Self destruct initiated.(This statement sums up the sad but true story of my life)
We're at red alert and have no plan of action, life is once again spiralling down the tubes and as per normal my willingness to absolve myself from blame and have my dear friend apathy shoulder it overwrites my sensibilities. Such is my modus operandi.
I often find myself wondering where I lost my sense of responsibility for my life and the direction it is going in. When did I take my hands of the wheel and say to my life, drive yourself? This is one of those times, the wonder of it all is compounded even further by my willingness to sit here and blog about it. Here I sit expounding my brilliant yet pointless theories on why my life is about 3 paces away from the gutter and about a light year away from any form of normality. The only constants in the differential equation that sums up my life are these, I am shit and I basically have death and taxes to look forward to, provided I have money to pay taxes and if I don't well I'll still have death. Oh the sweet bright side.
How did I come to be acquiescent?
In my mind I've deferred living life by shifting myself into neutral and have allowed myself to roll down hill, a hill that is slowly getting steeper. It seems to me and contrary to Robert Frost's argumentatively ironic poem of two roads that diverged in a yellow wood with the possibility of neither having any truly consequential difference, I've managed to find and take a third, the road with the steep decline. Aided by my lack of effort I can't retrace, I look back to see the incline as insurmountable, the shear scope of the task at hand threatens to deplete my already underpowered strength of will. What now?
Where is my deus ex machina? My exit to salvation? Where are the breaks on this confounded vehicle?
The evidence of my fall into the ever darkening abyss is incontrovertible. To cope the mind constructs possible ends, mine hopes that oblivion is at the heart of the abyss and the annihilation of care will bring freedom. Though honestly speaking, I highly doubt that idealistic outcome. The acknowledgement of idealism inherent in the wish for oblivion then renders the statement sophistic. Which then alludes to the sophism and irony that is intrinsic in the nature of hope or the act of hoping. The desire that an outcome will be different and better than what you know to be statistically correct is a fallacy.
My mind also proposes that nihilism is at the heart of the abyss, the belief that nothing exists. One could theorise that from the perspective of the abused mind at the end of the fall nothing will, as everything will cease to matter not even self. However the question is if relevance is removed from an object or person and no longer have a purpose do they then cease to exist? Do things need a purpose in order to exist? My minds sees that even if a person was hollowed out and they're ethereal self or soul was obliterated their shell would remain. In some form they would exist. Unless the shell has no meaning in comparison to the destroyed soul. Then it would seem to me the only way to cease to exist would be death. Now go tell a pebble to die, I dare you. The argument is cyclic and without end.
And as I sit here thinking and theorising, it dawns on me that I am still falling and for all my brilliance, I'm no closer to a resolution then when I started. In fact my seemingly impossible situation and my reflection on it has only served to unnerve me further and so now we come full circle, which begs me to ask myself, what keeps me on this path? Myself, a fairly obvious answer. And why? I wish I knew.
Frankly, my mind is not a pleasant place to be right now, I don't remember the last time it was. Well actually I do but those times are brief and sadly I'm usually too distracted by my lack to enjoy them for long. So today, I'm going to step out of my head for a little while and maybe when I get back things will have settled down. Maybe.
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