the day the world came crashing down on me

Awake, the ambient air unnaturally cool though the a/c is no longer on, its humming absent, dry from the long night i lick my lips wet. The steady rhythm of my heart in my ears parts the silence evenly.

Eyes open staring vacantly at the ceiling, I take my first conscious breath. The sudden coolness in my chest as my lungs fill with air, it rocks the final remnants of the broken night loose.

I am alive. I am alive.

Should be my only thought and yet I am greeted only with silent sorrow, its solemness adds a surreal quality to the coolness of the morning, it is both solemn and familiar, it is my comfort, my solace. It is sublime, no I have come to accept it as sublime. The alternative not a prospect I envy having.

With effort I push myself up, up, up, from my bed, the cold floor sends a shock through my system. On autopilot I go about my routine. I stop in front of the mirror. I check to see if the mask is in place. My mask of normal and adjusted is just where I left it, hiding the who I am behind it. I smile my secret smile and continue my routine. I know the answers to all the questions, I know how to be normal. I know. I do.

Clothed I move on with my day. Where am I going today? To learn a voice tells me. Learn? To that place then. I make my way, my mind already racing ahead of me. Thoughts racing through my mind at the speed of light, I am helplessly bound to them, following them as best as I can. I find myself there. Where did time go?

I walk in. I see faces I know, the mask smiles, good work I think. The faces smile back. Such insincere pleasantries we must engage in. I continue to walk. I sit. I listen. I try to learn. For some reason I can't, I never can, I hear but it never makes any sense. I leave that class. My friends, their faces smiling and so alive, they speak to me, there is sincerity, the mask replies. Very good work.

And then I see your face. Amazed, breathing shallow, pulse quickening, I reach, the mask struggles, it knows I take it off for you. I let you see me, it knows I let you see my soul, it urges me to stop, it screams to stay in place. I put my mask away for you. I let you stare into my eyes, I let you see the cold emptiness inside.

But you never do. You don't see me. You don't. You don't. You don't see the mask. You just don't see. I look down at my hands, I can't see them. I can't see them. Where have they gone? I run, I run, to a mirror searching, searching, I find myself staring at nothing. Where am I going? I have disappeared. You remain there staring through me. I cry, the tears burn my cheeks but you can't see the ocean rising around me consuming everything.

I fall, falling to my bed, my head hits the soft pillow, where has the day gone? Everything crashing down on me. Crashing, crushing. Where has the day gone?

Darkness engulfs me. Empty. Void. Awake. The cycle begins again.




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