sanguine fire

I'm so angry right about now, just a shell of burning rage.
I'm looking for something to push me of the edge.

I'm heading for a breakdown, I think this ship is going down.
I'm burning in my core all my nerves are raw.

I can't isolate the thing that makes me so irate.
I just know that I want something to eviscerate.

I can taste nothing but steel on my tongue,
Sanguine fire from my eyes that tears down,

I can't hold on, with everything falling apart,
I can't hold on, with everything closing in,
I can't hold on, catch my fall.

Dark days

A darkness envelops this highway
Shades my sight in a haze of gray
Winter has fell summer with an autumn blade
I watch as everything falls to the sting of decay

There are dark days ahead
Only thorns for my head
Nails line the path I tread
There are dark days ahead



- Posted on the go

something for the ladies

hey ladies... checkout

The Industrious Bumble Bee. . .

It's a cosmetic blog that is being run by a friend's mum.

the post where he is sorry

I was recently told that I've been behaving like a proverbial jerk, insensitive and nasty. A part of me would like to believe that everyone around me is being overly sensitive. Alas that would be wishful thinking laced with deep denial. I've taken stock and realised that while I don't intend to offend people, what I find amusing about other people when vocalised can cause unnecessary hurt. It doesn't surprise me though. There is more power in words than anyone cares to acknowledge.

To cut a long story short. I'm sorry for offending you.

If you want a personal apology for something I did or said, please come see me, tell me how I offended you and I'll apologise.

requiem for the fallen

he is unrestrained rage,
twisted space,
a nexus to the black hole,
that sucks in everything around him,
compressed together,
within this twisting nether,

a blade out of the furnace,
hammered and shaped,
this rage is placed,
the bellows fan the flames,
the blade is lifted,
pointed at the earth and sky,

the death mask is in place,
a suit of armour,
fearsome and loathsome,
his rage calls for blood,
we go to war,
this old hound howls,

with his accursed blade,
he tears asunder,
all that stand in his way,
from head to toe he is covered in bloodshed,
all around him his foes fall,
till there are none left standing tall,

bloodlust leaves him,
he keels over in exhaustion,
he looks for a sign,
he looks at the stars in the great heights,
he closes his eyes,
and takes his life,

hypocrisy volume one - valentine's day

It's valentine's day once again and even as the morning dew saturates the air you can feel the groaning of waking hypocrisy. All across the planet couples are getting ready for tonight.

New shoes, outfits, accessories, haircuts. All in preparation of this one sadly pointless day. Made pointless by our hypocrisy. St. Valentine the patron saint of lovers, gave his life so that young roman couples could be together. He smuggled the young soldiers back from the frontlines so that they could spend some time with their lovers. For his kindness he lost his life.

But today we spit on his memory with our gross consumeralism. Our tacky gifts of chocolates and flowers. Feeding an industry that cares nothing about the well being of your relationship.

Flowers and chocolates aren't inherently bad. In fact it is a nice thing to give your loved one a gift of affection. God alone knows how much we need to love each other. The problem is that rather than see this day as a day to be corny and tacky and goofy about your relationship, the world has turned it into the penultimate day of any relationship.

You see people stress out about dinner reservations, presents. Rather than simply making time to be together.

In many relationships, you'll see how this is the only day for romance. Tragic when everyday is a day for romance. So many relationships falter because their valentine's day was less than perfect.

It saddens me, what started out as a tribute to the memory of a man who encouraged and fostered young love has turned into a petty day to feed personal desires for worldly possessions and shallow relationships.

To she who has my heart. Everyday with you is valentine's day because we always seem to find ways to make everything we do have meaning to our lives, you and I are perfectly imperfect, we compliment each other. You take me out of my mind and you make me consider the world around me. I stop to smell the flowers because you free my mind up to do so. In a mind of chaos you bring me focus.

I am turbulent, a raging torrent of thoughts and philosophies, of precepts and ideas, I am a violent storm, my very nature swallows me whole yet there you stand on the shore amidst the swirling vortex of entropy that is my life. You guide me by the hand to safety, take me like a child into your arms. You bring me peace, you keep me calm when all the world is too much to bear. You fill me up, you're in my veins. You take my breath away.

- Posted on the go

an evening out at Asia cafe

The night air is cool. Three people share an evening of laughter. Food, drink and merriment.

Teh tarik, teh ice and teh o ice. Whatever the poison be, here at this table there is camaraderie.












- Posted on the go

the euphoric nature of hot coffee

So I'm out of the house today, head to the mechanic to pay a deposit on a new engine for quirk, my car. Yes I named my car quirk. She's awesome. You cannot begin to imagine how much I miss her.

Anyways I put the deposit down and decide to head to pyramid where low and behold I meet Joanna. Random coincidence. Why am I blogging about this? No reason.

Now I'm at starbucks having a caramel machiatto, hot, grande.




I sit back sipping this drink and my mind begins to wander. I am suddenly diffused and ethereal. I spin thoughts that are abstract and whose contents are an esoteric caveat.

I take in the brightness of my surroundings. The glow of this place, draws me like a moth to an open flame.





Till my vision tunnels to the one real thing. The warmth of a cup in my hands.




This is me and my cup of coffee. Its soothing nature, calms my turbulent soul. The goodness and simplicity inherent in its saturated flavour takes all of me.

The bitter complexity of the bean, the creamy goodness of milk foamed to give it a sense of airieness. The sweetness of vanilla and caramel and perhaps most important of all the warmth of the cup.

Le dolce vita.

- Posted on the go.

hoegaarden makes everything better

That was one heck of an awesome beer. Half a litre of pure joy.


I remember the first time I saw a pint glass and I thought to myself, much like old sachmo Louis Armstrong, what a wonderful world. And after you've had a glass you're bound to see rainbows. Oh wait that is shrooms… my bad.

Still a pint fosters a certain sense of merriment between the people sitting at the table. A pint is something you have with your mates and it is the sort of camaraderie that furthers friendships.

So lads a toast to the almighty pint and the fellowship it brings.

- Posted via iPhone

fives

My sunnies :)


- Posted via iPhone

a vase

I'm alone in my bed, with all care and woe upon me I have no refuge it would seem, no place to hide from my wretched thoughts.

I cannot find escape and am too far from her sweet embrace. I drift through conscious states to the place where time evaporates somewhere out there lost inside this space.

I am a man within a broken vase, seeping out of the cracks that line its surface, into nothingness with gravity I am chased.

Remember me oh little face. Soft kisses that allure away from another nightmare's insufficient pace. I sleep without a trace of the life I've lived today. I close my eyes in faith to see another day.



- Posted via iPhone

the post about supporting a cause

I was on facebook today bored as I so often am, scrolling through the news feed when I came across an event, of course I use event very loosely in this context as the event is to simply wear the colour red to show your support for Haiti.

"God are you watching, I'm wearing red. I'm against earthquakes so please don't let the earth's tectonic plates shift any more. It's like totally cramping the style of like people everywhere you know. It's such a drag."

As you would undoubtedly know lest you were hiding under a rock through the first 2 weeks of the new year, that an earthquake has devastated the island country. Claiming the lives of so many and disrupting (a mild term) even more. This tragedy is not unlike the tsunami that hit Sri Lanka only a few years ago.

Now you might wonder what's this all about. I will explain myself.

It is quite simply this, how does wearing a colour do anything for the people of Haiti? The post also tells you to give generously which is noble and good. However my beef is with the idiocy of the notion that wearing a t-shirt of a particular colour will the help Haitian people. I get it when people support the fight against injustice or for freedom and so on and so forth. But how does one wear a t-shirt to show you're support against natural disasters?

I'm sure news reports of people wearing red will filter down to Haiti.

I can see it now...

Haitian #1 Frank
"Hey Bob, listen to this. It say here in this newspaper, that people around the world are wearing red t-shirts to show their support for us."

Haitian #2 Bob
"What?"

Frank
"I suppose we should take comfort in the fact that people are going about their daily lives wearing red in support of us and our suffering."

Bob
"I wish they had sent those t-shirts here. I wouldn't have been fussy either, they could have sent me green ones or blue ones."

Frank
"But red is so your colour."

Bob
"I'm just saying that those t-shirts sure ain't doing us any good."

Frank
"Indeed they aren't."

Bob
"It's indicative of the times we're living in Frank. As we all become more and more entrenched in the comings and goings of our daily lives we the masses find it harder and harder to spare our time to truly help our fellow man and as such we have found simple ways to make ourselves feel like we're doing something without it actually costing us anything. And so the mandate for the masses is simply to wear an article of clothing and go about one's day."

Frank
"How true."

Agree with me or not, it doesn't bother me. My point has been made. If you're going to do something to help other people. Do it, you don't have to wear a sign saying "hey look at me i feel (insert emotion) for the suffering of the people in (insert place) I'm such an awesome person for feeling the way I do, I'll wear this (insert article of clothing) to tell everyone that I feel this way and so that people can be aware."

What use is raising awareness if all anyone is going to be aware of is that not everyone looks good in red?

i got an iPhone

So I got an iPhone on saturday. Now I'm blogging about it at work. Ah the wonders of modern technology. Work is great, today I spent most of my day sand blasting little pieces of metal. It wasn't as fun as some of the other things I've been able to do at work.

I'm up everyday at 7am and at work by 8.30am. Work itself is tiring as it involves a lot of heavy lifting and physical strength but it's fun. I leave work at 5.30pm and get home by 6.15pm. I'm not sure where night goes but before I know it is time to hit the sack.

Back to the iPhone. It's pretty much all it is cracked up to be and then some. I managed to get a really cool cover for it. It's a stormtrooper's helmet. It is friggin sweet.

Anyway my break is almost over and I have to get to work. Till next time this Tristan signing off.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

if i had words

you and i are an enigma,
trapped within time,
you and i are fragments,
of the same mind,

if i had words to speak,
what would i say to you?,
if i had words to sing,
what melody would i use?,

if all the world were mine,
what could i give you?,
if all things were known to me,
what would i know about you?,

i have only these simple words,
and this simple rhyme,
i have only these hands,
to take yours in mine,

hide your face against my chest,
your hair from your face i slowly brush,
and feel the warmth of your breath,
while our heartbeats flutter as emotions rush,

i will speak to you these little words,
i will say to you this simple rhyme,
i am yours,
and you are mine,

the cyclic post

It has been sometimes since I've actually written out a proper post. I've been seeding this place with my silly poetry but none of my more literal thoughts. Either way I don't think anyone reads this crap and so I guess it doesn't really make much difference what I post.

With that bit of self-deprecation out of the way I'll move on to more substantial things. Turmoil has once again flooded my mind as it seems to do when the semester draws close to an end. Once again I feel like I'm bleeding out from a wound I cannot close, a wound that I've inflicted on myself. I'm clever like that and mildly masochistic. The curious who read this blog might wonder what that wound is, if you're looking for details you're out of luck because even I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is. All I know is this, I'm bleeding out and slowly drowning in a pool of my own bloody effluence with no life line in sight. A dramatic description I know but then again what would this blog be without its drama.

I feel stretched thin like the skin over a drum. Flayed and abuse, I've grown to see myself as a husk that houses an empty void inside. My mother would argue that is because I've abandon my faith and my God and have chosen to pursue nothingness. That might very well be the case, still I can't find it in me to want to have anything to do with God or church or faith. It would seem I lost that life and now my mind is too distorted to believe in it. I'm looking for something to spark in me a new fire but I guess I'm looking in the wrong place. All I really do is sigh about things without pro-actively changing anything.

Furthermore my head is in a bind, the details of which I won't disclose as I feel talking about them won't do me any good. Not in this space at least. This will have to suffice, I'm scared. So very scared of the choice I must make and what that may lead to. I can't make a mistake this time as it would cause more things to go wrong than already have. Generating more suffering into an already abundantly filled swirling vortex of entropy, one that looms before me. My mind is clouded and diffused. I don't know what I want. On the one hand I have an idea or a notion that I'm chasing and a fact that I'm trying to deny. My mind is terribly torn by what I know to be the truth and the lie I wish I could delude myself into believing. Time might resolve this conflict, it may not. The little part of me that enjoys a slice of irony hopes while the rest of me continues to struggle with my inner and stupid conflicts.

My hope is evanescent, a time numbered by my choices thus far. My future seems bleak as I cannot peer beyond the grey mist that has shroud my path. I cannot look beyond it and no light can seem to break through. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in the misery I have created and apportioned myself. There seems to be no high ground. Some days I'm utterly and totally depressed by how much I've allowed myself to fail. Which I suppose brings me to the crux of the matter, as I've written before of this recurring theme, I am my own worst enemy.

Some might tell me to stop wallowing in my own filth and pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with life. I would tell them they are right. Though being agreeable to that course of action does not then mean anything will be different lest that action be carried out. It would seem simple enough to do however I've yet to do it. My mother would say that I derive some satisfaction from being in the miserable state that I am in. I suppose she is not wrong, everyone wants to fix the troubled people and I guess I must on some level enjoy the attention. That is a sad realisation, a terribly sad realisation. I think something must be broken up inside my head for me to want to prolong the internal suffering I endure everyday by further creating situations in which I can suffer.

It would seem that I drive a wedge between myself and joy or happiness. Always looking to pursue things that cannot be while constantly neglecting that which can. I speak of course about my family, my friends and my studies. I even fear falling asleep because I'm trying to hold onto today and not have to face tomorrow. I want to live in yesterday but keep finding tomorrow creeping up on today. I try to blot out these thoughts with non-beneficial things like watching tv or reading but when I'm alone I can't escape my thoughts and it is my thoughts that do me in. I think if I could, I would think myself to death.

Now one might read this and think that everything is wrong with my life. Fact is this, it is not. My life is fine, it's not even that big of a mess. I have a myriad of simple solutions that would fix a great deal. This post is just my way of laying out what is bugging me and planning a course of action from there. I let you read my thoughts only so you can understand me further, not to burden you with the gravity of them. If you see yourself in my thoughts then I hope you make changes to better your situation so that you don't find yourself awake at 4.30 in the morning because of your insomnia randomly posting your banal thoughts on a public access journal.

Some days I feel so alone and that nobody could possibly understand me. Most days I'm wrong about that. In fact I think I'm wrong about a great many things. Don't tell anyone, I'd like them to believe that I know everything. It helps keep the illusion that I'm a fully functioning individual, not some factory reject with his thinking switch set to "stupid on LSD". You probably found that last bit amusing. See what I mean about knowing everything. It's true. Chuckle all you want.

And so while the general tone of this post has been far from light, I'm glad I put my thoughts down somewhere. You who read them may think less of me, I hope you don't because that was not the intent. No the real intention was this, that you could understand me a little more than you did about 10mins ago before you started reading this. In a way I've ensured that you'll think about me a little more and hopefully care an extra bit.

Now I must say goodbye but not for the last time, at least I hope not. It's curious how one never truly knows if it is a generic goodbye or the very last goodbye that has been uttered and we never stop to ponder the impact of what we've said or what we've heard, oh well such is life. As I see it, life is complex in its simplicity and quite ironic in its design. Goodbye.

without a sunrise

bleak is a morning without a sunrise,
with rain hammering down on softened ground,
to look out and find grey clouds and the world drowned,
in the sorrow of one man's tears,
as his mind contemplates the sum of all his fears,

the sun hides behind a shroud of rain clouds,
with the waters swallowing whole the accursed ground,
there is no warmth only a chill that lingers in his bones,
perhaps he is only losing his mind for crimes not atoned,
dead inside he knows he has lost his soul,

the darkened sky holds him in place,
broken and contrite in this the hour of his twilight,
he is on his back on the ground with the waters that surround,
unable to move his lungs are beginning to drown,
as his entire life like the rain comes falling down,

he is now cold and grey a lifeless piece of clay,
in a box on display for the people at his wake,
they shed tears for him who died beneath the weight of fear,
hidden behind sullen faces silently they cheer,
for him who is no longer here.

we are mankind

we are moments strung together on a string,
a string that holds us close and keeps on twisting,
twisting on into a sunrise of dreams,
dreams that this morning will bring,

we are you and i in art,
art abstract in its brilliant design,
design that no human mind can define,
define from its immaculate part,

we are moments strung together like beads,
beads of self contained dreams,
dreams we hold in our eyes,
eyes that see what the world can be,

we are you and i in sounds,
sounds of hearts beating as one,
one voice for all that hear,
hear us as our world turns inside out

we are moments you and i,
we are all mankind.

nothing more than stone

I once saw in the sky a light burning brighter than a candle at night, I had no idea what it could be only that it made see all the beauty around me. I ignored the beauty and tried to reach out to take the light from the sky. I wanted it for myself more than anything else, I craved for it everyday till I was nothing more than a soulless piece of clay. I sat and I schemed but nothing would come to me. So I just kept on looking to the sky as all around me people passed me by till I was nothing more than stone, sitting there all alone.

the needle and the escape

I’m sad and I’m all alone, I’m holed up in my little room,
I hear the voices on the streets,
But none of them are speaking to me,
That’s my life and no one ever notices me,

I walk down the street and eat at the places you eat,
Like everyone else I catch the bus, you’ll never hear me make a fuss,
Maybe that is why no one ever notices me,
Maybe that is why you’ll never notice me,

I come and go as I like with my head down, I never see the sky,
People never seem to see me pass them by,
But I don’t really care,
That no one ever stops to ask me about the frown I wear,

Because I have a place to hide,
A place where I don’t cry,
Alone in my little room I grab the needle that spells my doom,
And shoot up to find my dreams in colourful hues,

This little point, addictive and destructive,
That pierces my skin and takes me to a place deep within,
Where I can fly to places unknown,
And dream of things the world hasn’t sown,

With every hit I take a little part of me dies,
And you would think that would make me cry,
But I can’t tear when my mind is so unclear,
When reality and fiction I can no longer differ and life is nothing more than a whisper,

With time I slowly unravel, as the effect of the narcotics through my veins travels,
Soon they will put me in a box and cover me with gravel,
Every hit makes the sound of death roar louder,
Soon enough it will envelop me like a forest fire,

I wake up from the delirium, the euphoria of the hit still holding,
The reality of the danger forgotten,
My last shot I tell myself with a sorrowful sigh,
And go out to face another day beneath the sky,

Maybe when I overdose someone will find me,
Maybe when I’m gone someone will cry for me,
Maybe when I’m gone someone will notice,
I doubt but a small part of me hopes it.

I take the needle and the escape,
To ignore life and my mistakes,
To find a way to face another day,
I take the needle and the escape.

I wrote this for the MUISS Mad Monkey a couple of weeks ago

the vermin and the paladin

truth kept hidden by a lie,
the vermin and paladin juxtaposed,
we are all of us but broken bones,
healing within the fire of a tumultuous throne,

we are noble in our pain,
yet despicable in our fame,
this life our blight cannot contain,
though death is last thing we profane,

we live only to one day die,
though few believe that we can die to one day live,
life has struck us and pierced us like a shiv,
our bodies day by day escaping this mortal pit,

you are all of you vermin, i included,
this you may think the ravings of a mad man deluded,
none of you paladins, i and Charlemagne have concluded,
our strength is all but lost we are a species wounded,