depression

For the record I would like to state that I am not depressed. At least I believe that I am not.

Why bring this up?

Because I've had no end of grief from the people I'm closest to as they speculate my state of mind. It's depressing to be told that people think you're depressed. Especially when you believe you aren't. And really even if I am depressed, it's not like I'm suicidal.

I am not always a happy person. I realise that. So sue me.

Some mornings I wake up and just want to go back to bed and of late that's what I've been feeling. I get like this at the end of every semester. It's probably because I feel everything is spinning faster and faster and maybe even spiralling out of control. My apathy towards everything makes me feel worse for it. So some mornings when I wake up, I wake up and get hit by a big wave of how crappy things are. Some morning I just don't feel like being happy.

My insomnia robs me of a peaceful night's sleep. My nightmares rob me of a peaceful night's sleep.

Do you realise how miserable it is to be told you're depressed? By people you love?

I'm rambling. I'm rambling. RAMBLING!

Rambling here,
Words tripping on my lips,
Stammering the restless tongue,
I silence it with a blade,

Glossy they are reflecting sadness in my eyes,
They hiding a deeper sorrow inside,
Empty, hollow like starving children,
Reflecting but portraying not of the extent within,

The fire extinguishes for a soul gone cold
As my life plummets out of control,
The only fire left is on the end of a stick,
I light it up to find oblivion of self within my grip,

No reprieve, no repose from the wave I'm caught in,
Drowning, lungs screaming as I mutilate myself from within,
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning,
With my eyes I'm screaming, the silence of it deafening,

Maybe you're listening when you see,
But your words only serve to hurt me,
I am failed can't you see,
I am a product of my own idiocy,

So maybe I'm depressed but telling me I am is not helping.

On a lighter note, I had lunch with Shazeea which was fun more for the conversations we have till the subject of my supposed depression came up but that was Shaneil's fault. Also it was Romi's birthday today and Sader came dressed most smashingly, that brightened up my rather quiet day. Brighten being a literal and metaphorical mode here. We had coffee, the three of us, talked, made much merriment with our banana chocolate chip cupcake at the starbucks in pyramid. The cupcake was Romi's "birthday cake". And we had lollies for candles, I got a cola one. Yay me!

I was quiet at dinner with Yasir and the others but yeah I get like that. It just means I'm elsewhere. Not because being elsewhere is more important or that being here is less important. I just am elsewhere. Sometimes I don't know how to get back.

And thus ends my rather random and seemingly depressing post.

Ice cream anyone?