if i had words

you and i are an enigma,
trapped within time,
you and i are fragments,
of the same mind,

if i had words to speak,
what would i say to you?,
if i had words to sing,
what melody would i use?,

if all the world were mine,
what could i give you?,
if all things were known to me,
what would i know about you?,

i have only these simple words,
and this simple rhyme,
i have only these hands,
to take yours in mine,

hide your face against my chest,
your hair from your face i slowly brush,
and feel the warmth of your breath,
while our heartbeats flutter as emotions rush,

i will speak to you these little words,
i will say to you this simple rhyme,
i am yours,
and you are mine,

merry christmas

I would like to wish everyone who frequents this space a Merry Christmas and a totally far out new year. Be good! Be nice! And may the spirit of this season fill your hearts with cheer, joy and thankfulness. Let there be peace on earth and goodwill between our fellow men.

In the words of tiny Tim, "God bless us, everyone."

Love
Tristan D.

With cheer the angels did sing,
Of our glorious emergent king,
Born in a simple manger,
To be worshiped by all therein,
And all on this earthly plain,

From our sins he would save us,
Eternal life to give us,
But for now the infant king,
Born as man, incarnate God,
Lays in that cradle sweetly sleeping,

With prayer and praise,
In us a song of hope we raise,
For us man and our salvation,
For peace and goodwill amongst us dwelling,
For this our heavenly king

sophism: "i love you"

Sophism: A plausible but fallacious argument. An example, I love you.

Over the last couple of years, I have come to believe that people have made "I love you" a specious statement. One whose argument has become a fallacy, for more often then not when a person says "I love you" they invariably mean "please love me". And in most cases there is no "please", it just reads "love me!".

Why so jaded you might ask? Why so cynical?

I've heard this particular exchange of words so often and then rescinded at the first sign of trouble, it has made me question how genuine the love was in the first place and I've come to despise those words for the most part believing that we say it selfishly to incite a similar and favourable response from the other person. After all everyone wants to believe that they are loved.

However before I go any further, I would like to say that I do believe there are people who genuinely exchange these words in order to open a conduit to an actual feeling inside, opening up to another human being hoping, without expecting to be loved in return. Loving because of what you can do for the other person, not because of what they can do for you. I've witnessed such exchanges first hand rare as they may be.

Still my cynicism tells me that particular unselfish love hardly exists in the world today. Maybe I write this because I believe I am not capable of selfless love and therefore am projecting my inability on the populace at large. I don't think so. Most who know me, know otherwise.

So what makes me the supreme authority on all things human?

I reckon I'm human and that should give me some credibility. I don't think myself the supreme authority on anything with exception of bitter sweet chocolate of which I believe myself to be a connoisseur. Yes indeed bitter sweet chocolate I love. Back to the topic at hand, it's like someone close to me said, I observe a great many things and observing people is one of my favourite pastimes.

Am I condemning people?

Yes. If each person saying the words believes the other person then there can exist a fostered love. A love nurtured on falsity and like all things based on a lie, it can and most probably will fall through. My condemnation rests on our inability to give of ourselves. We may put it down to being only human, our excuse for all our failings. However I know we are all more than capable of loving unselfishly, we're just afraid and we're afraid because deep down we're all just bit a cynical and we're all just a bit wary & weary of the other person.

good times, good people

THE MONASH BALL

Was bloody tiring, my feet still ache as I'm typing this. It was a pot load of fun. I had a ball at the ball. Manil did a really good job organizing it. There were a couple of hitches but they weren't his fault. My security personnel were in top form. Brilliant chaps. The day started for me at about 12pm, I was at the ball helping with last minute things, got home around 2pm got into my suit and was back at the ball by 4pm. Left the ball around 11.30pm and headed for MOS.

As for the ladies, well I spent the evening with two very different, very awesome individuals. For the most part of the ball I spent my time with Shazeea. Boy can this lady dance and with a very nice set of hips at that. When the dance floor opened that's where I was, dancing the night away with Shaz. She had to leave early and couldn't join us at MOS, I escorted her to her car and that was the end of that.

The other lady that I spent my evening with was a certain Alexandra Sader, who thought it would be hilarious to give me kissy marks on my cheeks and forehead. I blushed, a little. I'm not complaining, one does not complain when a pretty girl gives you a kiss on the cheek. We spent our time at MOS talking about, well a great many things, we drank, we danced and when it was time to leave, I made sure she and her friend got into a cab and that they got home safely. My night ended at 3.30am.

All in all, I had a good time with very good people.

It was fun to see Yasir let loose and have a drink, get his groove on. It was even funnier to see Darren quite pickled as well as other friends of mine in the VIP area. It was awesome to see admin staff at MOS. The bass was pumping, Sader and I were moving to the beat, it was all very sweet.

A count on the drinks: 17shots of whiskey (I think, I lost count after a while) and a beer, some ice and coke, a lot of water, some sweat. Thanks to my huge liver, I remained sober.

A count for the love: Many hugs from pretty women, most notably Shazeea, Naime, Alexandra(hugs and kisses) hehe. Yeah it was a good night and I'm a lucky boy.

I walked away from last night a happier man than I've been in ages. I was with good friends, Kelvin, Usman, Ikmal, Ashwin, Yasir, Darren, Manil and there are just too many people to name but they were all awesome to be around. Companionship that only required their presence to enjoy.

I cut the last strings holding me back last night and I feel free again. Hello world, Tristan is back.

nice to know you, goodbye

It's been ages since my last update. Tsk. Tsk.

Things are happening in my life but blogging about it doesn't seem important. My thoughts have generally run a muck in my head and have given me grief to no end. Granted between all the painful thoughts there have been the sweet ones. That girl I blogged about previously she's at the root of both pain and sweetness. For awhile though it was more pain than sweet. However I decided it was time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and put together a new picture for my heart.

My task was seemingly insurmountable but with the support and encouragement of my compatriots even though I pretended I wasn't listening, it would seem some of it sunk in and letting the girl go became an unconscious priority. There seemed no point in dragging out my suffering, I was hurt beyond description, it seemed like life had screwed me over yet again and I thought I was on the downward spiral of depression. Life seemed meaningless and no I never contemplated suicide, that is in my opinion the cowards way out. No I mustered all the pragmatism and sensibility within me, prayed several heart wrenching prayers and pushed the girl out of my mind completely. Though obviously not as completely as I had hoped. I am human.

I won't say that I'm alright. I won't say that I'm back to being the person I was before I met her. Because I'm not. I've gone back to an old vice, picked up a new one and am more cynical than I've ever been. Without her I feel like a lesser person. Much like thinking you're complete until you're shown what you were missing. I won't say something boneheaded like I can't live without her, I won't say I need her. No, because I can live without her, I did it for 22years and I can keep doing it, though my life will be missing an essential colour. A flavour. It will be missing her.

Life is not fair, no one said it would be and you have no reason to expect it to be. We all have to play the hand we're dealt, lie in the bed we've made. Crying over it only seeks to drain you of your energy, making it that much harder to face the day ahead. I am here now at this point. I have learned to love her and not hurt as much as before. I've learned to be a friend, well as best as possible with what I have to work with. My heart is better, it still aches when I see her or think about her but I know it'll always do that. Much like breaking a bone, it heals with time but there will always be some pain especially on those cold rainy nights. And for me the rain hits closer to home than one may realise because she and I share a love for the rain or more accurately thunderstorms.

I suppose it appeals because both of us have such turbulent lives. We're both living storms.

As I said earlier letting her go was an unconscious priority and I surprised myself at how far I've gone. Now it's a conscious priority. I know I'll always love her. I can't deny that part of me. Once I love someone, I never stop.

My hope is that God sends me someone, someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I would love them, completely. Someone who would pick me. Someone who would be willing to sacrifice the world for me as I am willing for her. Not that I'd ever ask for it. No, this woman I love now and I never asked her to choose between me and her situation, between me and her life, between me and her friends. No I never did and I never would. No, I never asked her to choose me.

So to end it all. I'm not alright. I'm not fixed. I'm getting better and I learning to her let go. There is a smile on my face and for a change it's genuine. In a way I'm saying to my feelings about her "It was nice to know you, goodbye." I enjoyed hoping for her, I enjoyed the thoughts I had in my mind of her but now it's time to say goodbye to those thoughts and feelings. Time to put them away lest I miss out on all the other wonderful people in the world. And as for her and I whatever will be, will be may that be God's will.

The love remains, that will never end. And I have no regrets for that fact. None whatsoever. Though it saddens me that I will miss her kisses and her eyes. Indeed I will miss her kisses and those eyes. And her smell. And her hair. And her warmth. And her touch but I will miss her kisses and her loving eyes most of all.

he loves her and she knows

he loves her and she knows,
his eyes cannot hide,
what he feels inside,
and so at him she smiles,

he lives for the smile on her face,
his heart skips a beat whenever they embrace,
against her face with his finger he traces,
the beauty of God's abundant grace,

she gives him strength,
for her he draws his every breath,
he is so glad they met,
he has no regrets,

she looks at him and he knows,
so he smiles back,
from her eyes he knows,
it steals his heart to see she loves him so,

and so to make her happy,
his heart's desire,
she he will treasure
to hurt her never,

he loves her and she knows

friendship, love and such things

I think I have by far some of the best friends that a person could ask for.

While I was in school I never quite fit in with the other kids. I was different. I was odd. I was a loner. I stood out and I was never comfortable with being me. I had friends but most of those friendships didn't mean very much. I would laugh with them but I never belonged. I just couldn't attach myself to them and so when I left school, I left them in my past. Consequently when I go back to Ipoh the only people I mix with are my church mates. Even in church I've always been different. Contrary.

I went to college. I still didn't fit in. I still felt like I didn't belong. I made friends again but even here I only was able to connect with a couple of people. One of those people became my best friend. My first best friend. We still keep in touch. We can still connect even though life has taken us to different places.

I went to university. For the longest time no one knew I existed. A lecturer once commented that if my name had not popped up on an assignment I had handed in, he'd never have known I was in his class, I was invisible. In my second semester at uni I met my second best friend. Though at the time I didn't know it. I was just trying to get notes from the guy with a scholarship. He obliged. Fast forward to today and that guy is still handing me notes but now we're best friends. It wasn't till my fourth semester at uni that I actually felt like I was starting to fit in. This second best friend helped. The people I started to consider friends grew. However it wasn't till last semester, my sixth semester that I really felt like I belonged. I met a whole host of people. I made a lot of friends. Things got better. I met my band and their all my best mates, their respective girlfriends as well. I met some crazy Australians, one of which became another best friend. I also met her.

It was a crazy semester. I fell in love with a girl, a very awesome girl and I fell hard. Unfortunately life being what it is has put between us a barrier. It's not insurmountable but it's not one that we're going to be able to overcome on our own steam. Maybe God will intervene and until that happens, we've decided friendship is what we can offer each other. Personally speaking, I would rather lose the world than lose this girl, so I'm making every effort to be her best friend and she mine. Still it hurts, there is an inexplicable pain in my chest, it hurts to breath at times, especially after seeing her and tears still flow freely from my face at the thought of her. Yet I feel the pain and tears are worth being around her because I feel absolutely sublime in her presence, her absence is the cause of my pain and tears. I'm learning to deal with it and she tries to help. Which always makes me smile. She makes me smile. It's hard to be miserable around her.

Who knows what the future holds? I feel God has been blessing me day by day. Though as I write this I feel sad, I feel an inner contentment and peace that I've never had before, I feel joy. At the moment I'm just rolling with the punches. God has blessed me with friends. I'm thankful for that. God blessed me with her in my life and I'm thankful for that too. Tomorrow is a new day.

seeking answers only to hear silence

It has been sometime since I posted anything of consequence on my blog. The incoherent poetry that my mind has been churning out has all but cluttered my PC. It's all a mess.

It's always a mess when a girl is involved. Especially this girl.

When I'm with her my world seems right everything passes me by and nothing bothers me. When she's gone it's very much like the song "ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away, ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long, anytime she goes away"

I've been fighting a losing battle or so it would seem. Fighting to be with a woman who is not fighting to be with me, in fact she's doing all she can to push me away for fear of falling to deep into me. However she and I both know that's too late. It is not arrogance that makes me say that, no, it's in her eyes. Her eyes can't lie to me. I see the confusion, I see the pain mingled with the joy of being together and yet not, I see how much being in love with me is tearing her apart. It's tearing me apart. Reminds me of this song by Tonic - If You Could Only See

The lyrics go

If you could only see the way she loves me, Then maybe you would understand, Why I feel this way about our love, And what I must do, If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, When she says she loves me

Granted the woman I love doesn't have blue eyes, for which I'm thankful. No I love her very expressive brown eyes, the general sentiment of the song remains intact and applicable to how i feel.

Try as I might, to cut her from my heart I can't. I breakdown every time. It would seem that every movie I watch these days makes me think of her. Nearly every song I listen to reminds me of my love for her or how I feel for her or our situation. Trust me dear reader this particular condition is horrible. I watched P.S. I Love You and cried that's how emotional she's got me. I watched hancock and teared. I can't listen to most songs on my playlist without thinking of her.

There is no rest, no peace. There is only a feeling of love and pain intertwined within my heart. It hurts to breath. I've lost my appetite, some days it feels like all the colour and humour in me has washed out. A text message from her, the sound of her voice, the smile on her face is all that is needed to renew me. However in her effort to push me away even these simple pleasures she denies me. And so I continue to break. Slivers of my heart strewn across the floor as my heart shatters.

I'm looking for answers from above but God's been silent or so I think he's been. I'm praying that the calmer of the storm will calm the storm in me. The storm that is threatening to consume me and throw me overboard. The waves are too high and I can't find my way. I'm lost without Him and without her.

Know that all I've ever wanted is to make her happy, to bring her peace, to keep her safe, to love her completely. In her I've found the love of 1 Corinthians 13.

I'm praying God helps me find a way.

pinocchio

He the feeble Pinocchio,
His Geppetto most awesome,
He never should,
He never could,
To run from his Geppetto,
He this mangled piece of wood,
To beat his wooden heart,
A miracle to set free his ropes,
A real boy to become,
One day he foolishly hopes,
Though all he will find is woe,
For without his Geppetto,
This Pinocchio is nothing but a hollow soul.

morpheus

to sleep you go winks,
like the man named rip
deny not the sandman,
i, your morpheus am,

to shape, to make,
you, i will not break,
in me solace take,
i, your morpheus wake,

i your dreams write,
in me take sweet delight,
i one from the twilight,
i, your morpheus sublime,

such is release,
captured in this art,
you with me in the stars,
i, your morpheus assure,

caught in the expanse,
eternity ends in no time,
and moment is a pleasure,
i, your morpheus treasure

the rising sun,
and to slumber i must,
return to you soon trust,
to be your morpheus again winks.

moment

we are caught in the moment,
the eternity of it fleeting,
we are lost in our moment,
the eternity of it mesmerizing,

we are hidden in the moment,
the world passing us by,
we are sheltered in our moment,
the world to us cannot lie,

we are free in the moment,
only you and i
we are found in our moment,
it only needs you and i,

a good day

I had a good day.

Started early. I made time to get some awesome coffee from down the road. Jeremiah picked me up, and explained my life to me. At least I think he did, something about me slaying the dragon and now having some magic armor :) I played squash pong with Andrea. That was fun :)

I had breakfast. A snicker bar :) and a chicken with BBQ sauce sandwich.

Lunch was fruits, apple and guava :) then...

Namie and Zareth grabbed a hold of me and we were off to Taj Curry house, then to Subang Parade, Zareth locked the keys in the car. Clever. We had to get someone to jimmy the door in order to get in. No one even thought it suspicious that a guy with a long metal ruler was trying to get into a car.

I get ahead of myself. before getting the door opened we headed to Big Apple where we had donuts :) I had one of those Duren Duren donuts. Basically a durian creme donut. Awesome. Very awesome.

Headed back to university, Zareth let me drive. It was pretty cool. I love you guys.

Got to the cafeteria only to be greeted by more donuts. Thank you Hasini :) I loved that boston creme, my favourite from dunkin after the bavarian creme. Sorry I was late. Love you!

Hung around Bats, now with that woman you don't need to talk at all you just bask in the life energy that pours out from her, it's about the most addictive thing to be around. Thanks Bats :) love you lots :)

My head started to space at this point. So I decided to see what I could see. Rather than let my spaciness affect Bats. I headed to the MUSA lounge. I watched a couple of guys have their asses handed to them by a guy named Tim. It was awesome. I provided a running commentary on their suckage. It had the ladies present laughing :)

Jeremiah collected me, mytemoc (Fahreen) was having a cold, hope she gets better soon. Jerry and I headed to the medan where we did full on COD4 slaughtering. It was mayhem. We were k3rc, neo, spartan aussie, juice, wty is mai chan, rai the big bad, and laney. After approximately 3 and a half hours of killing each other and I being declared the over all winner :) we decided on dinner.

An awesome time we had. Dinner at Mohamad's and then home.

I can still feel that food in my tummy. It feels good.

I had a good day. A day filled with more positiveness then I've had in a long time. A day of smiles, awesome conversations, beautiful, beautiful people. I love them all.

All of you beautiful people who made my day. I'm sorry if I didn't mention everyone's name, but all of you must know I love you. Thank you so much. This post is for you.

Feeling on top of the world.

my thoughts on love

Not long ago I wrote about my understanding of the difference between liking a person and loving a person, here.

Someone once said

"Love is giving someone every power in the world to destroy you and trusting them not to"

I subscribe to that school of thought. I open myself to hurt every time I love someone. I give the other person power over me and I think love is a scary thing, but I think we open ourselves to it because we are never more alive than when we are loving another person or being loved in return.

It's like Victor Hugo said

"What a grand thing, to be loved! What a grander thing still, to love!"

And damnit that french guy was right! I find no greater thing to do in the world than being able to love other people. Though when I love I don't expect to be loved in return, I hope for it but I never expect it. I obviously want to be loved, I don't reject love. I just never expect the people in my life to love me. I'm thankful that they do. Very thankful. My love isn't about what the other person can do for me, but what I can do for the other person. My love is an act of service.

And you know I like this Victor fellow and his thoughts, I agree with him,

"Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved."

There is no greater feeling than the knowledge that you are loved.

Know that you are loved by me.

star struck, her perfect imperfection

I am! I am!

It's always stacked against me. The girl always embodies the things that attract me the most.

Always. Always. Always.

I never seem to embody the things that attract her. I can't be what I'm not. This is me. Flawed me. She's not perfect but that is what makes her in a way perfect.

It frustrates me so much.

And as a friend and I were discussing the other day it isn't her fault. She can't help being who she is just as much as I can't help being who I am.

She can't help it that her beauty is the sort of beauty that attracts me, that her mind and personality are brilliant in the way that excites me, that the places she's been and the experiences she has gathered make her so unique and it is that uniqueness that captures me. It isn't her fault. It's not her fault that her smile locks me up, that the sound of her voice soothes me, that the way she tilts her head back when she laughs or the way she pouts drives me crazy.

It's not her fault. It's not her fault that I'm attracted to her. I can't help how I feel, it's not my fault either. It's God's fault. Fine it isn't. No one can be blamed I think. I want to blame someone. I can't. It frustrates me.

I'm frustrated because I can't change anything. I am frustrated because all I can do is spectate from the sidelines as this awesome girl floats through my life.

I don't want to be star struck. I don't want to be captivated. Because I'm scared that if I get to know her any better seeing her go will be unbearable. But I want to get to know her more and more. It's like being torn in two different directions. Like standing still, rooted and running at full speed all at once. Spinning free and yet caught.

It frustrates me. It all frustrates me.

I find myself on the edge of a precipice. I fear I will fall into her. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm frustrated.

I'm drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I'm star struck by her awesomeness.

Her perfect imperfection.

the ethereal one

You've got me caught,
Caught, in this heavenly being, in You,
You've got me distraught,
Distraught, maddening it consumes me,

me, i want You,
You take my every breath,
Breath of life You are,
Are You mine or am i Yours?

Yours i am, i am beholden, i am,
Am i alone?
Alone, for without You there is only nothingness,
Nothingness, no light at the end of the tunnel,

Tunneled, my vision is,
Is this perfection?
Perfection, You aren't perfect my love,
Love You still, i do ethereal one

the unspoken

to my knees fallen,
gazing on your face,
this body broken,
seeking your warmth to embrace,

cored, body broken,
incorporeal, thoughts a torrent,
heart laid open,
a response warrants,

heart laid open,
still beating, love crying,
withdrawn, my soul taken,
caught in your eternal being,

soul taken,
am i forsaken?
to my knees fallen,
for you my unspoken,

my difference between like and love

Like and love, I think the main difference is choice. You don't need to like a person to love them.

When I like a person, I make a choice to like them. The choice may be based on who they are, I might like that personality, those fiery eyes, the way they tilt their head back when they're smiling or laughing, the sound of their voice. These are things you grow and choose to like. Or dislike.

Love on the other hand has two sides to it, or so I believe, an unconditional nature which is the love you're supposed to have for all mankind and animals alike. It's a love that is extended to other things, a concern for the well being of the people around you, a want in yourself not to see the people around you hurt, this is the love God said to have for your neighbor. However we hear the words "I love you", though rarely meant, bandied about like pamphlets at the mall. It's quite sad really.

The other side of love is not so much conditional as it is a conditioned response to an increase in your like of another person's qualities. Those eyes, smiles, personality, laughs and such. This love is a further building of the like that you have, it also or more appropriately should incorporate the unconditional love outlined above. It integrates a deeper connection between two human beings. It usually culminates in a physical expression of that love. Thus relationships are born which lead to marriage, so on and so forth, all dependent on those within the bounds of the relationship.

At the end of it you should have a love a lot like that of 1 Corinthians 13. Though difficult to achieve (I personally think it is near impossible however this is because I realize how selfish I can be and how difficult it would be for me to love like that, it wouldn't stop me from trying) it is the perfect definition for love.

Peace.

the day i fell in love with prague

I think I was about 8 years old when I fell in love with Prague. It was a random event in my life, I saw a picture of this building and a street in Prague, and I told myself I would see that one day in person. To this day that picture still comes to me vividly.

As I grew up and learned more of Prague and what was formerly known as Czechoslovakia, I grew even more and more enchanted with the country and the people and the language. It is a world straight out of a fairy tale. The buildings, the countryside, the beauty of it all is so amazing, so engaging, inspiring. My heart yearns to see that beauty in person. If there was any place in the world I could be right now Prague would be that place. I would hide there forever it is my holy grail.

I met a guy from Panama, no he is not Czech or Slovakian. He's pretty awesome though. I mention him because of what I'm told he did, he apparently fell in love with Malaysia, learned the language, became a Muslim all before getting here. AWESOME! I wish I could do that, leave this country, learn the language, and live there in Prague. I want to do it so badly. Maybe when I've finished this degree. Maybe. Even if I never live there I want to see it before the world ends, or I die whenever that maybe.

There are other places in this world that I would like to see before I die or the world ends whichever happens first.

I would like to see the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican City, I would like to live in Italy for sometime, I would like to live in Greece for sometime, specifically near the sea. I would like to visit France, the Louvre, Paris, how amazing would it be to see all those works of art? I would like to see the hills of Scotland, and the beauty of Ireland's countryside. I want to go to Alaska simply to say I have. These are the things I would like to do. Maybe. Maybe.

And of course there is all the food to try.

With that I leave you this little piece of advice that Eleanor Roosevelt wrote

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."

So perhaps I will. And you should do the same.