the cyclic post

It has been sometimes since I've actually written out a proper post. I've been seeding this place with my silly poetry but none of my more literal thoughts. Either way I don't think anyone reads this crap and so I guess it doesn't really make much difference what I post.

With that bit of self-deprecation out of the way I'll move on to more substantial things. Turmoil has once again flooded my mind as it seems to do when the semester draws close to an end. Once again I feel like I'm bleeding out from a wound I cannot close, a wound that I've inflicted on myself. I'm clever like that and mildly masochistic. The curious who read this blog might wonder what that wound is, if you're looking for details you're out of luck because even I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is. All I know is this, I'm bleeding out and slowly drowning in a pool of my own bloody effluence with no life line in sight. A dramatic description I know but then again what would this blog be without its drama.

I feel stretched thin like the skin over a drum. Flayed and abuse, I've grown to see myself as a husk that houses an empty void inside. My mother would argue that is because I've abandon my faith and my God and have chosen to pursue nothingness. That might very well be the case, still I can't find it in me to want to have anything to do with God or church or faith. It would seem I lost that life and now my mind is too distorted to believe in it. I'm looking for something to spark in me a new fire but I guess I'm looking in the wrong place. All I really do is sigh about things without pro-actively changing anything.

Furthermore my head is in a bind, the details of which I won't disclose as I feel talking about them won't do me any good. Not in this space at least. This will have to suffice, I'm scared. So very scared of the choice I must make and what that may lead to. I can't make a mistake this time as it would cause more things to go wrong than already have. Generating more suffering into an already abundantly filled swirling vortex of entropy, one that looms before me. My mind is clouded and diffused. I don't know what I want. On the one hand I have an idea or a notion that I'm chasing and a fact that I'm trying to deny. My mind is terribly torn by what I know to be the truth and the lie I wish I could delude myself into believing. Time might resolve this conflict, it may not. The little part of me that enjoys a slice of irony hopes while the rest of me continues to struggle with my inner and stupid conflicts.

My hope is evanescent, a time numbered by my choices thus far. My future seems bleak as I cannot peer beyond the grey mist that has shroud my path. I cannot look beyond it and no light can seem to break through. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in the misery I have created and apportioned myself. There seems to be no high ground. Some days I'm utterly and totally depressed by how much I've allowed myself to fail. Which I suppose brings me to the crux of the matter, as I've written before of this recurring theme, I am my own worst enemy.

Some might tell me to stop wallowing in my own filth and pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with life. I would tell them they are right. Though being agreeable to that course of action does not then mean anything will be different lest that action be carried out. It would seem simple enough to do however I've yet to do it. My mother would say that I derive some satisfaction from being in the miserable state that I am in. I suppose she is not wrong, everyone wants to fix the troubled people and I guess I must on some level enjoy the attention. That is a sad realisation, a terribly sad realisation. I think something must be broken up inside my head for me to want to prolong the internal suffering I endure everyday by further creating situations in which I can suffer.

It would seem that I drive a wedge between myself and joy or happiness. Always looking to pursue things that cannot be while constantly neglecting that which can. I speak of course about my family, my friends and my studies. I even fear falling asleep because I'm trying to hold onto today and not have to face tomorrow. I want to live in yesterday but keep finding tomorrow creeping up on today. I try to blot out these thoughts with non-beneficial things like watching tv or reading but when I'm alone I can't escape my thoughts and it is my thoughts that do me in. I think if I could, I would think myself to death.

Now one might read this and think that everything is wrong with my life. Fact is this, it is not. My life is fine, it's not even that big of a mess. I have a myriad of simple solutions that would fix a great deal. This post is just my way of laying out what is bugging me and planning a course of action from there. I let you read my thoughts only so you can understand me further, not to burden you with the gravity of them. If you see yourself in my thoughts then I hope you make changes to better your situation so that you don't find yourself awake at 4.30 in the morning because of your insomnia randomly posting your banal thoughts on a public access journal.

Some days I feel so alone and that nobody could possibly understand me. Most days I'm wrong about that. In fact I think I'm wrong about a great many things. Don't tell anyone, I'd like them to believe that I know everything. It helps keep the illusion that I'm a fully functioning individual, not some factory reject with his thinking switch set to "stupid on LSD". You probably found that last bit amusing. See what I mean about knowing everything. It's true. Chuckle all you want.

And so while the general tone of this post has been far from light, I'm glad I put my thoughts down somewhere. You who read them may think less of me, I hope you don't because that was not the intent. No the real intention was this, that you could understand me a little more than you did about 10mins ago before you started reading this. In a way I've ensured that you'll think about me a little more and hopefully care an extra bit.

Now I must say goodbye but not for the last time, at least I hope not. It's curious how one never truly knows if it is a generic goodbye or the very last goodbye that has been uttered and we never stop to ponder the impact of what we've said or what we've heard, oh well such is life. As I see it, life is complex in its simplicity and quite ironic in its design. Goodbye.

without a sunrise

bleak is a morning without a sunrise,
with rain hammering down on softened ground,
to look out and find grey clouds and the world drowned,
in the sorrow of one man's tears,
as his mind contemplates the sum of all his fears,

the sun hides behind a shroud of rain clouds,
with the waters swallowing whole the accursed ground,
there is no warmth only a chill that lingers in his bones,
perhaps he is only losing his mind for crimes not atoned,
dead inside he knows he has lost his soul,

the darkened sky holds him in place,
broken and contrite in this the hour of his twilight,
he is on his back on the ground with the waters that surround,
unable to move his lungs are beginning to drown,
as his entire life like the rain comes falling down,

he is now cold and grey a lifeless piece of clay,
in a box on display for the people at his wake,
they shed tears for him who died beneath the weight of fear,
hidden behind sullen faces silently they cheer,
for him who is no longer here.

we are mankind

we are moments strung together on a string,
a string that holds us close and keeps on twisting,
twisting on into a sunrise of dreams,
dreams that this morning will bring,

we are you and i in art,
art abstract in its brilliant design,
design that no human mind can define,
define from its immaculate part,

we are moments strung together like beads,
beads of self contained dreams,
dreams we hold in our eyes,
eyes that see what the world can be,

we are you and i in sounds,
sounds of hearts beating as one,
one voice for all that hear,
hear us as our world turns inside out

we are moments you and i,
we are all mankind.

nothing more than stone

I once saw in the sky a light burning brighter than a candle at night, I had no idea what it could be only that it made see all the beauty around me. I ignored the beauty and tried to reach out to take the light from the sky. I wanted it for myself more than anything else, I craved for it everyday till I was nothing more than a soulless piece of clay. I sat and I schemed but nothing would come to me. So I just kept on looking to the sky as all around me people passed me by till I was nothing more than stone, sitting there all alone.

the needle and the escape

I’m sad and I’m all alone, I’m holed up in my little room,
I hear the voices on the streets,
But none of them are speaking to me,
That’s my life and no one ever notices me,

I walk down the street and eat at the places you eat,
Like everyone else I catch the bus, you’ll never hear me make a fuss,
Maybe that is why no one ever notices me,
Maybe that is why you’ll never notice me,

I come and go as I like with my head down, I never see the sky,
People never seem to see me pass them by,
But I don’t really care,
That no one ever stops to ask me about the frown I wear,

Because I have a place to hide,
A place where I don’t cry,
Alone in my little room I grab the needle that spells my doom,
And shoot up to find my dreams in colourful hues,

This little point, addictive and destructive,
That pierces my skin and takes me to a place deep within,
Where I can fly to places unknown,
And dream of things the world hasn’t sown,

With every hit I take a little part of me dies,
And you would think that would make me cry,
But I can’t tear when my mind is so unclear,
When reality and fiction I can no longer differ and life is nothing more than a whisper,

With time I slowly unravel, as the effect of the narcotics through my veins travels,
Soon they will put me in a box and cover me with gravel,
Every hit makes the sound of death roar louder,
Soon enough it will envelop me like a forest fire,

I wake up from the delirium, the euphoria of the hit still holding,
The reality of the danger forgotten,
My last shot I tell myself with a sorrowful sigh,
And go out to face another day beneath the sky,

Maybe when I overdose someone will find me,
Maybe when I’m gone someone will cry for me,
Maybe when I’m gone someone will notice,
I doubt but a small part of me hopes it.

I take the needle and the escape,
To ignore life and my mistakes,
To find a way to face another day,
I take the needle and the escape.

I wrote this for the MUISS Mad Monkey a couple of weeks ago

the vermin and the paladin

truth kept hidden by a lie,
the vermin and paladin juxtaposed,
we are all of us but broken bones,
healing within the fire of a tumultuous throne,

we are noble in our pain,
yet despicable in our fame,
this life our blight cannot contain,
though death is last thing we profane,

we live only to one day die,
though few believe that we can die to one day live,
life has struck us and pierced us like a shiv,
our bodies day by day escaping this mortal pit,

you are all of you vermin, i included,
this you may think the ravings of a mad man deluded,
none of you paladins, i and Charlemagne have concluded,
our strength is all but lost we are a species wounded,

the temptress and the thief

she tempts you with the apple divine,
an offering outstretched in her open palm,
she tells of a place sublime,
found in a taste of the apple's warmth,

she holds aloft time and space,
as her sway falls over your mind's array,
you quickly to her side pace,
to embrace this golden fruit's taste,

she tempts you with life and the chase,
an offering she smiled on her open face,
she tells you of her warm embrace,
as you take one more step towards the grave,

she tempts you with a smile,
with hidden motives all the while,
to steal from you, your inner child,
to take your innocence with her guile,

the temptress and the thief,
she is vanity and beauty, their villainous child,
for your heart she comes dagger sheathed,
this beautiful temptress and thief.

gender studies

I was extremely bored today and while surfing the web I came across this list of gender studies. Read on, hate if you want but the facts of the studies are as below.


Harvard University studies show that, when domestic differences arise, it's usually the spouse who does the most talking who gets his/her way.

A two-year study conducted at Stanford University demonstrated that, other factors being equal, men are as much as 50 percent more proficient than women in solving complicated problems.

Studies conducted by University of Southern California psychologists show that women are more subject to feeling depressed and ''down in the dumps'' than men.

Authorities find that the average woman requires appreciably more sleep than the average men.

Psychological studies show conclusively that, while emergencies tend to upset a woman more, in a real crisis she is likely to remain calmer than the average male.

Leading university studies show that women are far more finicky about what they eat than men.

Psychologists have found that women are more self-centered. They have fewer outside interest than men, are more preoccupied with personal concerns and problems.

The American Institute of Family Relations, after careful evaluation of surveys, found- ''Contrary to tradition it is not the wife's mother but the husband's mother who is the most frequent troublemaker.''

University of Minnesota investigators found that women discussed men far more often than men discussed women. Women talked about men more often than about any other subject- except other women. Men's conversations were more frequently devoted to business, money, other men- and then women.

Veterans Administration psychologist Richard C. Cowden made an intensive study of married couples, subjected each husband and wife to test designed to reveal their knowledge and understanding of the other's personality. Husbands had far better insight into their wives' character and were able to predict much more accurately how they would react under specific conditions.

We can hear the women's protests- ''Hah! You should see my husband when he has a cold!'' Nevertheless, in a study of over 5000 men and women, sponsored by the Veteran Administration and Cornell University Medical College, it was found that women had a far greater tendency to exaggerate virtually all types of complaints and ailments.

Psychological tests at De Paul University showed that though women were no less evasive than men, where outright lies were concerned, men led the field.

Studies show that women tend to be attracted to men they can look up to intellectually. Men, on the other hand, tend to shy away from women who have more brains than they do. This doesn't mean that men are superior in general intelligence, but that men tend to ''marry down'' and women tend to ''marry up.''

Studies conducted by sociologists at the University of Southern California show that men have much more difficulty in adjusting happily to a second marriage than women. Divorced men tend to become more ''set in their ways,'' less willing to compromise, and to expect their next marriage partners to do most of the adjusting.

Professor Leona F. Tyler, psychologist at the University of Oregon, evaluating the findings of leading scientific investigators, found the female begins to out-talk the male shortly after infancy. She talks more readily, longer and faster. But it is in verbal fluency, rather than in the grasp of verbal meanings, that females are superior.

Studies show that men are more restless by temperament than women and much more easily bored by repetitive action. They lack women's capacity to adjust to monotonous conditions. Possibly one reason women are less bored by monotony is that they are more given to introspection and daydreaming.

Numerous psychological studies on reaction time show that when a man's senses warn him of approaching danger, he reacts much faster than the average woman.

Studies show that women not only have a greater capacity for happiness than men, but also for unhappiness according to psychologist Lewis M. Terman at Stanford University, ''Women experience the extremes of marital happiness and unhappiness more keenly than their husbands.''