It has been sometimes since I've actually written out a proper post. I've been seeding this place with my silly poetry but none of my more literal thoughts. Either way I don't think anyone reads this crap and so I guess it doesn't really make much difference what I post.
With that bit of self-deprecation out of the way I'll move on to more substantial things. Turmoil has once again flooded my mind as it seems to do when the semester draws close to an end. Once again I feel like I'm bleeding out from a wound I cannot close, a wound that I've inflicted on myself. I'm clever like that and mildly masochistic. The curious who read this blog might wonder what that wound is, if you're looking for details you're out of luck because even I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is. All I know is this, I'm bleeding out and slowly drowning in a pool of my own bloody effluence with no life line in sight. A dramatic description I know but then again what would this blog be without its drama.
I feel stretched thin like the skin over a drum. Flayed and abuse, I've grown to see myself as a husk that houses an empty void inside. My mother would argue that is because I've abandon my faith and my God and have chosen to pursue nothingness. That might very well be the case, still I can't find it in me to want to have anything to do with God or church or faith. It would seem I lost that life and now my mind is too distorted to believe in it. I'm looking for something to spark in me a new fire but I guess I'm looking in the wrong place. All I really do is sigh about things without pro-actively changing anything.
Furthermore my head is in a bind, the details of which I won't disclose as I feel talking about them won't do me any good. Not in this space at least. This will have to suffice, I'm scared. So very scared of the choice I must make and what that may lead to. I can't make a mistake this time as it would cause more things to go wrong than already have. Generating more suffering into an already abundantly filled swirling vortex of entropy, one that looms before me. My mind is clouded and diffused. I don't know what I want. On the one hand I have an idea or a notion that I'm chasing and a fact that I'm trying to deny. My mind is terribly torn by what I know to be the truth and the lie I wish I could delude myself into believing. Time might resolve this conflict, it may not. The little part of me that enjoys a slice of irony hopes while the rest of me continues to struggle with my inner and stupid conflicts.
My hope is evanescent, a time numbered by my choices thus far. My future seems bleak as I cannot peer beyond the grey mist that has shroud my path. I cannot look beyond it and no light can seem to break through. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in the misery I have created and apportioned myself. There seems to be no high ground. Some days I'm utterly and totally depressed by how much I've allowed myself to fail. Which I suppose brings me to the crux of the matter, as I've written before of this recurring theme, I am my own worst enemy.
Some might tell me to stop wallowing in my own filth and pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with life. I would tell them they are right. Though being agreeable to that course of action does not then mean anything will be different lest that action be carried out. It would seem simple enough to do however I've yet to do it. My mother would say that I derive some satisfaction from being in the miserable state that I am in. I suppose she is not wrong, everyone wants to fix the troubled people and I guess I must on some level enjoy the attention. That is a sad realisation, a terribly sad realisation. I think something must be broken up inside my head for me to want to prolong the internal suffering I endure everyday by further creating situations in which I can suffer.
It would seem that I drive a wedge between myself and joy or happiness. Always looking to pursue things that cannot be while constantly neglecting that which can. I speak of course about my family, my friends and my studies. I even fear falling asleep because I'm trying to hold onto today and not have to face tomorrow. I want to live in yesterday but keep finding tomorrow creeping up on today. I try to blot out these thoughts with non-beneficial things like watching tv or reading but when I'm alone I can't escape my thoughts and it is my thoughts that do me in. I think if I could, I would think myself to death.
Now one might read this and think that everything is wrong with my life. Fact is this, it is not. My life is fine, it's not even that big of a mess. I have a myriad of simple solutions that would fix a great deal. This post is just my way of laying out what is bugging me and planning a course of action from there. I let you read my thoughts only so you can understand me further, not to burden you with the gravity of them. If you see yourself in my thoughts then I hope you make changes to better your situation so that you don't find yourself awake at 4.30 in the morning because of your insomnia randomly posting your banal thoughts on a public access journal.
Some days I feel so alone and that nobody could possibly understand me. Most days I'm wrong about that. In fact I think I'm wrong about a great many things. Don't tell anyone, I'd like them to believe that I know everything. It helps keep the illusion that I'm a fully functioning individual, not some factory reject with his thinking switch set to "stupid on LSD". You probably found that last bit amusing. See what I mean about knowing everything. It's true. Chuckle all you want.
And so while the general tone of this post has been far from light, I'm glad I put my thoughts down somewhere. You who read them may think less of me, I hope you don't because that was not the intent. No the real intention was this, that you could understand me a little more than you did about 10mins ago before you started reading this. In a way I've ensured that you'll think about me a little more and hopefully care an extra bit.
Now I must say goodbye but not for the last time, at least I hope not. It's curious how one never truly knows if it is a generic goodbye or the very last goodbye that has been uttered and we never stop to ponder the impact of what we've said or what we've heard, oh well such is life. As I see it, life is complex in its simplicity and quite ironic in its design. Goodbye.
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