I was on facebook today bored as I so often am, scrolling through the news feed when I came across an event, of course I use event very loosely in this context as the event is to simply wear the colour red to show your support for Haiti.
"God are you watching, I'm wearing red. I'm against earthquakes so please don't let the earth's tectonic plates shift any more. It's like totally cramping the style of like people everywhere you know. It's such a drag."
As you would undoubtedly know lest you were hiding under a rock through the first 2 weeks of the new year, that an earthquake has devastated the island country. Claiming the lives of so many and disrupting (a mild term) even more. This tragedy is not unlike the tsunami that hit Sri Lanka only a few years ago.
Now you might wonder what's this all about. I will explain myself.
It is quite simply this, how does wearing a colour do anything for the people of Haiti? The post also tells you to give generously which is noble and good. However my beef is with the idiocy of the notion that wearing a t-shirt of a particular colour will the help Haitian people. I get it when people support the fight against injustice or for freedom and so on and so forth. But how does one wear a t-shirt to show you're support against natural disasters?
I'm sure news reports of people wearing red will filter down to Haiti.
I can see it now...
Haitian #1 Frank
"Hey Bob, listen to this. It say here in this newspaper, that people around the world are wearing red t-shirts to show their support for us."
Haitian #2 Bob
"What?"
Frank
"I suppose we should take comfort in the fact that people are going about their daily lives wearing red in support of us and our suffering."
Bob
"I wish they had sent those t-shirts here. I wouldn't have been fussy either, they could have sent me green ones or blue ones."
Frank
"But red is so your colour."
Bob
"I'm just saying that those t-shirts sure ain't doing us any good."
Frank
"Indeed they aren't."
Bob
"It's indicative of the times we're living in Frank. As we all become more and more entrenched in the comings and goings of our daily lives we the masses find it harder and harder to spare our time to truly help our fellow man and as such we have found simple ways to make ourselves feel like we're doing something without it actually costing us anything. And so the mandate for the masses is simply to wear an article of clothing and go about one's day."
Frank
"How true."
Agree with me or not, it doesn't bother me. My point has been made. If you're going to do something to help other people. Do it, you don't have to wear a sign saying "hey look at me i feel (insert emotion) for the suffering of the people in (insert place) I'm such an awesome person for feeling the way I do, I'll wear this (insert article of clothing) to tell everyone that I feel this way and so that people can be aware."
What use is raising awareness if all anyone is going to be aware of is that not everyone looks good in red?
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, September 10, 2009
tapping the bong one too many times leads to strange fatherly advice
Bagus walked up to me and he said “Dude... Dude I want you to write a short story for MUISS’s upcoming publication” and I said “Sure, what do you want me to talk about?” Thinking that he wanted me to discuss some serious issue in university, like why they don’t sell bananas (the fruit) in the cafeteria besides those awesome new crepe/paratha thingamajigs. Alas that was not what he had in mind, first he went through a list of things that had been covered by the MONGA and then he said “I want you to write something trippy, something weird.”
I mulled over this as he walked away and an idea popped in my head. What if your dad smoked up and decided to give you that birds and the bees talk gangster like? I think it would go something like this,
Yo, what up son? It’s time fo’ me to lay down some knowledge on you boy. Here is the 411. Check it.
*Your dad cranks up the stereo and something that sounds like a little jon song starts playing and then he starts rapping.*
Yo son, ya gettin to that age, when things in your body start to feel strange,
Son, ya voice is gettin deeper and ya dong is gettin longer,
Hair is startin to grow all over, even in places you didn’t think it should ever,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
When ya see a woman, ya start to feel a stirrin,
Something deep inside you starts a movin and that dude in your pants starts a wiggling,
And ya start to feel a deep yearnin for something ya never thought about or even imagined,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
What you gotta do is keep it under wraps and keep those feelings in your pants,
And I don’t mean feel around your pants except maybe when you dance,
And by dance I don’t mean with your feet but with something that looks like a stick,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
What ya’re feeling is all natural, in fact that’s kinda how ya came about,
Cause ya see when a man loves a woman things kinda get nasty and children happen,
And if ya don’t want children, then son when ya decker protect your pecker,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
Word up!
As mortified as you may feel at the time, you’ll look back at it and realise that you would still be as scarred regardless of whether or not he had been tripping.
Obviously this couldn't go into any Monash publication but still it's the first thing that popped into my head.
I mulled over this as he walked away and an idea popped in my head. What if your dad smoked up and decided to give you that birds and the bees talk gangster like? I think it would go something like this,
Yo, what up son? It’s time fo’ me to lay down some knowledge on you boy. Here is the 411. Check it.
*Your dad cranks up the stereo and something that sounds like a little jon song starts playing and then he starts rapping.*
Yo son, ya gettin to that age, when things in your body start to feel strange,
Son, ya voice is gettin deeper and ya dong is gettin longer,
Hair is startin to grow all over, even in places you didn’t think it should ever,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
When ya see a woman, ya start to feel a stirrin,
Something deep inside you starts a movin and that dude in your pants starts a wiggling,
And ya start to feel a deep yearnin for something ya never thought about or even imagined,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
What you gotta do is keep it under wraps and keep those feelings in your pants,
And I don’t mean feel around your pants except maybe when you dance,
And by dance I don’t mean with your feet but with something that looks like a stick,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
What ya’re feeling is all natural, in fact that’s kinda how ya came about,
Cause ya see when a man loves a woman things kinda get nasty and children happen,
And if ya don’t want children, then son when ya decker protect your pecker,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,
Word up!
As mortified as you may feel at the time, you’ll look back at it and realise that you would still be as scarred regardless of whether or not he had been tripping.
Obviously this couldn't go into any Monash publication but still it's the first thing that popped into my head.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
the post that rants about hollywood films
I watched two films today. One at home and one at the theatre. Crank 2 - High Voltage at home and GI Joe at the place I mentioned in the previous sentence.
Crank 2 was absurd, a little crude, random, ridiculous and very entertaining.
GI Joe on the other hand was a run of the mill, Hollywood re-envisioning of a good old-school television show that was mind you, an integral part of my childhood much like many other similar intellectual properties of the era, that era being the mid 80s to early 90s.
It follows the Transformers route as opposed to the Iron Man route of Hollywood film making formulas. Which is, Hollywood takes a good tv show makes a film about it, then proceeds to defecate all over said intellectual property and in the process ruin countless good childhood memories. I'm not saying it was a bad film. No I'm most certainly not saying that, I might be very vaguely hinting it but I'm not saying it. Not out loud at least. I digress.
For most people who grew up without watching the Joes on tv (I'm looking at you kids of the 90s, yes your pansy-<insert expletive that means buttocks but can also mean mule or donkey and rhymes with bass; the fish not the low end frequency spectrum or instrument> generation), the film would have been mildly entertaining so long as you could overlook the goofy acting, cheesy lines, random Brendan Fraser cameo and reality defying physics. Yes if you could overlook all that it be mildly entertaining. The dialogue was predictable as were a lot of the entrance sequences for the main characters but you can't hate that really. Its stereotypical of the action genre.
Like Transformers 2, it was explosion, explosion, not very clever plot twist, cleavage, more explosions, slow motion explosions, slow motion cleavage and more explosions for good measure. The main difference between it and Transformers was this, one had robots fighting robots and the other had ninja fighting ninja as well a sexy brunette who could act (thank you Sienna Miller, yeah I'm looking at you Megan Fox you talentless excuse for an actress, brunettes everywhere die a little inside when your name is mentioned, also you're not sexy).
Don't get me started on Duke or Cobra Commander.
On the bright side the explosions were nice. So was Sienna Miller. She's hot. Very hot. The redhead was also hot-ish. The best actor through the film was probably the guy playing the French tech guy for the Joes. He had a Spanish accent in the last season of Lost and managed to pull off a really convincing French accent in GI Joe. Sienna Miller wasn't really playing the Baroness (Russian accent was missing amongst other things) but she did act well.
So yeah that was my day. I met up with Dom, she informed me that I was too passive (i.e. laid back, relaxed, nonchalant even) and that brought out the antagonist (READ: Bitchy) in her. Very nice. I love Dom, I shall strive to be more in "your" face next time. I swear. And now I chuckle because I can.
I've been listening to Duality by Slipknot, there is something about that song. And now after watching GI Joe, it seems even more relevant.
I put my fingers into my eyes...
Crank 2 was absurd, a little crude, random, ridiculous and very entertaining.
GI Joe on the other hand was a run of the mill, Hollywood re-envisioning of a good old-school television show that was mind you, an integral part of my childhood much like many other similar intellectual properties of the era, that era being the mid 80s to early 90s.
It follows the Transformers route as opposed to the Iron Man route of Hollywood film making formulas. Which is, Hollywood takes a good tv show makes a film about it, then proceeds to defecate all over said intellectual property and in the process ruin countless good childhood memories. I'm not saying it was a bad film. No I'm most certainly not saying that, I might be very vaguely hinting it but I'm not saying it. Not out loud at least. I digress.
For most people who grew up without watching the Joes on tv (I'm looking at you kids of the 90s, yes your pansy-<insert expletive that means buttocks but can also mean mule or donkey and rhymes with bass; the fish not the low end frequency spectrum or instrument> generation), the film would have been mildly entertaining so long as you could overlook the goofy acting, cheesy lines, random Brendan Fraser cameo and reality defying physics. Yes if you could overlook all that it be mildly entertaining. The dialogue was predictable as were a lot of the entrance sequences for the main characters but you can't hate that really. Its stereotypical of the action genre.
Like Transformers 2, it was explosion, explosion, not very clever plot twist, cleavage, more explosions, slow motion explosions, slow motion cleavage and more explosions for good measure. The main difference between it and Transformers was this, one had robots fighting robots and the other had ninja fighting ninja as well a sexy brunette who could act (thank you Sienna Miller, yeah I'm looking at you Megan Fox you talentless excuse for an actress, brunettes everywhere die a little inside when your name is mentioned, also you're not sexy).
Don't get me started on Duke or Cobra Commander.
On the bright side the explosions were nice. So was Sienna Miller. She's hot. Very hot. The redhead was also hot-ish. The best actor through the film was probably the guy playing the French tech guy for the Joes. He had a Spanish accent in the last season of Lost and managed to pull off a really convincing French accent in GI Joe. Sienna Miller wasn't really playing the Baroness (Russian accent was missing amongst other things) but she did act well.
So yeah that was my day. I met up with Dom, she informed me that I was too passive (i.e. laid back, relaxed, nonchalant even) and that brought out the antagonist (READ: Bitchy) in her. Very nice. I love Dom, I shall strive to be more in "your" face next time. I swear. And now I chuckle because I can.
I've been listening to Duality by Slipknot, there is something about that song. And now after watching GI Joe, it seems even more relevant.
I put my fingers into my eyes...
Friday, August 7, 2009
of riddles and flames, fires and names
I talk in riddles of fires and flames and of things too wonderful to name.
I've gone a circle about a pivotal plot, found the resting place of the lonely moth, who sits a top the master's clock, keeping watch over time and space and listening to the sound of tick-tocks. I am beauty in motion, prized in the heart of a sailor's devotion, like the splendour of the open ocean, the sweetness of this potion. I am the fire's fame, a soul you cannot contain, a heart you cannot tame, too wonderful to name. Roller coasters and their paths I've traveled, I hope the road before me doesn't unravel, lest I fall again to the carousel, whose motion is of a revolving prison. It's been awhile since I've smiled, I think my heart has been on trial, today I am once again a child, the innocence of that first smile.
Once again I speak in riddles of fires and flames and of the crimson fame too wonderful to name.
I've gone a circle about a pivotal plot, found the resting place of the lonely moth, who sits a top the master's clock, keeping watch over time and space and listening to the sound of tick-tocks. I am beauty in motion, prized in the heart of a sailor's devotion, like the splendour of the open ocean, the sweetness of this potion. I am the fire's fame, a soul you cannot contain, a heart you cannot tame, too wonderful to name. Roller coasters and their paths I've traveled, I hope the road before me doesn't unravel, lest I fall again to the carousel, whose motion is of a revolving prison. It's been awhile since I've smiled, I think my heart has been on trial, today I am once again a child, the innocence of that first smile.
Once again I speak in riddles of fires and flames and of the crimson fame too wonderful to name.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
this little monkey goes bananas
I am the monkey,
No I'm not chunky,
It's all kinda funky,
When you're the monkey,
I scream and howl,
Beat my chest and growl,
Make thrusting motions,
It all quite foul,
I've got bananas,
No they aren't wearing pyjamas,
They're cruising through the Bahamas,
Yes my lovely bananas,
I am the monkey,
You might think I'm a little funny,
It's better than being dreary,
I, the bananamonkey,
I am vulgar,
Sweetened with sugar,
Hot and bothered,
I'll cut you no quarter,
I've gone bananas,
Most certainly lost my manners,
But not my bananas,
Assuredly I've gone bananas.
No I'm not chunky,
It's all kinda funky,
When you're the monkey,
I scream and howl,
Beat my chest and growl,
Make thrusting motions,
It all quite foul,
I've got bananas,
No they aren't wearing pyjamas,
They're cruising through the Bahamas,
Yes my lovely bananas,
I am the monkey,
You might think I'm a little funny,
It's better than being dreary,
I, the bananamonkey,
I am vulgar,
Sweetened with sugar,
Hot and bothered,
I'll cut you no quarter,
I've gone bananas,
Most certainly lost my manners,
But not my bananas,
Assuredly I've gone bananas.
the post that slowly loses its mind
It's been sometime since I've written an actual post. I realise I've neglected this space posting only my most random thoughts in the form of silly poetry. I've had a lot on my mind but nothing worth putting down on paper as it were.
So what's new?
It's a new semester, which always perks my mood. New people in a very general sense means new relationships which in turn means new conversations about new subjects, at least I hope it translates to that.
We've got a new edition to the band, my new bass guitar, Sophia the Silvery Axe of Awesomeness. I call her Soph, she growls. It be very nice. Our band has also acquired a new tambourine. The Tambourine of Whimsical Delight. Rashaad likes her. He was having a whale of a time slapping her about. The Djembe might be slightly jealous as Rashaad now has to split his attention between the two of them during our acoustic gigs.
Which reminds me, we're playing at the hostelite party at Monash on Friday the 7th of August at an unspecified time after 7.30pm on the rooftop of Monash's building 7. I digress.
Our music is going well. Still working out the kinks in the recording process. Thing and Header are sounding really sexy. Still waiting to hear Goodbye, Goodnight and Hey Now mixed. I wrote Goodbye, Goodnight don't ask me what it's about because when I wrote it I was half asleep at something like 4am but yeah I hope it come out well. We've got another 4 or 5 songs in the mix.
One day people, Crossing Boundaries on iPods everywhere. Infecting the air waves with our unique brand of retardation. When the time comes don't forget to get your souvenir XB beer mugs. Definitely beer mugs, Shaneil will see to it. Rum will be a pre-requisite for every concert and t-shirts with super heroes on them.
Reality, we come back to it now. I've already met a couple of interesting new people at uni. I'm glad.
I'm listening to Pink by Aerosmith. That song always brings a smile to my face. Classic use of euphemisms and innuendos. Indeed. If you don't know what I'm talking about well, I'm sorry son you're missing out on a brilliant slice of musical comedy.
A post of mine is never complete without a seemingly arbitrary and almost non-sequitur mentioning of monkeys. They're still plotting our demise. I've ensured my safety though, I've stockpiled my banana (the fruit) reserve.
I think my odd fixation with simians comes from being bitten by one when I was ten years old. That monkey was vicious and it drank coke cola. Probably a reason behind why I don't drink coke. Well ok I do drink coke but I don't like it very much. True story. Having said all that, I do like my brother apes. As posted a while back regressing to our more primal state would definitely ease the worlds worries. After all the only itch that would need scratching would be the itch on your butt and in monkey society it's not rude to scratch yourself in public. Sigh. What a world that would be.
Reality, we have once again drifted away from it. Where was I? Actually I've lost myself. I'm right here where I was before but now Janie's got a gun. I think she killed her dad. They found him on the train tracks. She ran.
Reality, has given up on us.
Hope this has kept you entertained, I hope you kept up with the slow descent into madness. You know you did and you loved it. Cheers.
So what's new?
It's a new semester, which always perks my mood. New people in a very general sense means new relationships which in turn means new conversations about new subjects, at least I hope it translates to that.
We've got a new edition to the band, my new bass guitar, Sophia the Silvery Axe of Awesomeness. I call her Soph, she growls. It be very nice. Our band has also acquired a new tambourine. The Tambourine of Whimsical Delight. Rashaad likes her. He was having a whale of a time slapping her about. The Djembe might be slightly jealous as Rashaad now has to split his attention between the two of them during our acoustic gigs.
Which reminds me, we're playing at the hostelite party at Monash on Friday the 7th of August at an unspecified time after 7.30pm on the rooftop of Monash's building 7. I digress.
Our music is going well. Still working out the kinks in the recording process. Thing and Header are sounding really sexy. Still waiting to hear Goodbye, Goodnight and Hey Now mixed. I wrote Goodbye, Goodnight don't ask me what it's about because when I wrote it I was half asleep at something like 4am but yeah I hope it come out well. We've got another 4 or 5 songs in the mix.
One day people, Crossing Boundaries on iPods everywhere. Infecting the air waves with our unique brand of retardation. When the time comes don't forget to get your souvenir XB beer mugs. Definitely beer mugs, Shaneil will see to it. Rum will be a pre-requisite for every concert and t-shirts with super heroes on them.
Reality, we come back to it now. I've already met a couple of interesting new people at uni. I'm glad.
I'm listening to Pink by Aerosmith. That song always brings a smile to my face. Classic use of euphemisms and innuendos. Indeed. If you don't know what I'm talking about well, I'm sorry son you're missing out on a brilliant slice of musical comedy.
A post of mine is never complete without a seemingly arbitrary and almost non-sequitur mentioning of monkeys. They're still plotting our demise. I've ensured my safety though, I've stockpiled my banana (the fruit) reserve.
I think my odd fixation with simians comes from being bitten by one when I was ten years old. That monkey was vicious and it drank coke cola. Probably a reason behind why I don't drink coke. Well ok I do drink coke but I don't like it very much. True story. Having said all that, I do like my brother apes. As posted a while back regressing to our more primal state would definitely ease the worlds worries. After all the only itch that would need scratching would be the itch on your butt and in monkey society it's not rude to scratch yourself in public. Sigh. What a world that would be.
Reality, we have once again drifted away from it. Where was I? Actually I've lost myself. I'm right here where I was before but now Janie's got a gun. I think she killed her dad. They found him on the train tracks. She ran.
Reality, has given up on us.
Hope this has kept you entertained, I hope you kept up with the slow descent into madness. You know you did and you loved it. Cheers.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
big chief no shit
There was once this Red Indian village in the middle of the Mojave Desert whose chief was constipated and all the village knew and were concerned for the beloved chief. Word of a talented medicine man from a neighbouring village came to the chief's ears and so, he called for the medicine man to be brought to the village.
When the medicine man arrived the chief said to him, "Big Chief, no shit!". The wise medicine man brought out a bottle containing an elixir, an elixir to end the chief's constipation, he told the chief to take a little and that he would come back in the morning and check on the chief.
The next morning he went into the tepee and discovered that the chief's situation hadn't changed. He instructed the chief to take a bit more of the elixir. He went outside and announced to the village, "Big Chief still no shit!"
This happened again the next day, he gave the chief more elixir and went outside and announced to the village that "Big Chief still no shit!". This went on for 4 days, however on the fifth day the medicine man ran out of the chief's tepee in a panic and yelled hysterically,
"Big shit, no chief!"
When the medicine man arrived the chief said to him, "Big Chief, no shit!". The wise medicine man brought out a bottle containing an elixir, an elixir to end the chief's constipation, he told the chief to take a little and that he would come back in the morning and check on the chief.
The next morning he went into the tepee and discovered that the chief's situation hadn't changed. He instructed the chief to take a bit more of the elixir. He went outside and announced to the village, "Big Chief still no shit!"
This happened again the next day, he gave the chief more elixir and went outside and announced to the village that "Big Chief still no shit!". This went on for 4 days, however on the fifth day the medicine man ran out of the chief's tepee in a panic and yelled hysterically,
"Big shit, no chief!"
Monday, June 8, 2009
the story of the 99 mart girl
IF this was a movie, Jack black would be the star. All the words in italic are either thoughts or lyrics from songs.
Let me tell you the story of the 99 mart girl. I think her name is Lauren though until her name is confirmed I shall refer to her as 99 mart girl or 99 for short.
99 is the girl who works at the 99 mart down the street from my apartment. She's pretty in her orange uniform behind the counter she works at. Checking items out day by day, she never seems to complain, she's almost always got a big smile of on her face.
About a month ago a 99 mart opened up at Lagoon Perdana, where I stay. So naturally curious Yasir and I ventured out of our cave to survey the land and there she was, the most beautiful girl in world with her orange uniform and nose ring, there she was 99.
What can I tell you about her... erm she's got 2 eyes (they're big and brown), a nose (it's quite straight and sharp and it's pierced), 2 ears (they're pierced too), dark hair of medium length, a mouth (almost always smiling). She stands about 5 foot 6 or 7. She slender, petite even. Kinda like a punjabish version of that Nicole girl from the pussycat dolls minus all the skankiness and some of the height.
It's funny how a man only thinks about the
Sorry... what was I talking about? Oh yes 99, ah well yes, 99. So what do I do to generate contact between us, I go to the 99 mart about twice a week to buy a drink or some gum, so I can smile at her and so she can smile back at me. Such is our relationship, all smiles, winks, hi-s, thank yous and have a nice day. Not bad. Haha.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Mysterious girl, I wanna get close to you
I should probably chat her up one of these days but I'm really not sure what to talk about. Her orange uniform? Her job? Her nose piercing? The weather? Whether she believes that monkeys will one day take over the planet? Oh the myriad of topics are mind boggling. I suppose I should start with Hi, my name is Tristan or I could go with, Hey sexy lady, I like your flow... maybe not wouldn't be the way to go, she seems like a nice girl. So this is my distraction. I should be studying but... oh well. The question remains, to chat her up or not too? Tell me dance commander!
It would be awesome
if we could dance-a
It would be awesome, yeah
let's take the chance-a
It would be awesome, yeah
let's start the show
because you never know
you never know
you never know until you go
Let me tell you the story of the 99 mart girl. I think her name is Lauren though until her name is confirmed I shall refer to her as 99 mart girl or 99 for short.
99 is the girl who works at the 99 mart down the street from my apartment. She's pretty in her orange uniform behind the counter she works at. Checking items out day by day, she never seems to complain, she's almost always got a big smile of on her face.
About a month ago a 99 mart opened up at Lagoon Perdana, where I stay. So naturally curious Yasir and I ventured out of our cave to survey the land and there she was, the most beautiful girl in world with her orange uniform and nose ring, there she was 99.
What can I tell you about her... erm she's got 2 eyes (they're big and brown), a nose (it's quite straight and sharp and it's pierced), 2 ears (they're pierced too), dark hair of medium length, a mouth (almost always smiling). She stands about 5 foot 6 or 7. She slender, petite even. Kinda like a punjabish version of that Nicole girl from the pussycat dolls minus all the skankiness and some of the height.
It's funny how a man only thinks about the
Sorry... what was I talking about? Oh yes 99, ah well yes, 99. So what do I do to generate contact between us, I go to the 99 mart about twice a week to buy a drink or some gum, so I can smile at her and so she can smile back at me. Such is our relationship, all smiles, winks, hi-s, thank yous and have a nice day. Not bad. Haha.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Mysterious girl, I wanna get close to you
I should probably chat her up one of these days but I'm really not sure what to talk about. Her orange uniform? Her job? Her nose piercing? The weather? Whether she believes that monkeys will one day take over the planet? Oh the myriad of topics are mind boggling. I suppose I should start with Hi, my name is Tristan or I could go with, Hey sexy lady, I like your flow... maybe not wouldn't be the way to go, she seems like a nice girl. So this is my distraction. I should be studying but... oh well. The question remains, to chat her up or not too? Tell me dance commander!
It would be awesome
if we could dance-a
It would be awesome, yeah
let's take the chance-a
It would be awesome, yeah
let's start the show
because you never know
you never know
you never know until you go
Monday, June 1, 2009
the PS3 conspiracy theory
You know what's getting me down, all this Sony will rise again stuff that we keep reading about on gaming sites, while the console's sales continue to improve it still lags behind the Wii and the Xbox360. Humbug I say and no it's not because I own a Xbox or a Xbox360. See if I hated Sony I wouldn't have purchased a PSP slim (though I did sell it after about 3months of owning it) nor would I have owned a SonyEricsson w800i and then subsequently changed it to a w580i (Now I own a Nokia 5800, gotta to love that touch screen goodness).
Lets face the facts, they tried to compete with themselves and ended up falling over, or did they do just that in a ludicrously, mind boggling, almost nonsensical and convoluted way to make room for a playstation3 with a 4 slapped on instead? Re-branded as next-next generation.
Yeap they weren't competing against Microsoft or Nintendo, they were competing against the playstation2 and I think it's evident that Sony put too much technology into a box too soon. Why would they do that? Why intentionally increase the price of your system when you can get away with so much less? After all price tag is important. So I think it was all cleverly engineered plot, indeed a plot I tell you. A fiendish plot (cue cheesy villainous theatrical music).
What is this fiendish plot? (Lightning sounds effects in the background for added emphasis)
Well I think it goes something like this...
Time frame: Around end of PS2 life cycle and PS3 pre-development time...
Enter fiendish type plot (Maestro cue the music!).
A seemingly deceptive and conveniently long time ago, in a suspiciously small room in the money grabbing brothel of Sony HQ, modern day Japan. Sat two Japanese nerds watching AV Idol porn and eating rooster testicles, amongst other things while cracking their heads as to how to best their PS2. The PS3 development team had come up against a brick wall, a thick brick wall, a very thick and suspicious brick wall, one which no idea could penetrate. They had tried everything! Played Halo, eaten McDonald's, ramen, rooster testicles, hot pockets, bananas, played golf on one of the rooftop ranges in Japan, prank called Bill Gates several times asking him if his fridge was running and that he had better go catch it. Alas nothing helped them, this is probably what they thought as I imagine it to be, with British/Japanese accents.
PS3 Guy A "Ok we're stuffed mates, our bloody PS2 is the bomb, wtf are we going to do, how can we out shine the PS2?"
PS3 Guy B "We should play more halo 2, maybe if I kill a few more noobs, my mind will clear and we'll be able to think clearer"
So after an excessive amount of time on Xbox live, the developers came back to the table but still nothing had changed, they were stumped, so decided to smoke up which gave them the munchies (oh the munchies! THE MUNCHIES!) and so our intrepid developers ate a bit more McDonalds and ramen.
PS3 Guy A "Wtf man I'm stuffed after 3 big macs" and suddenly a lightbulb went off in PS3 Guy A's head "That's it"
PS3 Guy B "What's it?"
PS3 Guy A "We'll stuff it!"
PS3 Guy B "Stuff it? Man I think you've tapped one to many times on the bong"
PS3 Guy A "I mean stuff it with all the tech we have, that way people will hate the PS3, and so when we develop the PS4 with the similiar tech people will love the PS4"
PS3 Guy B "Dude, serious no more big macs and weed for you."
PS3 Guy A "Seriously dude, if we f*ck up the PS3, then we can outshine ourselves when we make the PS4!"
PS3 Guy B "I'm starting to question your sanity and my very existence, have you seen the size of my hands? they're huge! Still, you are after all PS3 Guy A, so yeah I guess we can do that and besides this porn would look great on blue ray."
PS3 Guy A "This is going to be so f*cking rad!"
PS3 Guy B "Whatever you say, I'm going back to calling Bill, I'm going pose as Darth Vader this time."
And thus the PS3 was born, f*cked up on purpose.
And thus ends my ludicrous blogpost, hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.
Lets face the facts, they tried to compete with themselves and ended up falling over, or did they do just that in a ludicrously, mind boggling, almost nonsensical and convoluted way to make room for a playstation3 with a 4 slapped on instead? Re-branded as next-next generation.
Yeap they weren't competing against Microsoft or Nintendo, they were competing against the playstation2 and I think it's evident that Sony put too much technology into a box too soon. Why would they do that? Why intentionally increase the price of your system when you can get away with so much less? After all price tag is important. So I think it was all cleverly engineered plot, indeed a plot I tell you. A fiendish plot (cue cheesy villainous theatrical music).
What is this fiendish plot? (Lightning sounds effects in the background for added emphasis)
Well I think it goes something like this...
Time frame: Around end of PS2 life cycle and PS3 pre-development time...
Enter fiendish type plot (Maestro cue the music!).
A seemingly deceptive and conveniently long time ago, in a suspiciously small room in the money grabbing brothel of Sony HQ, modern day Japan. Sat two Japanese nerds watching AV Idol porn and eating rooster testicles, amongst other things while cracking their heads as to how to best their PS2. The PS3 development team had come up against a brick wall, a thick brick wall, a very thick and suspicious brick wall, one which no idea could penetrate. They had tried everything! Played Halo, eaten McDonald's, ramen, rooster testicles, hot pockets, bananas, played golf on one of the rooftop ranges in Japan, prank called Bill Gates several times asking him if his fridge was running and that he had better go catch it. Alas nothing helped them, this is probably what they thought as I imagine it to be, with British/Japanese accents.
PS3 Guy A "Ok we're stuffed mates, our bloody PS2 is the bomb, wtf are we going to do, how can we out shine the PS2?"
PS3 Guy B "We should play more halo 2, maybe if I kill a few more noobs, my mind will clear and we'll be able to think clearer"
So after an excessive amount of time on Xbox live, the developers came back to the table but still nothing had changed, they were stumped, so decided to smoke up which gave them the munchies (oh the munchies! THE MUNCHIES!) and so our intrepid developers ate a bit more McDonalds and ramen.
PS3 Guy A "Wtf man I'm stuffed after 3 big macs" and suddenly a lightbulb went off in PS3 Guy A's head "That's it"
PS3 Guy B "What's it?"
PS3 Guy A "We'll stuff it!"
PS3 Guy B "Stuff it? Man I think you've tapped one to many times on the bong"
PS3 Guy A "I mean stuff it with all the tech we have, that way people will hate the PS3, and so when we develop the PS4 with the similiar tech people will love the PS4"
PS3 Guy B "Dude, serious no more big macs and weed for you."
PS3 Guy A "Seriously dude, if we f*ck up the PS3, then we can outshine ourselves when we make the PS4!"
PS3 Guy B "I'm starting to question your sanity and my very existence, have you seen the size of my hands? they're huge! Still, you are after all PS3 Guy A, so yeah I guess we can do that and besides this porn would look great on blue ray."
PS3 Guy A "This is going to be so f*cking rad!"
PS3 Guy B "Whatever you say, I'm going back to calling Bill, I'm going pose as Darth Vader this time."
And thus the PS3 was born, f*cked up on purpose.
And thus ends my ludicrous blogpost, hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
i'm a fucking tsunami
this goes out to jerry who asked me to write something that had i'm a fucking tsunami, phantasmagoria & non sequitur in it. Enjoy!
i'm a fucking tsunami,
come watch me roar,
complete tonal madness,
i'm the auditory orgasmosaur,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
come watch me shred,
i've got you in my bed,
with my wicked licks on this fucking thread,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll blow your fucking mind,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll fucking blow your fucking mind,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
you'll beg for more,
come watch me scream,
i'm phantasmagoric with my wicked lore,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
i'm non sequitur,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
i'm the phantasmagoric auditory orgasmosaur!
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll blow your fucking mind,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll fucking blow your fucking mind!
i'm a fucking tsunami,
come watch me roar,
complete tonal madness,
i'm the auditory orgasmosaur,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
come watch me shred,
i've got you in my bed,
with my wicked licks on this fucking thread,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll blow your fucking mind,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll fucking blow your fucking mind,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
you'll beg for more,
come watch me scream,
i'm phantasmagoric with my wicked lore,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
i'm non sequitur,
i'm a fucking tsunami,
i'm the phantasmagoric auditory orgasmosaur!
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll blow your fucking mind,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
don't try to stop me,
i'll fucking blow your fucking mind!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
primates and you
There are times when I ask myself, what would a monkey do if faced with the various predicaments that I find myself falling in & out of. Indeed what would a monkey do in my position? All I can come up with is arse scratching and bananas. Should my response to life's trials and tribulations be consuming copious amounts of banana while going at my posterior like a cat with blunt nails on scratching post.
The thought is not unpleasant. I do love bananas and butt scratching makes me feel very nice. Alas tis only a fools endeavour to pursue life with such simian philosophies. We've barely begun to understand how humanity works, how can we possibly hope to emulate our noble ape cousins. A truly perplexing conundrum, how ever will homo-ignoramus regress to a state of happy play time and supreme monkey loving of the naughty variety.
Sure we've got technology and money and gin & tonic with fancy little umbrella thingys that we place in said alcoholic beverage with a slice of lemon.
The question is what do we really have? We know technology will eventually kills us. Good examples are MTV and the internet. One rots your brain as evident from all the teens and adults who think the Jonas Brothers, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and 85% of what's on TV pass for artists or talented even, while the other gives you the illusion of having a life, indeed you're really the shit when you throw a sheep at someone. Then there is money and it being the root of all evil. On the upside, while money may not buy you happiness, i suppose it can make misery much easier to live with.
Then of course we've got gin, probably the only good thing we've made and contrary popular belief alcohol doesn't ruin your life, you do. Yes much love to the chap who distilled the first glass of gin and thought to himself "I wonder what this would be like with bubbly bitter water and a slice of lemon" yes, thank you sir I salute you!
And while I'm on the subject of alcohol I would like to make a shout out to my main man, God for giving us sugar cane, spices, the Caribbean and pirates and their ever awesome drink Rum! Arrrrr!
The pirate's life is a wonderful life...
Sidetracked. Yes alcohol, the taste of it, the smell of it, the thing it does to people you know so you can laugh at them and their alcohol enabled silliness.
Alcohol: Getting men laid since 10,000 BC
I digress, monkeys & alcohol! Weeeeeee! I ask... Can we frolic about bare-arsed scratching life away? No. Can we eat bananas buy the buckets like some people eat KFC and not suffer from loose bowels? No.
A sad state affairs. How I wish for the simpler pre-evolution times of earth. When it was the planet of the apes minus Charlton Heston and Mark Wahlberg in their respective film adaptations of the classic by Pierre Boulle.
To my primate comrades live life to the fullest before evolution gets you and sorry for the verbosity of this post. If it helps I knowing that you are slow readers, typed very slowly.
The thought is not unpleasant. I do love bananas and butt scratching makes me feel very nice. Alas tis only a fools endeavour to pursue life with such simian philosophies. We've barely begun to understand how humanity works, how can we possibly hope to emulate our noble ape cousins. A truly perplexing conundrum, how ever will homo-ignoramus regress to a state of happy play time and supreme monkey loving of the naughty variety.
Sure we've got technology and money and gin & tonic with fancy little umbrella thingys that we place in said alcoholic beverage with a slice of lemon.
The question is what do we really have? We know technology will eventually kills us. Good examples are MTV and the internet. One rots your brain as evident from all the teens and adults who think the Jonas Brothers, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and 85% of what's on TV pass for artists or talented even, while the other gives you the illusion of having a life, indeed you're really the shit when you throw a sheep at someone. Then there is money and it being the root of all evil. On the upside, while money may not buy you happiness, i suppose it can make misery much easier to live with.
Then of course we've got gin, probably the only good thing we've made and contrary popular belief alcohol doesn't ruin your life, you do. Yes much love to the chap who distilled the first glass of gin and thought to himself "I wonder what this would be like with bubbly bitter water and a slice of lemon" yes, thank you sir I salute you!
And while I'm on the subject of alcohol I would like to make a shout out to my main man, God for giving us sugar cane, spices, the Caribbean and pirates and their ever awesome drink Rum! Arrrrr!
The pirate's life is a wonderful life...
Sidetracked. Yes alcohol, the taste of it, the smell of it, the thing it does to people you know so you can laugh at them and their alcohol enabled silliness.
Alcohol: Getting men laid since 10,000 BC
I digress, monkeys & alcohol! Weeeeeee! I ask... Can we frolic about bare-arsed scratching life away? No. Can we eat bananas buy the buckets like some people eat KFC and not suffer from loose bowels? No.
A sad state affairs. How I wish for the simpler pre-evolution times of earth. When it was the planet of the apes minus Charlton Heston and Mark Wahlberg in their respective film adaptations of the classic by Pierre Boulle.
To my primate comrades live life to the fullest before evolution gets you and sorry for the verbosity of this post. If it helps I knowing that you are slow readers, typed very slowly.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
adverts
Imagine if you will, snow white frolicking in the cool clear waters of a misty lake near the cottage of the seven dwarfs, her home. She playfully splashes water around, without care or concern, she is lost in her euphoria. Roused by the sound of a bird singing in the distance. She takes it as her queue to leave the lake, dry off and return home. As she is about to leave the lake, the seven dwarfs happen to come by. She does not notice them. Emerging from the water, her nakedness apparent, her body glistening, the seven dwarfs are enthralled by the beauty presented to them.
This is the perfect advert for 7up.
Cheers.
This is the perfect advert for 7up.
Cheers.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
my friend "the retarded one"
I've decided to do a series of posts on my very colourful friends and their very quirky ways and how that makes my days complete. Be they the building blocks of the day or the icing on the proverbial cake.
I met the retarded one during the orientation program of the previous semester. He was a buddy and He reminded me of a crazy Moses. He was sporting a full beard at the time and was randomly saying crazy things. If you think about it, the Israelites would have probably thought that Moses was pretty nuts, leading them out into the desert and such. I digress.
So what of the retarded one? He has a terrible disposition when he's very hungry other than that he can be quite charming. If you ever need a pep talk, go to him. He'll relate to you one of his dragon slayer stories in which you are the dragon slayer who has slain a dragon and well he tells it a lot better than I do. He's given me my fair share of dragon slayer stories for the various downers I've had over the last two semesters.
A real man because when it comes down to it, you can always count on him. We have too many running gags for me to do any justice to by writing them in this space. Let me assure you that any time spent with this chap is time well spent.
Here is to you mate. You bastard! You went out drinking without me! Dirty bastard!
Oh well still love you mate. Haha.
I met the retarded one during the orientation program of the previous semester. He was a buddy and He reminded me of a crazy Moses. He was sporting a full beard at the time and was randomly saying crazy things. If you think about it, the Israelites would have probably thought that Moses was pretty nuts, leading them out into the desert and such. I digress.
So what of the retarded one? He has a terrible disposition when he's very hungry other than that he can be quite charming. If you ever need a pep talk, go to him. He'll relate to you one of his dragon slayer stories in which you are the dragon slayer who has slain a dragon and well he tells it a lot better than I do. He's given me my fair share of dragon slayer stories for the various downers I've had over the last two semesters.
A real man because when it comes down to it, you can always count on him. We have too many running gags for me to do any justice to by writing them in this space. Let me assure you that any time spent with this chap is time well spent.
Here is to you mate. You bastard! You went out drinking without me! Dirty bastard!
Oh well still love you mate. Haha.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
more monty python
while none of this is my own monty python madness thanks to sader continues to rush about my head
King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Monday, September 15, 2008
random things
sader and i talk Monty Python today,
a little dialogue regarding the holy hand grenade of Antioch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu...
"skip a bit brother"
And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen
a little dialogue regarding the holy hand grenade of Antioch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu...
"skip a bit brother"
And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
and sometimes i get bored
If I shot the sheriff, I wouldn't write a song about it let alone talk about the deputy.
If I thought the sky was falling, the only thing I'd be shouting is "move bitches get out the way, I gotta find me a cave"
If I was in the happening, I would have acted better than Mark Wahlberg and those bloody trees would have been shitting acorns.
If I was a director, I would have taught the guy who filmed cloverfield how to steady the camera, also I would have actually had some cloves in the movie, also I would have had an actual plot and the chick would have died from her wounds before the bomb blew them up.
If I was on a planet full of apes, I would bring some bananas with me.
If I was darwin, I would have had a pet beagle aboard the HMS Beagle
If I thought the sky was falling, the only thing I'd be shouting is "move bitches get out the way, I gotta find me a cave"
If I was in the happening, I would have acted better than Mark Wahlberg and those bloody trees would have been shitting acorns.
If I was a director, I would have taught the guy who filmed cloverfield how to steady the camera, also I would have actually had some cloves in the movie, also I would have had an actual plot and the chick would have died from her wounds before the bomb blew them up.
If I was on a planet full of apes, I would bring some bananas with me.
If I was darwin, I would have had a pet beagle aboard the HMS Beagle
Sunday, June 8, 2008
things to do if you, a guy find yourself arguing with a woman
If you find yourself in an argument with a woman, comment on how her shoes match a particular article of clothing. It has a 85% chance of disarming the situation.
When arguing with a woman, make eye contact. Lack of eye contact will get you condemned as a bad listener or worse a liar (if you're doing the talking).
Do not make too much eye contact. This will lead to the assumption that you're staring her down.
Do not stare at her chest. For obvious reasons.
Complement her but don't over complement her. Flattery can come across as an attempt to get into her pants. Be vague but not too vague. I realise I'm being vague. Years of practice my brothers.
When arguing never mention another woman. This will severely screw things up.
Do not pinch her arse. She's not in the mood. Though, this can in some situations get you laid. Angry fight sex can be intense. So I've heard.
When arguing you can make a lot of valid points. All she needs is one to tear you to pieces. As a guy you'll try to make sense. She won't let sense hold her back.
So to conclude... When arguing with a woman, don't! You're always wrong. The sooner you realise this, the better things get for you.
And now I wait...
And Jax... I know, I know... I'm a misogynistic shitbag... but you love me all the same =)
When arguing with a woman, make eye contact. Lack of eye contact will get you condemned as a bad listener or worse a liar (if you're doing the talking).
Do not make too much eye contact. This will lead to the assumption that you're staring her down.
Do not stare at her chest. For obvious reasons.
Complement her but don't over complement her. Flattery can come across as an attempt to get into her pants. Be vague but not too vague. I realise I'm being vague. Years of practice my brothers.
When arguing never mention another woman. This will severely screw things up.
Do not pinch her arse. She's not in the mood. Though, this can in some situations get you laid. Angry fight sex can be intense. So I've heard.
When arguing you can make a lot of valid points. All she needs is one to tear you to pieces. As a guy you'll try to make sense. She won't let sense hold her back.
So to conclude... When arguing with a woman, don't! You're always wrong. The sooner you realise this, the better things get for you.
And now I wait...
And Jax... I know, I know... I'm a misogynistic shitbag... but you love me all the same =)
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