it down to being only human, our excuse for all our failings. However I know we are all more than capable of loving unselfishly, we're just afraid and we're afraid because deep down we're all just bit a cynical and we're all just a bit wary & weary of the other person.

mortality: God's gift to humanity

Immortality

If you could, would you live forever?

I don't think I would.

I believe it is our frailty, our mortality that makes us beautiful. The very fact that every second that passes us by is a second closer to our death makes the next second to come even more precious than the one that passed. I realize that sounds depressing and it is if you only focus on death and if you fear it. I believe because our time on earth is numbered it makes the smile on the face in front of you or the laugh of the person beside you or simply the eyes of the person across the hall from you all that more amazing to behold.

So it would seem to me that immortality on earth would only cheapen the experience. The smile, the laugh, the eyes would all be so banal. Losing all charm and what would be the point of living if everything around you lost its flavor. What then? I believe mortality is God's gift to us. We really should learn to cherish the time we've been allotted and make the most of the smiles and the laughs and people that are sent our way. I am learning to do that.

I'm continually star struck by how amazing some the people I meet are. Their little quirks and idiosyncrasies making them more than the sum their parts. These fascinating people are usually more aware of the world around them. They are not the stereotypes. In a world of the mundane, they see newness. I find them utterly fascinating. Maybe they see life like me. Maybe I'm more aware of the world around me.

I have these people in my heart. I hope I'm in theirs.

back on track

I'm glad to report, I'm back on track.

Well almost, now that the ball is over and I've regained a measure of my former self, I'm hitting the grindstone tomorrow and getting up to speed on uni work.

If i manage to get myself up to speed tomorrow, I'll be complete back on track if not, well I'll be a lot closer than I've been for a while.

Goodnight world. I love you!

euphoria

the bass was pumping,
she was grooving,
eyes closed as she moved,
her body to the beat entrancing,

the dance floor was hers,
she turned heads,
i could only smile,
she had the room spinning,

the bass was pumping,
hearts were thumping,
to the rhythm we were swaying,
ours was euphoria,

good times, good people

THE MONASH BALL

Was bloody tiring, my feet still ache as I'm typing this. It was a pot load of fun. I had a ball at the ball. Manil did a really good job organizing it. There were a couple of hitches but they weren't his fault. My security personnel were in top form. Brilliant chaps. The day started for me at about 12pm, I was at the ball helping with last minute things, got home around 2pm got into my suit and was back at the ball by 4pm. Left the ball around 11.30pm and headed for MOS.

As for the ladies, well I spent the evening with two very different, very awesome individuals. For the most part of the ball I spent my time with Shazeea. Boy can this lady dance and with a very nice set of hips at that. When the dance floor opened that's where I was, dancing the night away with Shaz. She had to leave early and couldn't join us at MOS, I escorted her to her car and that was the end of that.

The other lady that I spent my evening with was a certain Alexandra Sader, who thought it would be hilarious to give me kissy marks on my cheeks and forehead. I blushed, a little. I'm not complaining, one does not complain when a pretty girl gives you a kiss on the cheek. We spent our time at MOS talking about, well a great many things, we drank, we danced and when it was time to leave, I made sure she and her friend got into a cab and that they got home safely. My night ended at 3.30am.

All in all, I had a good time with very good people.

It was fun to see Yasir let loose and have a drink, get his groove on. It was even funnier to see Darren quite pickled as well as other friends of mine in the VIP area. It was awesome to see admin staff at MOS. The bass was pumping, Sader and I were moving to the beat, it was all very sweet.

A count on the drinks: 17shots of whiskey (I think, I lost count after a while) and a beer, some ice and coke, a lot of water, some sweat. Thanks to my huge liver, I remained sober.

A count for the love: Many hugs from pretty women, most notably Shazeea, Naime, Alexandra(hugs and kisses) hehe. Yeah it was a good night and I'm a lucky boy.

I walked away from last night a happier man than I've been in ages. I was with good friends, Kelvin, Usman, Ikmal, Ashwin, Yasir, Darren, Manil and there are just too many people to name but they were all awesome to be around. Companionship that only required their presence to enjoy.

I cut the last strings holding me back last night and I feel free again. Hello world, Tristan is back.

machination

machination

i like the word, it means "A crafty scheme or cunning design for the accomplishment of a sinister end.", rarely used but aptly describes so many people and the things they do. I'm a schemer.

Why bring this up? No particular reason, i just really like the word and i thought i would share it with the people who read my blog.

Moving on.

As always I'm trying to avoid writing about anything of consequence as I do not feel that I have anything of consequence to say. That which matters, matters very little to me at the moment.

I can say that I'm utterly thrilled that Anwar Ibrahim is running in the by-election that is being held in Permatang Pauh and that at this moment in time is leading. Winds of change? Change for the better I hope.

Moving on.

My days are long but filled with very little. A self constructed situation. I will admit that I'm missing her. I'm missing her very much but she'll not know because she doesn't frequent my blog and the words won't escape my lips without good reason. We're strangers almost. It's sad.

Moving on.

Many ideas fill my head, though not much sense can be made of them. Confusion the in process of the thought diffusion. Everything seems like an illusion. Dreamlike quality in every day. It never seems to hit me.

Moving on.

I don't know where i'm moving to next. I just don't know.

a frosted perception

a frosted perception is all that i have,
as i peer through this window pane,
a view skewed by light refracted,
as it passes these icy veins,

over the imagery presented i muse,
what do i see? what can it be?
using all my logic on a view so caustic,
so very little i deduce,

a tombstone, i think i see a grave,
is it death i crave?
blissful rest of the certain dead,
am i that depraved?

a severed heart still beating,
the pulse, a placating rhythm,
defiant and still trenchant,
even with the grave surrounding,

in the distance i hear weeping,
and over it a mordacious commentary,
the content of it a diary read out,
this person's life a warning to heed,

of all this i can make no sense,
i think the cold has got to me,
i shiver, i can muse no more,
the future perhaps i've seen,

hopeless, perhaps i'm only dreaming,
pleasing in the view was one thing,
something small, like a feeling,
it sparked in me curiosity,

a box, an interesting visage adorning it,
i like her face, i think i care for her somehow,
a name written on the side, pandora it says,
maybe i should enter and open it,

something nags at me not to,
a future or doom lie in the closed box perhaps?,
curiosity gives me a reason to continue,
should i? which will this box bring me?

and now for something different

So putting matters of the heart aside (in which no pragmatism can possibly exist.). I have decided to write about nothing of consequence, deciding my attempt at pragmatic thought isn't much of an attempt as the attempt continues at a capricious pace, apathy being the order of the day. In fact that line has become my new blog description so that it may remind me of my current state of mind. Which even as I type seems redundant to me, seeing as I live inside my head and know exactly what is going on (or not) in there.

I write for the entertainment of my readers (if any exist). These days though I find so little to write about.

I could talk about the cesspool that is politics but I do not see the point in that, for so long as the human element remains there will be corruption and if it is removed then there would be no humanity because at the very heart of our species we are corrupt. We don't have to try to be evil, it is doing good that is unnatural to us. Nevertheless we are trying and that has to count for something.

I will not talk about love for it is not the many splendid thing described in that song. No. No it is most certainly not. At this point in time though my distaste for love and its' intoxicating, now to me revolting effect is reasonably understandable, as extensively covered in several past blogposts my heart has suffered a gratuitous amount of hurt from which it is recovering at an ever so dilatory pace. The recovery is a laborious one, which in layman's terms means a right pain in the arse. Still one must press on.

Oh I despise thee cursed fel-love,
I rebuke thee return from whence thou came,
Be gone heathen creature,
My heart despairs this foul disease,
For which there is no cure,
Save the long passing of time.

Now that my medieval-esque tirade is over I shall continue with what I set out to do and that is absolutely nothing of consequence and I think I have thus far succeeded in that attempt. And now I fail. Because the human condition and all its idiosyncrasies, namely love are at the very core of my being. And so at some point in the near future, I shall blog about something of consequence. Or of the people of consequence and the conversations I have with them.

I like conversations. I like them very much, especially the random ones.

nice to know you, goodbye

It's been ages since my last update. Tsk. Tsk.

Things are happening in my life but blogging about it doesn't seem important. My thoughts have generally run a muck in my head and have given me grief to no end. Granted between all the painful thoughts there have been the sweet ones. That girl I blogged about previously she's at the root of both pain and sweetness. For awhile though it was more pain than sweet. However I decided it was time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and put together a new picture for my heart.

My task was seemingly insurmountable but with the support and encouragement of my compatriots even though I pretended I wasn't listening, it would seem some of it sunk in and letting the girl go became an unconscious priority. There seemed no point in dragging out my suffering, I was hurt beyond description, it seemed like life had screwed me over yet again and I thought I was on the downward spiral of depression. Life seemed meaningless and no I never contemplated suicide, that is in my opinion the cowards way out. No I mustered all the pragmatism and sensibility within me, prayed several heart wrenching prayers and pushed the girl out of my mind completely. Though obviously not as completely as I had hoped. I am human.

I won't say that I'm alright. I won't say that I'm back to being the person I was before I met her. Because I'm not. I've gone back to an old vice, picked up a new one and am more cynical than I've ever been. Without her I feel like a lesser person. Much like thinking you're complete until you're shown what you were missing. I won't say something boneheaded like I can't live without her, I won't say I need her. No, because I can live without her, I did it for 22years and I can keep doing it, though my life will be missing an essential colour. A flavour. It will be missing her.

Life is not fair, no one said it would be and you have no reason to expect it to be. We all have to play the hand we're dealt, lie in the bed we've made. Crying over it only seeks to drain you of your energy, making it that much harder to face the day ahead. I am here now at this point. I have learned to love her and not hurt as much as before. I've learned to be a friend, well as best as possible with what I have to work with. My heart is better, it still aches when I see her or think about her but I know it'll always do that. Much like breaking a bone, it heals with time but there will always be some pain especially on those cold rainy nights. And for me the rain hits closer to home than one may realise because she and I share a love for the rain or more accurately thunderstorms.

I suppose it appeals because both of us have such turbulent lives. We're both living storms.

As I said earlier letting her go was an unconscious priority and I surprised myself at how far I've gone. Now it's a conscious priority. I know I'll always love her. I can't deny that part of me. Once I love someone, I never stop.

My hope is that God sends me someone, someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I would love them, completely. Someone who would pick me. Someone who would be willing to sacrifice the world for me as I am willing for her. Not that I'd ever ask for it. No, this woman I love now and I never asked her to choose between me and her situation, between me and her life, between me and her friends. No I never did and I never would. No, I never asked her to choose me.

So to end it all. I'm not alright. I'm not fixed. I'm getting better and I learning to her let go. There is a smile on my face and for a change it's genuine. In a way I'm saying to my feelings about her "It was nice to know you, goodbye." I enjoyed hoping for her, I enjoyed the thoughts I had in my mind of her but now it's time to say goodbye to those thoughts and feelings. Time to put them away lest I miss out on all the other wonderful people in the world. And as for her and I whatever will be, will be may that be God's will.

The love remains, that will never end. And I have no regrets for that fact. None whatsoever. Though it saddens me that I will miss her kisses and her eyes. Indeed I will miss her kisses and those eyes. And her smell. And her hair. And her warmth. And her touch but I will miss her kisses and her loving eyes most of all.

this "I"

I love, I hate,
I laugh, I sigh,
I hurt, I smile, I frown,
Today I'm mostly down.

I live, I'll die,
I'll pass into the night,
This "I" so trite,
His soul broken & contrite.

he loves her and she knows

he loves her and she knows,
his eyes cannot hide,
what he feels inside,
and so at him she smiles,

he lives for the smile on her face,
his heart skips a beat whenever they embrace,
against her face with his finger he traces,
the beauty of God's abundant grace,

she gives him strength,
for her he draws his every breath,
he is so glad they met,
he has no regrets,

she looks at him and he knows,
so he smiles back,
from her eyes he knows,
it steals his heart to see she loves him so,

and so to make her happy,
his heart's desire,
she he will treasure
to hurt her never,

he loves her and she knows

friendship, love and such things

I think I have by far some of the best friends that a person could ask for.

While I was in school I never quite fit in with the other kids. I was different. I was odd. I was a loner. I stood out and I was never comfortable with being me. I had friends but most of those friendships didn't mean very much. I would laugh with them but I never belonged. I just couldn't attach myself to them and so when I left school, I left them in my past. Consequently when I go back to Ipoh the only people I mix with are my church mates. Even in church I've always been different. Contrary.

I went to college. I still didn't fit in. I still felt like I didn't belong. I made friends again but even here I only was able to connect with a couple of people. One of those people became my best friend. My first best friend. We still keep in touch. We can still connect even though life has taken us to different places.

I went to university. For the longest time no one knew I existed. A lecturer once commented that if my name had not popped up on an assignment I had handed in, he'd never have known I was in his class, I was invisible. In my second semester at uni I met my second best friend. Though at the time I didn't know it. I was just trying to get notes from the guy with a scholarship. He obliged. Fast forward to today and that guy is still handing me notes but now we're best friends. It wasn't till my fourth semester at uni that I actually felt like I was starting to fit in. This second best friend helped. The people I started to consider friends grew. However it wasn't till last semester, my sixth semester that I really felt like I belonged. I met a whole host of people. I made a lot of friends. Things got better. I met my band and their all my best mates, their respective girlfriends as well. I met some crazy Australians, one of which became another best friend. I also met her.

It was a crazy semester. I fell in love with a girl, a very awesome girl and I fell hard. Unfortunately life being what it is has put between us a barrier. It's not insurmountable but it's not one that we're going to be able to overcome on our own steam. Maybe God will intervene and until that happens, we've decided friendship is what we can offer each other. Personally speaking, I would rather lose the world than lose this girl, so I'm making every effort to be her best friend and she mine. Still it hurts, there is an inexplicable pain in my chest, it hurts to breath at times, especially after seeing her and tears still flow freely from my face at the thought of her. Yet I feel the pain and tears are worth being around her because I feel absolutely sublime in her presence, her absence is the cause of my pain and tears. I'm learning to deal with it and she tries to help. Which always makes me smile. She makes me smile. It's hard to be miserable around her.

Who knows what the future holds? I feel God has been blessing me day by day. Though as I write this I feel sad, I feel an inner contentment and peace that I've never had before, I feel joy. At the moment I'm just rolling with the punches. God has blessed me with friends. I'm thankful for that. God blessed me with her in my life and I'm thankful for that too. Tomorrow is a new day.

Wrapped in Your Arms - Fireflight

Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go

And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home

I'm seeing so much clearer
Looking through your eyes
I could never find a safer place
Even if I tried
All the times I've needed you
You've never left my side
I'm clinging to your every word
Don't ever let me go
Don't let go

Unbreakable - Fireflight

Fireflight Lyrics
Unbreakable Lyrics

seeking answers only to hear silence

It has been sometime since I posted anything of consequence on my blog. The incoherent poetry that my mind has been churning out has all but cluttered my PC. It's all a mess.

It's always a mess when a girl is involved. Especially this girl.

When I'm with her my world seems right everything passes me by and nothing bothers me. When she's gone it's very much like the song "ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away, ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long, anytime she goes away"

I've been fighting a losing battle or so it would seem. Fighting to be with a woman who is not fighting to be with me, in fact she's doing all she can to push me away for fear of falling to deep into me. However she and I both know that's too late. It is not arrogance that makes me say that, no, it's in her eyes. Her eyes can't lie to me. I see the confusion, I see the pain mingled with the joy of being together and yet not, I see how much being in love with me is tearing her apart. It's tearing me apart. Reminds me of this song by Tonic - If You Could Only See

The lyrics go

If you could only see the way she loves me, Then maybe you would understand, Why I feel this way about our love, And what I must do, If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, When she says she loves me

Granted the woman I love doesn't have blue eyes, for which I'm thankful. No I love her very expressive brown eyes, the general sentiment of the song remains intact and applicable to how i feel.

Try as I might, to cut her from my heart I can't. I breakdown every time. It would seem that every movie I watch these days makes me think of her. Nearly every song I listen to reminds me of my love for her or how I feel for her or our situation. Trust me dear reader this particular condition is horrible. I watched P.S. I Love You and cried that's how emotional she's got me. I watched hancock and teared. I can't listen to most songs on my playlist without thinking of her.

There is no rest, no peace. There is only a feeling of love and pain intertwined within my heart. It hurts to breath. I've lost my appetite, some days it feels like all the colour and humour in me has washed out. A text message from her, the sound of her voice, the smile on her face is all that is needed to renew me. However in her effort to push me away even these simple pleasures she denies me. And so I continue to break. Slivers of my heart strewn across the floor as my heart shatters.

I'm looking for answers from above but God's been silent or so I think he's been. I'm praying that the calmer of the storm will calm the storm in me. The storm that is threatening to consume me and throw me overboard. The waves are too high and I can't find my way. I'm lost without Him and without her.

Know that all I've ever wanted is to make her happy, to bring her peace, to keep her safe, to love her completely. In her I've found the love of 1 Corinthians 13.

I'm praying God helps me find a way.