It has been sometime since I posted anything of consequence on my blog. The incoherent poetry that my mind has been churning out has all but cluttered my PC. It's all a mess.
It's always a mess when a girl is involved. Especially this girl.
When I'm with her my world seems right everything passes me by and nothing bothers me. When she's gone it's very much like the song "ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away, ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long, anytime she goes away"
I've been fighting a losing battle or so it would seem. Fighting to be with a woman who is not fighting to be with me, in fact she's doing all she can to push me away for fear of falling to deep into me. However she and I both know that's too late. It is not arrogance that makes me say that, no, it's in her eyes. Her eyes can't lie to me. I see the confusion, I see the pain mingled with the joy of being together and yet not, I see how much being in love with me is tearing her apart. It's tearing me apart. Reminds me of this song by Tonic - If You Could Only See
The lyrics go
If you could only see the way she loves me, Then maybe you would understand, Why I feel this way about our love, And what I must do, If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, When she says she loves me
Granted the woman I love doesn't have blue eyes, for which I'm thankful. No I love her very expressive brown eyes, the general sentiment of the song remains intact and applicable to how i feel.
Try as I might, to cut her from my heart I can't. I breakdown every time. It would seem that every movie I watch these days makes me think of her. Nearly every song I listen to reminds me of my love for her or how I feel for her or our situation. Trust me dear reader this particular condition is horrible. I watched P.S. I Love You and cried that's how emotional she's got me. I watched hancock and teared. I can't listen to most songs on my playlist without thinking of her.
There is no rest, no peace. There is only a feeling of love and pain intertwined within my heart. It hurts to breath. I've lost my appetite, some days it feels like all the colour and humour in me has washed out. A text message from her, the sound of her voice, the smile on her face is all that is needed to renew me. However in her effort to push me away even these simple pleasures she denies me. And so I continue to break. Slivers of my heart strewn across the floor as my heart shatters.
I'm looking for answers from above but God's been silent or so I think he's been. I'm praying that the calmer of the storm will calm the storm in me. The storm that is threatening to consume me and throw me overboard. The waves are too high and I can't find my way. I'm lost without Him and without her.
Know that all I've ever wanted is to make her happy, to bring her peace, to keep her safe, to love her completely. In her I've found the love of 1 Corinthians 13.
I'm praying God helps me find a way.
2 comments:
dude.......
u know i've been told that the good lord will give you answers without saying anything. U probably haven't realised it yet but He may have already answered you. I suppose looking hard for His answer isn't the best option at this point?
On a brighter side, would you like me to give u a wake hit of sorts when i get back lol? IF i get back
Just hang in there buddy.
If that's what falling in love is like, I'd rather not. Good Luck.
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