I'm glad to report, I'm back on track.
Well almost, now that the ball is over and I've regained a measure of my former self, I'm hitting the grindstone tomorrow and getting up to speed on uni work.
If i manage to get myself up to speed tomorrow, I'll be complete back on track if not, well I'll be a lot closer than I've been for a while.
Goodnight world. I love you!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
euphoria
the bass was pumping,
she was grooving,
eyes closed as she moved,
her body to the beat entrancing,
the dance floor was hers,
she turned heads,
i could only smile,
she had the room spinning,
the bass was pumping,
hearts were thumping,
to the rhythm we were swaying,
ours was euphoria,
she was grooving,
eyes closed as she moved,
her body to the beat entrancing,
the dance floor was hers,
she turned heads,
i could only smile,
she had the room spinning,
the bass was pumping,
hearts were thumping,
to the rhythm we were swaying,
ours was euphoria,
good times, good people
THE MONASH BALL
Was bloody tiring, my feet still ache as I'm typing this. It was a pot load of fun. I had a ball at the ball. Manil did a really good job organizing it. There were a couple of hitches but they weren't his fault. My security personnel were in top form. Brilliant chaps. The day started for me at about 12pm, I was at the ball helping with last minute things, got home around 2pm got into my suit and was back at the ball by 4pm. Left the ball around 11.30pm and headed for MOS.
As for the ladies, well I spent the evening with two very different, very awesome individuals. For the most part of the ball I spent my time with Shazeea. Boy can this lady dance and with a very nice set of hips at that. When the dance floor opened that's where I was, dancing the night away with Shaz. She had to leave early and couldn't join us at MOS, I escorted her to her car and that was the end of that.
The other lady that I spent my evening with was a certain Alexandra Sader, who thought it would be hilarious to give me kissy marks on my cheeks and forehead. I blushed, a little. I'm not complaining, one does not complain when a pretty girl gives you a kiss on the cheek. We spent our time at MOS talking about, well a great many things, we drank, we danced and when it was time to leave, I made sure she and her friend got into a cab and that they got home safely. My night ended at 3.30am.
All in all, I had a good time with very good people.
It was fun to see Yasir let loose and have a drink, get his groove on. It was even funnier to see Darren quite pickled as well as other friends of mine in the VIP area. It was awesome to see admin staff at MOS. The bass was pumping, Sader and I were moving to the beat, it was all very sweet.
A count on the drinks: 17shots of whiskey (I think, I lost count after a while) and a beer, some ice and coke, a lot of water, some sweat. Thanks to my huge liver, I remained sober.
A count for the love: Many hugs from pretty women, most notably Shazeea, Naime, Alexandra(hugs and kisses) hehe. Yeah it was a good night and I'm a lucky boy.
I walked away from last night a happier man than I've been in ages. I was with good friends, Kelvin, Usman, Ikmal, Ashwin, Yasir, Darren, Manil and there are just too many people to name but they were all awesome to be around. Companionship that only required their presence to enjoy.
I cut the last strings holding me back last night and I feel free again. Hello world, Tristan is back.
Was bloody tiring, my feet still ache as I'm typing this. It was a pot load of fun. I had a ball at the ball. Manil did a really good job organizing it. There were a couple of hitches but they weren't his fault. My security personnel were in top form. Brilliant chaps. The day started for me at about 12pm, I was at the ball helping with last minute things, got home around 2pm got into my suit and was back at the ball by 4pm. Left the ball around 11.30pm and headed for MOS.
As for the ladies, well I spent the evening with two very different, very awesome individuals. For the most part of the ball I spent my time with Shazeea. Boy can this lady dance and with a very nice set of hips at that. When the dance floor opened that's where I was, dancing the night away with Shaz. She had to leave early and couldn't join us at MOS, I escorted her to her car and that was the end of that.
The other lady that I spent my evening with was a certain Alexandra Sader, who thought it would be hilarious to give me kissy marks on my cheeks and forehead. I blushed, a little. I'm not complaining, one does not complain when a pretty girl gives you a kiss on the cheek. We spent our time at MOS talking about, well a great many things, we drank, we danced and when it was time to leave, I made sure she and her friend got into a cab and that they got home safely. My night ended at 3.30am.
All in all, I had a good time with very good people.
It was fun to see Yasir let loose and have a drink, get his groove on. It was even funnier to see Darren quite pickled as well as other friends of mine in the VIP area. It was awesome to see admin staff at MOS. The bass was pumping, Sader and I were moving to the beat, it was all very sweet.
A count on the drinks: 17shots of whiskey (I think, I lost count after a while) and a beer, some ice and coke, a lot of water, some sweat. Thanks to my huge liver, I remained sober.
A count for the love: Many hugs from pretty women, most notably Shazeea, Naime, Alexandra(hugs and kisses) hehe. Yeah it was a good night and I'm a lucky boy.
I walked away from last night a happier man than I've been in ages. I was with good friends, Kelvin, Usman, Ikmal, Ashwin, Yasir, Darren, Manil and there are just too many people to name but they were all awesome to be around. Companionship that only required their presence to enjoy.
I cut the last strings holding me back last night and I feel free again. Hello world, Tristan is back.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
machination
machination
i like the word, it means "A crafty scheme or cunning design for the accomplishment of a sinister end.", rarely used but aptly describes so many people and the things they do. I'm a schemer.
Why bring this up? No particular reason, i just really like the word and i thought i would share it with the people who read my blog.
Moving on.
As always I'm trying to avoid writing about anything of consequence as I do not feel that I have anything of consequence to say. That which matters, matters very little to me at the moment.
I can say that I'm utterly thrilled that Anwar Ibrahim is running in the by-election that is being held in Permatang Pauh and that at this moment in time is leading. Winds of change? Change for the better I hope.
Moving on.
My days are long but filled with very little. A self constructed situation. I will admit that I'm missing her. I'm missing her very much but she'll not know because she doesn't frequent my blog and the words won't escape my lips without good reason. We're strangers almost. It's sad.
Moving on.
Many ideas fill my head, though not much sense can be made of them. Confusion the in process of the thought diffusion. Everything seems like an illusion. Dreamlike quality in every day. It never seems to hit me.
Moving on.
I don't know where i'm moving to next. I just don't know.
i like the word, it means "A crafty scheme or cunning design for the accomplishment of a sinister end.", rarely used but aptly describes so many people and the things they do. I'm a schemer.
Why bring this up? No particular reason, i just really like the word and i thought i would share it with the people who read my blog.
Moving on.
As always I'm trying to avoid writing about anything of consequence as I do not feel that I have anything of consequence to say. That which matters, matters very little to me at the moment.
I can say that I'm utterly thrilled that Anwar Ibrahim is running in the by-election that is being held in Permatang Pauh and that at this moment in time is leading. Winds of change? Change for the better I hope.
Moving on.
My days are long but filled with very little. A self constructed situation. I will admit that I'm missing her. I'm missing her very much but she'll not know because she doesn't frequent my blog and the words won't escape my lips without good reason. We're strangers almost. It's sad.
Moving on.
Many ideas fill my head, though not much sense can be made of them. Confusion the in process of the thought diffusion. Everything seems like an illusion. Dreamlike quality in every day. It never seems to hit me.
Moving on.
I don't know where i'm moving to next. I just don't know.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
a frosted perception
a frosted perception is all that i have,
as i peer through this window pane,
a view skewed by light refracted,
as it passes these icy veins,
over the imagery presented i muse,
what do i see? what can it be?
using all my logic on a view so caustic,
so very little i deduce,
a tombstone, i think i see a grave,
is it death i crave?
blissful rest of the certain dead,
am i that depraved?
a severed heart still beating,
the pulse, a placating rhythm,
defiant and still trenchant,
even with the grave surrounding,
in the distance i hear weeping,
and over it a mordacious commentary,
the content of it a diary read out,
this person's life a warning to heed,
of all this i can make no sense,
i think the cold has got to me,
i shiver, i can muse no more,
the future perhaps i've seen,
hopeless, perhaps i'm only dreaming,
pleasing in the view was one thing,
something small, like a feeling,
it sparked in me curiosity,
a box, an interesting visage adorning it,
i like her face, i think i care for her somehow,
a name written on the side, pandora it says,
maybe i should enter and open it,
something nags at me not to,
a future or doom lie in the closed box perhaps?,
curiosity gives me a reason to continue,
should i? which will this box bring me?
as i peer through this window pane,
a view skewed by light refracted,
as it passes these icy veins,
over the imagery presented i muse,
what do i see? what can it be?
using all my logic on a view so caustic,
so very little i deduce,
a tombstone, i think i see a grave,
is it death i crave?
blissful rest of the certain dead,
am i that depraved?
a severed heart still beating,
the pulse, a placating rhythm,
defiant and still trenchant,
even with the grave surrounding,
in the distance i hear weeping,
and over it a mordacious commentary,
the content of it a diary read out,
this person's life a warning to heed,
of all this i can make no sense,
i think the cold has got to me,
i shiver, i can muse no more,
the future perhaps i've seen,
hopeless, perhaps i'm only dreaming,
pleasing in the view was one thing,
something small, like a feeling,
it sparked in me curiosity,
a box, an interesting visage adorning it,
i like her face, i think i care for her somehow,
a name written on the side, pandora it says,
maybe i should enter and open it,
something nags at me not to,
a future or doom lie in the closed box perhaps?,
curiosity gives me a reason to continue,
should i? which will this box bring me?
and now for something different
So putting matters of the heart aside (in which no pragmatism can possibly exist.). I have decided to write about nothing of consequence, deciding my attempt at pragmatic thought isn't much of an attempt as the attempt continues at a capricious pace, apathy being the order of the day. In fact that line has become my new blog description so that it may remind me of my current state of mind. Which even as I type seems redundant to me, seeing as I live inside my head and know exactly what is going on (or not) in there.
I write for the entertainment of my readers (if any exist). These days though I find so little to write about.
I could talk about the cesspool that is politics but I do not see the point in that, for so long as the human element remains there will be corruption and if it is removed then there would be no humanity because at the very heart of our species we are corrupt. We don't have to try to be evil, it is doing good that is unnatural to us. Nevertheless we are trying and that has to count for something.
I will not talk about love for it is not the many splendid thing described in that song. No. No it is most certainly not. At this point in time though my distaste for love and its' intoxicating, now to me revolting effect is reasonably understandable, as extensively covered in several past blogposts my heart has suffered a gratuitous amount of hurt from which it is recovering at an ever so dilatory pace. The recovery is a laborious one, which in layman's terms means a right pain in the arse. Still one must press on.
Oh I despise thee cursed fel-love,
I rebuke thee return from whence thou came,
Be gone heathen creature,
My heart despairs this foul disease,
For which there is no cure,
Save the long passing of time.
Now that my medieval-esque tirade is over I shall continue with what I set out to do and that is absolutely nothing of consequence and I think I have thus far succeeded in that attempt. And now I fail. Because the human condition and all its idiosyncrasies, namely love are at the very core of my being. And so at some point in the near future, I shall blog about something of consequence. Or of the people of consequence and the conversations I have with them.
I like conversations. I like them very much, especially the random ones.
I write for the entertainment of my readers (if any exist). These days though I find so little to write about.
I could talk about the cesspool that is politics but I do not see the point in that, for so long as the human element remains there will be corruption and if it is removed then there would be no humanity because at the very heart of our species we are corrupt. We don't have to try to be evil, it is doing good that is unnatural to us. Nevertheless we are trying and that has to count for something.
I will not talk about love for it is not the many splendid thing described in that song. No. No it is most certainly not. At this point in time though my distaste for love and its' intoxicating, now to me revolting effect is reasonably understandable, as extensively covered in several past blogposts my heart has suffered a gratuitous amount of hurt from which it is recovering at an ever so dilatory pace. The recovery is a laborious one, which in layman's terms means a right pain in the arse. Still one must press on.
Oh I despise thee cursed fel-love,
I rebuke thee return from whence thou came,
Be gone heathen creature,
My heart despairs this foul disease,
For which there is no cure,
Save the long passing of time.
Now that my medieval-esque tirade is over I shall continue with what I set out to do and that is absolutely nothing of consequence and I think I have thus far succeeded in that attempt. And now I fail. Because the human condition and all its idiosyncrasies, namely love are at the very core of my being. And so at some point in the near future, I shall blog about something of consequence. Or of the people of consequence and the conversations I have with them.
I like conversations. I like them very much, especially the random ones.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
nice to know you, goodbye
It's been ages since my last update. Tsk. Tsk.
Things are happening in my life but blogging about it doesn't seem important. My thoughts have generally run a muck in my head and have given me grief to no end. Granted between all the painful thoughts there have been the sweet ones. That girl I blogged about previously she's at the root of both pain and sweetness. For awhile though it was more pain than sweet. However I decided it was time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and put together a new picture for my heart.
My task was seemingly insurmountable but with the support and encouragement of my compatriots even though I pretended I wasn't listening, it would seem some of it sunk in and letting the girl go became an unconscious priority. There seemed no point in dragging out my suffering, I was hurt beyond description, it seemed like life had screwed me over yet again and I thought I was on the downward spiral of depression. Life seemed meaningless and no I never contemplated suicide, that is in my opinion the cowards way out. No I mustered all the pragmatism and sensibility within me, prayed several heart wrenching prayers and pushed the girl out of my mind completely. Though obviously not as completely as I had hoped. I am human.
I won't say that I'm alright. I won't say that I'm back to being the person I was before I met her. Because I'm not. I've gone back to an old vice, picked up a new one and am more cynical than I've ever been. Without her I feel like a lesser person. Much like thinking you're complete until you're shown what you were missing. I won't say something boneheaded like I can't live without her, I won't say I need her. No, because I can live without her, I did it for 22years and I can keep doing it, though my life will be missing an essential colour. A flavour. It will be missing her.
Life is not fair, no one said it would be and you have no reason to expect it to be. We all have to play the hand we're dealt, lie in the bed we've made. Crying over it only seeks to drain you of your energy, making it that much harder to face the day ahead. I am here now at this point. I have learned to love her and not hurt as much as before. I've learned to be a friend, well as best as possible with what I have to work with. My heart is better, it still aches when I see her or think about her but I know it'll always do that. Much like breaking a bone, it heals with time but there will always be some pain especially on those cold rainy nights. And for me the rain hits closer to home than one may realise because she and I share a love for the rain or more accurately thunderstorms.
I suppose it appeals because both of us have such turbulent lives. We're both living storms.
As I said earlier letting her go was an unconscious priority and I surprised myself at how far I've gone. Now it's a conscious priority. I know I'll always love her. I can't deny that part of me. Once I love someone, I never stop.
My hope is that God sends me someone, someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I would love them, completely. Someone who would pick me. Someone who would be willing to sacrifice the world for me as I am willing for her. Not that I'd ever ask for it. No, this woman I love now and I never asked her to choose between me and her situation, between me and her life, between me and her friends. No I never did and I never would. No, I never asked her to choose me.
So to end it all. I'm not alright. I'm not fixed. I'm getting better and I learning to her let go. There is a smile on my face and for a change it's genuine. In a way I'm saying to my feelings about her "It was nice to know you, goodbye." I enjoyed hoping for her, I enjoyed the thoughts I had in my mind of her but now it's time to say goodbye to those thoughts and feelings. Time to put them away lest I miss out on all the other wonderful people in the world. And as for her and I whatever will be, will be may that be God's will.
The love remains, that will never end. And I have no regrets for that fact. None whatsoever. Though it saddens me that I will miss her kisses and her eyes. Indeed I will miss her kisses and those eyes. And her smell. And her hair. And her warmth. And her touch but I will miss her kisses and her loving eyes most of all.
Things are happening in my life but blogging about it doesn't seem important. My thoughts have generally run a muck in my head and have given me grief to no end. Granted between all the painful thoughts there have been the sweet ones. That girl I blogged about previously she's at the root of both pain and sweetness. For awhile though it was more pain than sweet. However I decided it was time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and put together a new picture for my heart.
My task was seemingly insurmountable but with the support and encouragement of my compatriots even though I pretended I wasn't listening, it would seem some of it sunk in and letting the girl go became an unconscious priority. There seemed no point in dragging out my suffering, I was hurt beyond description, it seemed like life had screwed me over yet again and I thought I was on the downward spiral of depression. Life seemed meaningless and no I never contemplated suicide, that is in my opinion the cowards way out. No I mustered all the pragmatism and sensibility within me, prayed several heart wrenching prayers and pushed the girl out of my mind completely. Though obviously not as completely as I had hoped. I am human.
I won't say that I'm alright. I won't say that I'm back to being the person I was before I met her. Because I'm not. I've gone back to an old vice, picked up a new one and am more cynical than I've ever been. Without her I feel like a lesser person. Much like thinking you're complete until you're shown what you were missing. I won't say something boneheaded like I can't live without her, I won't say I need her. No, because I can live without her, I did it for 22years and I can keep doing it, though my life will be missing an essential colour. A flavour. It will be missing her.
Life is not fair, no one said it would be and you have no reason to expect it to be. We all have to play the hand we're dealt, lie in the bed we've made. Crying over it only seeks to drain you of your energy, making it that much harder to face the day ahead. I am here now at this point. I have learned to love her and not hurt as much as before. I've learned to be a friend, well as best as possible with what I have to work with. My heart is better, it still aches when I see her or think about her but I know it'll always do that. Much like breaking a bone, it heals with time but there will always be some pain especially on those cold rainy nights. And for me the rain hits closer to home than one may realise because she and I share a love for the rain or more accurately thunderstorms.
I suppose it appeals because both of us have such turbulent lives. We're both living storms.
As I said earlier letting her go was an unconscious priority and I surprised myself at how far I've gone. Now it's a conscious priority. I know I'll always love her. I can't deny that part of me. Once I love someone, I never stop.
My hope is that God sends me someone, someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I would love them, completely. Someone who would pick me. Someone who would be willing to sacrifice the world for me as I am willing for her. Not that I'd ever ask for it. No, this woman I love now and I never asked her to choose between me and her situation, between me and her life, between me and her friends. No I never did and I never would. No, I never asked her to choose me.
So to end it all. I'm not alright. I'm not fixed. I'm getting better and I learning to her let go. There is a smile on my face and for a change it's genuine. In a way I'm saying to my feelings about her "It was nice to know you, goodbye." I enjoyed hoping for her, I enjoyed the thoughts I had in my mind of her but now it's time to say goodbye to those thoughts and feelings. Time to put them away lest I miss out on all the other wonderful people in the world. And as for her and I whatever will be, will be may that be God's will.
The love remains, that will never end. And I have no regrets for that fact. None whatsoever. Though it saddens me that I will miss her kisses and her eyes. Indeed I will miss her kisses and those eyes. And her smell. And her hair. And her warmth. And her touch but I will miss her kisses and her loving eyes most of all.
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