nice to know you, goodbye

It's been ages since my last update. Tsk. Tsk.

Things are happening in my life but blogging about it doesn't seem important. My thoughts have generally run a muck in my head and have given me grief to no end. Granted between all the painful thoughts there have been the sweet ones. That girl I blogged about previously she's at the root of both pain and sweetness. For awhile though it was more pain than sweet. However I decided it was time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and put together a new picture for my heart.

My task was seemingly insurmountable but with the support and encouragement of my compatriots even though I pretended I wasn't listening, it would seem some of it sunk in and letting the girl go became an unconscious priority. There seemed no point in dragging out my suffering, I was hurt beyond description, it seemed like life had screwed me over yet again and I thought I was on the downward spiral of depression. Life seemed meaningless and no I never contemplated suicide, that is in my opinion the cowards way out. No I mustered all the pragmatism and sensibility within me, prayed several heart wrenching prayers and pushed the girl out of my mind completely. Though obviously not as completely as I had hoped. I am human.

I won't say that I'm alright. I won't say that I'm back to being the person I was before I met her. Because I'm not. I've gone back to an old vice, picked up a new one and am more cynical than I've ever been. Without her I feel like a lesser person. Much like thinking you're complete until you're shown what you were missing. I won't say something boneheaded like I can't live without her, I won't say I need her. No, because I can live without her, I did it for 22years and I can keep doing it, though my life will be missing an essential colour. A flavour. It will be missing her.

Life is not fair, no one said it would be and you have no reason to expect it to be. We all have to play the hand we're dealt, lie in the bed we've made. Crying over it only seeks to drain you of your energy, making it that much harder to face the day ahead. I am here now at this point. I have learned to love her and not hurt as much as before. I've learned to be a friend, well as best as possible with what I have to work with. My heart is better, it still aches when I see her or think about her but I know it'll always do that. Much like breaking a bone, it heals with time but there will always be some pain especially on those cold rainy nights. And for me the rain hits closer to home than one may realise because she and I share a love for the rain or more accurately thunderstorms.

I suppose it appeals because both of us have such turbulent lives. We're both living storms.

As I said earlier letting her go was an unconscious priority and I surprised myself at how far I've gone. Now it's a conscious priority. I know I'll always love her. I can't deny that part of me. Once I love someone, I never stop.

My hope is that God sends me someone, someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I would love them, completely. Someone who would pick me. Someone who would be willing to sacrifice the world for me as I am willing for her. Not that I'd ever ask for it. No, this woman I love now and I never asked her to choose between me and her situation, between me and her life, between me and her friends. No I never did and I never would. No, I never asked her to choose me.

So to end it all. I'm not alright. I'm not fixed. I'm getting better and I learning to her let go. There is a smile on my face and for a change it's genuine. In a way I'm saying to my feelings about her "It was nice to know you, goodbye." I enjoyed hoping for her, I enjoyed the thoughts I had in my mind of her but now it's time to say goodbye to those thoughts and feelings. Time to put them away lest I miss out on all the other wonderful people in the world. And as for her and I whatever will be, will be may that be God's will.

The love remains, that will never end. And I have no regrets for that fact. None whatsoever. Though it saddens me that I will miss her kisses and her eyes. Indeed I will miss her kisses and those eyes. And her smell. And her hair. And her warmth. And her touch but I will miss her kisses and her loving eyes most of all.