star struck, her perfect imperfection

I am! I am!

It's always stacked against me. The girl always embodies the things that attract me the most.

Always. Always. Always.

I never seem to embody the things that attract her. I can't be what I'm not. This is me. Flawed me. She's not perfect but that is what makes her in a way perfect.

It frustrates me so much.

And as a friend and I were discussing the other day it isn't her fault. She can't help being who she is just as much as I can't help being who I am.

She can't help it that her beauty is the sort of beauty that attracts me, that her mind and personality are brilliant in the way that excites me, that the places she's been and the experiences she has gathered make her so unique and it is that uniqueness that captures me. It isn't her fault. It's not her fault that her smile locks me up, that the sound of her voice soothes me, that the way she tilts her head back when she laughs or the way she pouts drives me crazy.

It's not her fault. It's not her fault that I'm attracted to her. I can't help how I feel, it's not my fault either. It's God's fault. Fine it isn't. No one can be blamed I think. I want to blame someone. I can't. It frustrates me.

I'm frustrated because I can't change anything. I am frustrated because all I can do is spectate from the sidelines as this awesome girl floats through my life.

I don't want to be star struck. I don't want to be captivated. Because I'm scared that if I get to know her any better seeing her go will be unbearable. But I want to get to know her more and more. It's like being torn in two different directions. Like standing still, rooted and running at full speed all at once. Spinning free and yet caught.

It frustrates me. It all frustrates me.

I find myself on the edge of a precipice. I fear I will fall into her. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm frustrated.

I'm drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I'm star struck by her awesomeness.

Her perfect imperfection.