my friend "minimus"

I've decided to do a series of posts on my very colourful friends and their very quirky ways and how that makes my days complete. Be they the building blocks of the day or the icing on the proverbial cake. I start with the last person I spoke with online tonight and the rest shall proceed in no particular order.

This friend is a funny bunny, a goofy girl and has a case of selective herpetophobia lizardsaurus minimus or so I've pronounced it as such. More importantly she makes me happy, makes me smile.

First things first, herpetophobia is the fear of reptiles and while she's only afraid of your everyday garden variety lizard or gecko I've decided her reaction to the presence of a lizard should be given it's own name hence selective herpetophobia lizardsaurus minimus. Thus providing me a new nickname for her "Minimus". I use it with all the affection I can muster.

I met her sometime at the beginning of the previous semester, one of those random occurrences or perhaps not, owing to the fact that God works in mysterious ways. I know she'll get a kick out of that line.

While the meeting of two people is not necessarily the kick off for a friendship and I personally count the start of our friendship as being the day we were stuck at a bus stop while the rain fell all around us. It was a good day. I love the rain and so does she. It made for good conversation time. From their our friendship has progressed and strengthened and only proceeds to get stronger.

A running joke between us is the naming of "our" children. Why this joke? I have no idea where it started, might be that one time we had a talk about her biological clock counting down and I being the gentleman that I am stepped up and offered my services in an effort to save the species. Doing my part to ensure the continued survival of the human race. I think. I might be wrong. On another note none of the names I come up with are ever right for "our" kids. Women! Gah! Haha.

The women is nuts. I swear it's a good thing. It's an awesome thing. When I'm down, she makes me smile, when I'm out of touch, she reconnects me. I've no complaints on the nuttiness that ensues. We have the most brilliant chats about everything and nothing and we share the same great taste in music. Well almost, some of my music is more awesome. No one is perfect.

I don't know where life will take us but I'm glad I met her. I love her as I do all my friends.

Here is to you minimus.

More friends to come.

the kill - 30 seconds to mars

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

stormtrooper

art in me - jars of clay

Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
And you plead to everyone, "see the art in me"

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
And you plead to everyone, "see the art in me

goodbye, goodnight - jars of clay

A flower for your vanity, a penny for your thoughts
About the worlds insanity and how weve gotten lost
Strike up the band to play a song as we go waltzing by
And fake a smile as we all say goodbye

Goodbye, oh goodbye

Say a prayer for recognition, kiss the ones you love
Gather up the ammunition, sigh for all the lost
Strike up the band to play a song as we go waltzing by
And fake a smile as we all say goodbye

Raise a glass for ignorance, drink a toast to fear
The beginning of the end has come thats why we all are here
Strike up the band to play a song and try hard not to cry
And fake a smile as we all say goodbye
Goodbye

my suicide note

Note: Before you read this understand that I am not suicidal, that this is a work of fiction, that I am in a bad mood and that I am very bored.

To the person who reads this,

I took my life today and the world probably did not notice that fact till you found my corpse with this note by my side. Still even with the knowledge of my passing the world will not be moved with sorrow, it will not mourn my loss, it will continue to spin as it always has and after my body has been cremated everyone who attended my funeral will go on with their lives. Let that be a lesson to you, no one really cares and the truth be told no one is obliged to.

To my mother, I'm sorry I was never the son I should have been and once again I fail you because I shall never be able to be that person. You always made things right, you always mended my heart and set me straight but not this time, I've done something no one can fix. I pray your heart mends soon, my sister and father will need you more than ever. My father especially. I love you and in death I will still love you wherever I may be.

To my father, I will never be the man I could have been, soon I shall be nothing more than the ash that lines your ashtray. My passing will lighten the load and my sister's future is now secure. I won't be around to argue with you and to test your patience. Perhaps my sister will benefit from the extra patience you can give her. I love you pap, I'm sorry I wasted so much and now have amounted to so little.

To my sister, you are special and I know that in life I never told you just how special you are. I know I gave you a hard time and I said things that put you down. Looking back on those things now I realise that I was always jealous at how much better you had things. Smarter, faster, better looking you are everything I wish I could have been. Do not let this stop you from achieving the greatness that was meant for you. At least I will have one less thing to envy about you in death. I love you and I will miss you.

To my friends, you made my daily life bearable, some of you were the building blocks of my day and others the icing on the cake. You all had your part to play in keeping me around but now I'm too far into myself to be enticed by your beauty and your friendship. This is where I end our journey together, this is where I say goodbye.

Dear reader no one, not one of you could have done anything to save me. Because I never wanted to save myself. I took my life not because I was afraid of the future but because I could see no future, I took my life not because I have no reason to live but the reasons I have weren't enough, I took my life because I couldn't face another day being me. I love you all more than anything and there in lies the problem, I have no more love left for myself. Fear not, none of you shall have to see me suffer in the place I'm going to, hell is not for any of you. Goodbye.

Yours sincerely,
Tristan D.

why do i bother?

I do not know hence the question. Like duh!

The question you should be asking yourself is "what shouldn't he bother with?"

And the answer to that is everything. Indeed.

I don't know why I do half the things I do. The nice things for the less enlightened.

I should just be the arsehole I was born to be.

Feelings are such trifle things, being an arsehole would enable me to not care if I hurt them. Being nice means I've got tell you I'm ok when really all I want to do is go back to bed. Or say fuck the world.

Being an arsehole will also get me scores of women or so I'm told. Being nice surely hasn't done the trick.

Being an arsehole will let me cut that other arsehole off on the road without my conscience getting in the way. Being nice gets you nowhere at best and at worse cut off by that arsehole without a conscience.

Being an arsehole gets you free shit and allows you to talk down to people. Being nice gets you talked down at and your shit taken from you.

Being an arsehole, I wouldn't ask myself why I bother, because I wouldn't bother and then I wouldn't have anything to be bother about.

Fuck! I should be an arsehole! I'd fucking rock! I'd be able to say shit like fuck those fuck fucking fuckers!

Arseholes unite! For the record that does not mean I'm anal retentive. Butt you get the point.

Heck being nice sucks fucking balls.

See being an arsehole allows me to use gratuitous amounts of profanity without anyone being able to say jack shit about it. Being nice means I've got to keep in mind what people think of me. I say fuck you! I guess I've already become an arsehole.

Now I can go on with my life not giving a shit about anyone or anything. Thus not being bothered.

And as part of my induction into the brotherhood of being an arsehole I say that I hate you, your family, your dog, those kids from down the street and most of all I hate the fish, oh how I loathe the fish!

Hail to the king baby! Fuck yeah!

dean martin - you're nobody till somebody loves you

You're nobody 'til somebody loves you
You're nobody 'til somebody cares.
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold,
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody to love.

The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, find yourself somebody,
Find yourself somebody to love.

dirty hungarian phrasebook - monty python

no my dear you aren't perfect

You aren't perfect my dear and that is why He loves you. That is why I love you.

A friend and I discuss the perfect example of being a Christian, she tells me she's definitely not a good example of a Christian, I ask her when did she become perfect? I tell her, I remember her being human and trying and that is what counts. I say the only perfect example is Christ, she concurs.

We are trying to emulate a life that is completely foreign to our nature, some of us are closer than others. I reckon I'm pretty far behind and she is way ahead, I still try though.

We talk about God and his work, I think no one can truly stand in the way of God's work, except us with His work in our lives. We are the measure of the success or failure for the plans He has for us. We decide whether or not God's plan for us comes to pass.

If I make myself immovable then God cannot use me. But He can still move me out of the way so that someone else may benefit from His grace and His plan. Some days I fear that has already happened to me. Much like the branch of the tree that doesn't bear fruit must be removed so that the rest of the tree maybe preserved, I fear I have been cut away. It's lonely without Him. Though it does also say in the bible that just as it can be cut away, it can also be reattached, graphed back onto the tree.

Though I think it's the flaws in us and how God helps us to overcome them that makes us useful to Him. If we were perfect to start with we would have no stories to tell of how we were refined, our ministry would be without substance and we would never be able to reach out. The bible talks about God putting us through the refiner's fire to make us pure gold, so that we may be set apart to do His will. The strife we go through makes us into what we need to be in order to accomplish what is needed of us.

So no my dear you aren't perfect but that is what makes you perfect for Him.

Completely perfect imperfection. Now it's your turn to write.

a sad clown

i tear and i don't know why,
i let out this long sigh,
i look to see,
and i know that it will never be,

i am foolhardy to believe,
naive to think it true,
it was never meant to be,
and now i can see,

one cannot make what doesn't exist,
to hope is to live in vain,
a price i have paid,
and now i lay it all in the grave,

the painted smile gone,
tears the only mark on my face,
laugh at the fool now,
i the court jester down,

i open my eyes one last time,
to see the beauty i thought mine,
i tear and i know why,
i simply sigh as the light slowly dies,

kiss the rain - billie myers

be thou my vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

you and i - the scorpions

pictures

"Who are you?" A question that I ask myself when I look in the mirror and at one point I knew the answer to the question, I once knew who I was. Today I can barely recognise the eyes staring back at me. Who am I?

When I close my eyes, I find myself walking down a poorly lit hallway lined with pictures forming a collage that depicts what I think is supposed to be my life but I can't recognise the person in the pictures. The pictures are unfocused, scarred, incomplete. I can make no sense of what I see.

I see pain in one picture, sadness in another, revenge, anger, they are all pictures. I see joy, happiness. I see love. But that is the most scarred picture of them all. Tattered. Torn. A picture of loneliness.

Who am I? Do you know?

rage

The rage rises in my blood once again,
The hatred pounding in my skull once again,
The bloodlust returns, a broken soul's vengeance,
The abomination is taking control, I'm helpless again

I can taste hate's bitterness in my mouth,
I can feel its excitement as the cycle begins again,
I can feel the pressure in my head build as it asserts itself again,
My every fibre burns with hatred for you,

You ask me why? I answer,
You opened the flood gates,
You ask me how? I answer,
I loved you; you could not see it,

Now I loathe your presence,
Now I will cut your cancer from my heart,
Now the demon long buried returns,
Now this pain must die,

You must die, my bloodlust assuaged,
I must die; sins price my soul's suicide,
And I will laugh over your grave,
And I will cry over your grave,

Then there will be silence.

Note: In light of my more macabre posts, I've decided to dig one more up from my former self.

pain

i strike you down with my fist,
bleed my knuckles for you,
the skin split from the hit,
i relish the pain,

insolent creature unworthy of my time,
still in this undertaking i am exacting,
inflicting pain for you to learn,
understand that i rule over you,

against your face i rest my heel,
your humiliation complete,
you cry for mercy, plead to my humanity,
i laugh at your frailty,

humanity like morality a concept laughable,
manufactured by years of conditioning,
the world a slave to it submitting,
our ability to think eviscerating,

there is no mercy,
there is no humanity,
there is only pain,
there is only suffering,

pain clears us,
pain shapes us,
pain teaches us,
pain loves us,

we seek it,
we adore it,
we loathe it,
we make it,

yesterday foretold,
today brings you pain,
tomorrow will bring more,
a cycle that cannot end,

frigid

I am barely awake, drifting in and out of sleep. One foot in the waking world and the other in the dream scape, I hear the rain failing in the distance, I think it's rain. I barely register the flash then a loud crack and I'm stirred from my restless slumber, I take a moment to look around, it's dark and the room is featureless, where am I?

The night is cold and the rain is failing hard, there is a bitter taste in my mouth and a burning at the back of my head. I try to shake it off but the feeling remains. My hands are numb and my arms are heavy. Why? My body is unclothed.

I force myself up, the intensity of the burning increases tenfold and the room starts to spin. The pain forces me to my knees. I steady myself. The pain makes me feel sick, I retch but nothing comes out. The room keeps spinning but slower now, I'm dizzy. I muster all my resolve to stand to my feet. My legs are weak but slowly I stand up.

I see a door. I reach for it but not to open, to lean. I catch my breath, my knees almost give way again. I hold the handle, it's my only comfort. Slowly I turn the handle or did the handle turn itself? I don't know. I don't know. The door opens outwards and peer slowly out into darkness, I see the outline of a table and on it, something glinting, a shape I know. I am filled with dread. I push the door open and make my way slowly across the room to the table.

A knife! No not a knife, the handle is made of steel just like the blade, all one piece. A surgical instrument. A scalpel. I pick it up and it is suddenly familiar to me. The handle is cold against my skin. I run the blade gently down my chest, it leaves a line. It's still sharp. In the back of my mind someone says "Good, this will do". A stranger's voice and yet vaguely familiar. Another flash and the room is illuminated. In that instant I know I'm not alone. I saw her. Moving in the corner of the room. I think I saw her. Long hair, naked. I think I saw her. Who is she?

A giggle from where I saw her sends a shiver down my spine. I call out but with no voice. I hold the blade aside, ready to strike. My knees give way and I fall to the ground the pain is far worse. I hear it, movement. I perceive it. She's coming at me. She's moving quick. And when she's just upon me, I grab the blade and thrust upwards. I catch her square in the chest. I feel a warmth flow over my hands and hear a gasp escape her lips. I let go of the blade as she falls to the floor.

I lie there. I hear sobs coming from beside me. She's still alive. I push myself up and to look at my attackers face. I pull her close and slowly my eyes see hers. They are beautifully unfocused, dark eyes, tears in the corner. A fire barely there. I trace my hand over her face and it's all familiar. Who is she? Another flash and I see her complete. I know her. Oh my God what have I done. What have I done? Not her. Not her. What have I done. Tears are streaming down my face. My hands are shaking. Her eyes finally focus and they lock with mine. Her lips move the sound barely a whisper "I love you" and as the words escape her, the fire goes out in her eyes and all the warmth escapes her body.

The room is frigid. The voice comes to me again saying "Well done, there are more to come".

duality

I will crush you; my every fiber, my will bears down for the kill,

I will destroy you; your life is not worth the sand beneath my feet

I will finish you; death is your only solace now

I will feel no remorse; you deserve no further emotion

I hate you; these things you now must suffer

I am this raging fury, a burning inferno,

I am death’s hand, your soul’s devourer,

I am persecution, the whip that bleeds your back,

I am oppression, the weight upon your shoulder,

I am suffocation, the tightness you clutch at your chest,

I am reality, I am illusion,

I am night as surely as I am day,

I am a two sided coin of mirrored misery, I am duality

Note: I wrote this along time ago, it holds within it an anger I no longer feel but it once was real.

pathology

I see you scurrying about day to day,
From the shadows I observe,
For nought it serves,
All meaningless I say,

Insects, rodents and all manner of banal things,
You are all hopelessly caught up in the fray,
To see why you tick,
Maybe I should alleviate your pain,

I will dissect you piece by piece,
My scalpel cutting deep,
Piercing skin and flesh and bone,
Taking you apart, watching you bleed,

I shall prod and poke,
Till my inquiry is complete,
Consume you till I've had my fill,
Then discard you like filth beneath my feet,

From behind my mask I will smile,
While the people cheer,
As I pick the next one to die,
I can hear them say "Opus Dei"

Note: Opus Dei in this context is not a reference to the religious body affiliated to the catholic church. It means work of God in Latin.

depression

For the record I would like to state that I am not depressed. At least I believe that I am not.

Why bring this up?

Because I've had no end of grief from the people I'm closest to as they speculate my state of mind. It's depressing to be told that people think you're depressed. Especially when you believe you aren't. And really even if I am depressed, it's not like I'm suicidal.

I am not always a happy person. I realise that. So sue me.

Some mornings I wake up and just want to go back to bed and of late that's what I've been feeling. I get like this at the end of every semester. It's probably because I feel everything is spinning faster and faster and maybe even spiralling out of control. My apathy towards everything makes me feel worse for it. So some mornings when I wake up, I wake up and get hit by a big wave of how crappy things are. Some morning I just don't feel like being happy.

My insomnia robs me of a peaceful night's sleep. My nightmares rob me of a peaceful night's sleep.

Do you realise how miserable it is to be told you're depressed? By people you love?

I'm rambling. I'm rambling. RAMBLING!

Rambling here,
Words tripping on my lips,
Stammering the restless tongue,
I silence it with a blade,

Glossy they are reflecting sadness in my eyes,
They hiding a deeper sorrow inside,
Empty, hollow like starving children,
Reflecting but portraying not of the extent within,

The fire extinguishes for a soul gone cold
As my life plummets out of control,
The only fire left is on the end of a stick,
I light it up to find oblivion of self within my grip,

No reprieve, no repose from the wave I'm caught in,
Drowning, lungs screaming as I mutilate myself from within,
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning,
With my eyes I'm screaming, the silence of it deafening,

Maybe you're listening when you see,
But your words only serve to hurt me,
I am failed can't you see,
I am a product of my own idiocy,

So maybe I'm depressed but telling me I am is not helping.

On a lighter note, I had lunch with Shazeea which was fun more for the conversations we have till the subject of my supposed depression came up but that was Shaneil's fault. Also it was Romi's birthday today and Sader came dressed most smashingly, that brightened up my rather quiet day. Brighten being a literal and metaphorical mode here. We had coffee, the three of us, talked, made much merriment with our banana chocolate chip cupcake at the starbucks in pyramid. The cupcake was Romi's "birthday cake". And we had lollies for candles, I got a cola one. Yay me!

I was quiet at dinner with Yasir and the others but yeah I get like that. It just means I'm elsewhere. Not because being elsewhere is more important or that being here is less important. I just am elsewhere. Sometimes I don't know how to get back.

And thus ends my rather random and seemingly depressing post.

Ice cream anyone?

more monty python

while none of this is my own monty python madness thanks to sader continues to rush about my head

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

random things

sader and i talk Monty Python today,

a little dialogue regarding the holy hand grenade of Antioch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu...

"skip a bit brother"

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen

this post is pointless

as are most things i do but i still do them, though today was not as pointless as this post, i enjoyed it immensely, it was a sleepy day and i haven't had a good sleepy day in such a long time.

what is a sleepy day?

well it's a day where i get nothing by the world's standards done, nothing tangible accomplished, it's a day where i lie on my bed staring at the ceiling with another person next to me and talk about everything and nothing.

today's was especially good because it's been ages since i've had company on a sleepy day and the ability to have someone to share a completely unproductive day with was amazing.

this sleepy day was different from the ones before, i left my home in the morning met the other person, went for lunch, had coffee and then only got home to space out.

as with all my sleepy days, they're never planned, they just happen and the conversations are always awesome.

i'm glad i had today.

and sometimes i get bored

If I shot the sheriff, I wouldn't write a song about it let alone talk about the deputy.

If I thought the sky was falling, the only thing I'd be shouting is "move bitches get out the way, I gotta find me a cave"

If I was in the happening, I would have acted better than Mark Wahlberg and those bloody trees would have been shitting acorns.

If I was a director, I would have taught the guy who filmed cloverfield how to steady the camera, also I would have actually had some cloves in the movie, also I would have had an actual plot and the chick would have died from her wounds before the bomb blew them up.

If I was on a planet full of apes, I would bring some bananas with me.

If I was darwin, I would have had a pet beagle aboard the HMS Beagle

echoes, silence, patience, grace - an anarchist's view

I scribbled a version of this on Shazeea's facebook wall. I was proud of it and so at 4am I'm awake adding to it for my blog.

Between the poignant and morose echoes of the past ever fading from our memories and the eerie silence of an ominous tomorrow, we live with our eyes clothed in a translucent film of guile, convincing ourselves of a certainty in today and the seconds that have passed with no inkling of the second to come.

What then can be said of our patience? Save that it is an imposed device for we have no means to alter the time it takes for the second to passes us by. Patience is not resolve, it's how we resign ourselves to our fate. There is no beauty in this mechanism, no charm in this construct. Grace is a farce.

the nicene creed

A summary of my faith, the Nicene Creed. It took the council of Nicea 3 months to agree on the first sentence alone. Much thought was put into its writing. It is a work of art. The translation from Greek/Latin that I have chosen is from the Anglican Communion book of common prayer of 1662. It is a version that I've said in church for years as an affirmation of my faith. I lack the intellect to have ever been able to construct so amazing a creed or summary of the Christian faith. I wanted to share it with you.

I believe in one God the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth,
And of all things visible and invisible:

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God,
Begotten of his Father before all worlds,
God of God, Light of Light,
Very God of very God,
Begotten, not made,
Being of one substance with the Father,
By whom all things were made;
Who for us men, and for our salvation came down from heaven,
And was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the Virgin Mary,
And was made man,
And was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate.
He suffered and was buried,
And the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures,
And ascended into heaven,
And sitteth on the right hand of the Father.
And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead:
Whose kingdom shall have no end.

And I believe in the Holy Ghost,
The Lord and giver of life,
Who proceedeth from the Father and the Son,
Who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified,
Who spake by the Prophets.
And I believe one Catholic and Apostolic Church.
I acknowledge one Baptism for the remission of sins.
And I look for the Resurrection of the dead,
And the life of the world to come.
Amen.

who we are

We are who we are because we choose to be,
I am who I am because I choose to be, the same can be said of you,
You are more than the sum of your parts,
More than this shell of crude flesh,
You are beautiful you need only choose to be so.

I have seen you, I have seen beneath the shroud
And I know you are good,
I know you are beautiful,
Products of nature, products of nurture it matters not,
choice is always within your grasp.

sophism: "i love you"

Sophism: A plausible but fallacious argument. An example, I love you.

Over the last couple of years, I have come to believe that people have made "I love you" a specious statement. One whose argument has become a fallacy, for more often then not when a person says "I love you" they invariably mean "please love me". And in most cases there is no "please", it just reads "love me!".

Why so jaded you might ask? Why so cynical?

I've heard this particular exchange of words so often and then rescinded at the first sign of trouble, it has made me question how genuine the love was in the first place and I've come to despise those words for the most part believing that we say it selfishly to incite a similar and favourable response from the other person. After all everyone wants to believe that they are loved.

However before I go any further, I would like to say that I do believe there are people who genuinely exchange these words in order to open a conduit to an actual feeling inside, opening up to another human being hoping, without expecting to be loved in return. Loving because of what you can do for the other person, not because of what they can do for you. I've witnessed such exchanges first hand rare as they may be.

Still my cynicism tells me that particular unselfish love hardly exists in the world today. Maybe I write this because I believe I am not capable of selfless love and therefore am projecting my inability on the populace at large. I don't think so. Most who know me, know otherwise.

So what makes me the supreme authority on all things human?

I reckon I'm human and that should give me some credibility. I don't think myself the supreme authority on anything with exception of bitter sweet chocolate of which I believe myself to be a connoisseur. Yes indeed bitter sweet chocolate I love. Back to the topic at hand, it's like someone close to me said, I observe a great many things and observing people is one of my favourite pastimes.

Am I condemning people?

Yes. If each person saying the words believes the other person then there can exist a fostered love. A love nurtured on falsity and like all things based on a lie, it can and most probably will fall through. My condemnation rests on our inability to give of ourselves. We may put it down to being only human, our excuse for all our failings. However I know we are all more than capable of loving unselfishly, we're just afraid and we're afraid because deep down we're all just bit a cynical and we're all just a bit wary & weary of the other person.

mortality: God's gift to humanity

Immortality

If you could, would you live forever?

I don't think I would.

I believe it is our frailty, our mortality that makes us beautiful. The very fact that every second that passes us by is a second closer to our death makes the next second to come even more precious than the one that passed. I realize that sounds depressing and it is if you only focus on death and if you fear it. I believe because our time on earth is numbered it makes the smile on the face in front of you or the laugh of the person beside you or simply the eyes of the person across the hall from you all that more amazing to behold.

So it would seem to me that immortality on earth would only cheapen the experience. The smile, the laugh, the eyes would all be so banal. Losing all charm and what would be the point of living if everything around you lost its flavor. What then? I believe mortality is God's gift to us. We really should learn to cherish the time we've been allotted and make the most of the smiles and the laughs and people that are sent our way. I am learning to do that.

I'm continually star struck by how amazing some the people I meet are. Their little quirks and idiosyncrasies making them more than the sum their parts. These fascinating people are usually more aware of the world around them. They are not the stereotypes. In a world of the mundane, they see newness. I find them utterly fascinating. Maybe they see life like me. Maybe I'm more aware of the world around me.

I have these people in my heart. I hope I'm in theirs.

back on track

I'm glad to report, I'm back on track.

Well almost, now that the ball is over and I've regained a measure of my former self, I'm hitting the grindstone tomorrow and getting up to speed on uni work.

If i manage to get myself up to speed tomorrow, I'll be complete back on track if not, well I'll be a lot closer than I've been for a while.

Goodnight world. I love you!

euphoria

the bass was pumping,
she was grooving,
eyes closed as she moved,
her body to the beat entrancing,

the dance floor was hers,
she turned heads,
i could only smile,
she had the room spinning,

the bass was pumping,
hearts were thumping,
to the rhythm we were swaying,
ours was euphoria,

good times, good people

THE MONASH BALL

Was bloody tiring, my feet still ache as I'm typing this. It was a pot load of fun. I had a ball at the ball. Manil did a really good job organizing it. There were a couple of hitches but they weren't his fault. My security personnel were in top form. Brilliant chaps. The day started for me at about 12pm, I was at the ball helping with last minute things, got home around 2pm got into my suit and was back at the ball by 4pm. Left the ball around 11.30pm and headed for MOS.

As for the ladies, well I spent the evening with two very different, very awesome individuals. For the most part of the ball I spent my time with Shazeea. Boy can this lady dance and with a very nice set of hips at that. When the dance floor opened that's where I was, dancing the night away with Shaz. She had to leave early and couldn't join us at MOS, I escorted her to her car and that was the end of that.

The other lady that I spent my evening with was a certain Alexandra Sader, who thought it would be hilarious to give me kissy marks on my cheeks and forehead. I blushed, a little. I'm not complaining, one does not complain when a pretty girl gives you a kiss on the cheek. We spent our time at MOS talking about, well a great many things, we drank, we danced and when it was time to leave, I made sure she and her friend got into a cab and that they got home safely. My night ended at 3.30am.

All in all, I had a good time with very good people.

It was fun to see Yasir let loose and have a drink, get his groove on. It was even funnier to see Darren quite pickled as well as other friends of mine in the VIP area. It was awesome to see admin staff at MOS. The bass was pumping, Sader and I were moving to the beat, it was all very sweet.

A count on the drinks: 17shots of whiskey (I think, I lost count after a while) and a beer, some ice and coke, a lot of water, some sweat. Thanks to my huge liver, I remained sober.

A count for the love: Many hugs from pretty women, most notably Shazeea, Naime, Alexandra(hugs and kisses) hehe. Yeah it was a good night and I'm a lucky boy.

I walked away from last night a happier man than I've been in ages. I was with good friends, Kelvin, Usman, Ikmal, Ashwin, Yasir, Darren, Manil and there are just too many people to name but they were all awesome to be around. Companionship that only required their presence to enjoy.

I cut the last strings holding me back last night and I feel free again. Hello world, Tristan is back.

machination

machination

i like the word, it means "A crafty scheme or cunning design for the accomplishment of a sinister end.", rarely used but aptly describes so many people and the things they do. I'm a schemer.

Why bring this up? No particular reason, i just really like the word and i thought i would share it with the people who read my blog.

Moving on.

As always I'm trying to avoid writing about anything of consequence as I do not feel that I have anything of consequence to say. That which matters, matters very little to me at the moment.

I can say that I'm utterly thrilled that Anwar Ibrahim is running in the by-election that is being held in Permatang Pauh and that at this moment in time is leading. Winds of change? Change for the better I hope.

Moving on.

My days are long but filled with very little. A self constructed situation. I will admit that I'm missing her. I'm missing her very much but she'll not know because she doesn't frequent my blog and the words won't escape my lips without good reason. We're strangers almost. It's sad.

Moving on.

Many ideas fill my head, though not much sense can be made of them. Confusion the in process of the thought diffusion. Everything seems like an illusion. Dreamlike quality in every day. It never seems to hit me.

Moving on.

I don't know where i'm moving to next. I just don't know.

a frosted perception

a frosted perception is all that i have,
as i peer through this window pane,
a view skewed by light refracted,
as it passes these icy veins,

over the imagery presented i muse,
what do i see? what can it be?
using all my logic on a view so caustic,
so very little i deduce,

a tombstone, i think i see a grave,
is it death i crave?
blissful rest of the certain dead,
am i that depraved?

a severed heart still beating,
the pulse, a placating rhythm,
defiant and still trenchant,
even with the grave surrounding,

in the distance i hear weeping,
and over it a mordacious commentary,
the content of it a diary read out,
this person's life a warning to heed,

of all this i can make no sense,
i think the cold has got to me,
i shiver, i can muse no more,
the future perhaps i've seen,

hopeless, perhaps i'm only dreaming,
pleasing in the view was one thing,
something small, like a feeling,
it sparked in me curiosity,

a box, an interesting visage adorning it,
i like her face, i think i care for her somehow,
a name written on the side, pandora it says,
maybe i should enter and open it,

something nags at me not to,
a future or doom lie in the closed box perhaps?,
curiosity gives me a reason to continue,
should i? which will this box bring me?

and now for something different

So putting matters of the heart aside (in which no pragmatism can possibly exist.). I have decided to write about nothing of consequence, deciding my attempt at pragmatic thought isn't much of an attempt as the attempt continues at a capricious pace, apathy being the order of the day. In fact that line has become my new blog description so that it may remind me of my current state of mind. Which even as I type seems redundant to me, seeing as I live inside my head and know exactly what is going on (or not) in there.

I write for the entertainment of my readers (if any exist). These days though I find so little to write about.

I could talk about the cesspool that is politics but I do not see the point in that, for so long as the human element remains there will be corruption and if it is removed then there would be no humanity because at the very heart of our species we are corrupt. We don't have to try to be evil, it is doing good that is unnatural to us. Nevertheless we are trying and that has to count for something.

I will not talk about love for it is not the many splendid thing described in that song. No. No it is most certainly not. At this point in time though my distaste for love and its' intoxicating, now to me revolting effect is reasonably understandable, as extensively covered in several past blogposts my heart has suffered a gratuitous amount of hurt from which it is recovering at an ever so dilatory pace. The recovery is a laborious one, which in layman's terms means a right pain in the arse. Still one must press on.

Oh I despise thee cursed fel-love,
I rebuke thee return from whence thou came,
Be gone heathen creature,
My heart despairs this foul disease,
For which there is no cure,
Save the long passing of time.

Now that my medieval-esque tirade is over I shall continue with what I set out to do and that is absolutely nothing of consequence and I think I have thus far succeeded in that attempt. And now I fail. Because the human condition and all its idiosyncrasies, namely love are at the very core of my being. And so at some point in the near future, I shall blog about something of consequence. Or of the people of consequence and the conversations I have with them.

I like conversations. I like them very much, especially the random ones.

nice to know you, goodbye

It's been ages since my last update. Tsk. Tsk.

Things are happening in my life but blogging about it doesn't seem important. My thoughts have generally run a muck in my head and have given me grief to no end. Granted between all the painful thoughts there have been the sweet ones. That girl I blogged about previously she's at the root of both pain and sweetness. For awhile though it was more pain than sweet. However I decided it was time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and put together a new picture for my heart.

My task was seemingly insurmountable but with the support and encouragement of my compatriots even though I pretended I wasn't listening, it would seem some of it sunk in and letting the girl go became an unconscious priority. There seemed no point in dragging out my suffering, I was hurt beyond description, it seemed like life had screwed me over yet again and I thought I was on the downward spiral of depression. Life seemed meaningless and no I never contemplated suicide, that is in my opinion the cowards way out. No I mustered all the pragmatism and sensibility within me, prayed several heart wrenching prayers and pushed the girl out of my mind completely. Though obviously not as completely as I had hoped. I am human.

I won't say that I'm alright. I won't say that I'm back to being the person I was before I met her. Because I'm not. I've gone back to an old vice, picked up a new one and am more cynical than I've ever been. Without her I feel like a lesser person. Much like thinking you're complete until you're shown what you were missing. I won't say something boneheaded like I can't live without her, I won't say I need her. No, because I can live without her, I did it for 22years and I can keep doing it, though my life will be missing an essential colour. A flavour. It will be missing her.

Life is not fair, no one said it would be and you have no reason to expect it to be. We all have to play the hand we're dealt, lie in the bed we've made. Crying over it only seeks to drain you of your energy, making it that much harder to face the day ahead. I am here now at this point. I have learned to love her and not hurt as much as before. I've learned to be a friend, well as best as possible with what I have to work with. My heart is better, it still aches when I see her or think about her but I know it'll always do that. Much like breaking a bone, it heals with time but there will always be some pain especially on those cold rainy nights. And for me the rain hits closer to home than one may realise because she and I share a love for the rain or more accurately thunderstorms.

I suppose it appeals because both of us have such turbulent lives. We're both living storms.

As I said earlier letting her go was an unconscious priority and I surprised myself at how far I've gone. Now it's a conscious priority. I know I'll always love her. I can't deny that part of me. Once I love someone, I never stop.

My hope is that God sends me someone, someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I would love them, completely. Someone who would pick me. Someone who would be willing to sacrifice the world for me as I am willing for her. Not that I'd ever ask for it. No, this woman I love now and I never asked her to choose between me and her situation, between me and her life, between me and her friends. No I never did and I never would. No, I never asked her to choose me.

So to end it all. I'm not alright. I'm not fixed. I'm getting better and I learning to her let go. There is a smile on my face and for a change it's genuine. In a way I'm saying to my feelings about her "It was nice to know you, goodbye." I enjoyed hoping for her, I enjoyed the thoughts I had in my mind of her but now it's time to say goodbye to those thoughts and feelings. Time to put them away lest I miss out on all the other wonderful people in the world. And as for her and I whatever will be, will be may that be God's will.

The love remains, that will never end. And I have no regrets for that fact. None whatsoever. Though it saddens me that I will miss her kisses and her eyes. Indeed I will miss her kisses and those eyes. And her smell. And her hair. And her warmth. And her touch but I will miss her kisses and her loving eyes most of all.

this "I"

I love, I hate,
I laugh, I sigh,
I hurt, I smile, I frown,
Today I'm mostly down.

I live, I'll die,
I'll pass into the night,
This "I" so trite,
His soul broken & contrite.

he loves her and she knows

he loves her and she knows,
his eyes cannot hide,
what he feels inside,
and so at him she smiles,

he lives for the smile on her face,
his heart skips a beat whenever they embrace,
against her face with his finger he traces,
the beauty of God's abundant grace,

she gives him strength,
for her he draws his every breath,
he is so glad they met,
he has no regrets,

she looks at him and he knows,
so he smiles back,
from her eyes he knows,
it steals his heart to see she loves him so,

and so to make her happy,
his heart's desire,
she he will treasure
to hurt her never,

he loves her and she knows

friendship, love and such things

I think I have by far some of the best friends that a person could ask for.

While I was in school I never quite fit in with the other kids. I was different. I was odd. I was a loner. I stood out and I was never comfortable with being me. I had friends but most of those friendships didn't mean very much. I would laugh with them but I never belonged. I just couldn't attach myself to them and so when I left school, I left them in my past. Consequently when I go back to Ipoh the only people I mix with are my church mates. Even in church I've always been different. Contrary.

I went to college. I still didn't fit in. I still felt like I didn't belong. I made friends again but even here I only was able to connect with a couple of people. One of those people became my best friend. My first best friend. We still keep in touch. We can still connect even though life has taken us to different places.

I went to university. For the longest time no one knew I existed. A lecturer once commented that if my name had not popped up on an assignment I had handed in, he'd never have known I was in his class, I was invisible. In my second semester at uni I met my second best friend. Though at the time I didn't know it. I was just trying to get notes from the guy with a scholarship. He obliged. Fast forward to today and that guy is still handing me notes but now we're best friends. It wasn't till my fourth semester at uni that I actually felt like I was starting to fit in. This second best friend helped. The people I started to consider friends grew. However it wasn't till last semester, my sixth semester that I really felt like I belonged. I met a whole host of people. I made a lot of friends. Things got better. I met my band and their all my best mates, their respective girlfriends as well. I met some crazy Australians, one of which became another best friend. I also met her.

It was a crazy semester. I fell in love with a girl, a very awesome girl and I fell hard. Unfortunately life being what it is has put between us a barrier. It's not insurmountable but it's not one that we're going to be able to overcome on our own steam. Maybe God will intervene and until that happens, we've decided friendship is what we can offer each other. Personally speaking, I would rather lose the world than lose this girl, so I'm making every effort to be her best friend and she mine. Still it hurts, there is an inexplicable pain in my chest, it hurts to breath at times, especially after seeing her and tears still flow freely from my face at the thought of her. Yet I feel the pain and tears are worth being around her because I feel absolutely sublime in her presence, her absence is the cause of my pain and tears. I'm learning to deal with it and she tries to help. Which always makes me smile. She makes me smile. It's hard to be miserable around her.

Who knows what the future holds? I feel God has been blessing me day by day. Though as I write this I feel sad, I feel an inner contentment and peace that I've never had before, I feel joy. At the moment I'm just rolling with the punches. God has blessed me with friends. I'm thankful for that. God blessed me with her in my life and I'm thankful for that too. Tomorrow is a new day.

Wrapped in Your Arms - Fireflight

Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go

And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home

I'm seeing so much clearer
Looking through your eyes
I could never find a safer place
Even if I tried
All the times I've needed you
You've never left my side
I'm clinging to your every word
Don't ever let me go
Don't let go

Unbreakable - Fireflight

Fireflight Lyrics
Unbreakable Lyrics

seeking answers only to hear silence

It has been sometime since I posted anything of consequence on my blog. The incoherent poetry that my mind has been churning out has all but cluttered my PC. It's all a mess.

It's always a mess when a girl is involved. Especially this girl.

When I'm with her my world seems right everything passes me by and nothing bothers me. When she's gone it's very much like the song "ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away, ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long, anytime she goes away"

I've been fighting a losing battle or so it would seem. Fighting to be with a woman who is not fighting to be with me, in fact she's doing all she can to push me away for fear of falling to deep into me. However she and I both know that's too late. It is not arrogance that makes me say that, no, it's in her eyes. Her eyes can't lie to me. I see the confusion, I see the pain mingled with the joy of being together and yet not, I see how much being in love with me is tearing her apart. It's tearing me apart. Reminds me of this song by Tonic - If You Could Only See

The lyrics go

If you could only see the way she loves me, Then maybe you would understand, Why I feel this way about our love, And what I must do, If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, When she says she loves me

Granted the woman I love doesn't have blue eyes, for which I'm thankful. No I love her very expressive brown eyes, the general sentiment of the song remains intact and applicable to how i feel.

Try as I might, to cut her from my heart I can't. I breakdown every time. It would seem that every movie I watch these days makes me think of her. Nearly every song I listen to reminds me of my love for her or how I feel for her or our situation. Trust me dear reader this particular condition is horrible. I watched P.S. I Love You and cried that's how emotional she's got me. I watched hancock and teared. I can't listen to most songs on my playlist without thinking of her.

There is no rest, no peace. There is only a feeling of love and pain intertwined within my heart. It hurts to breath. I've lost my appetite, some days it feels like all the colour and humour in me has washed out. A text message from her, the sound of her voice, the smile on her face is all that is needed to renew me. However in her effort to push me away even these simple pleasures she denies me. And so I continue to break. Slivers of my heart strewn across the floor as my heart shatters.

I'm looking for answers from above but God's been silent or so I think he's been. I'm praying that the calmer of the storm will calm the storm in me. The storm that is threatening to consume me and throw me overboard. The waves are too high and I can't find my way. I'm lost without Him and without her.

Know that all I've ever wanted is to make her happy, to bring her peace, to keep her safe, to love her completely. In her I've found the love of 1 Corinthians 13.

I'm praying God helps me find a way.

transcendence

stargazing your eyes burning bright,
filled with an expression of delight,
you take me in, capture me with a whim,
i'm drowning, i'm falling,
the essence of your being all consuming,
my lungs burning for air, my heart burning for you,
i'm transfixed, i cannot look away,
you reach,
you reach out,
you reach out for me,
you are more than i could hope for,
you are more than i deserve,
you my angel, you my ethereal love,
we are incorporeal, we are finite,
we are transient,
we are only mortal,
we live, we love, we exist,
existing in transcendence,
a painting of souls intertwined,
its caption "i am your & you are mine"

come what may

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will love you

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Liberate - Disturbed

Liberate your mind
You motherfucker, you're so narrow-minded
So narrow-minded
So liberate your mind
Now motherfucker, will you liberate your mind
Ah, ah

Liberate your mind
You motherfucker, you're so narrow-minded
So narrow-minded
So Liberate your mind
Now motherfucker, will you liberate your mind
This time

Bold motherfucker
Don't limit your mind
Can't you see that the pace
Has just fallen behind
All the hate in your heart
Will be leaving you blind
So bold motherfucker
Don't you limit your mind

Now bold motherfucker
Don't limit your mind
Can't you see that the pace
Has just fallen behind
All the hate in your heart
Will be leaving you blind
So bold motherfucker
Don't you limit your mind
This time

Waiting, for your modern messiah
To take away all the hatred
That darkens the light in your eye
Still awaiting. I

Liberate your mind
You motherfucker, you're so narrow-minded
So narrow-minded
So liberate your mind
Now motherfucker, will you liberate your mind
Ah, ah

Liberate your mind
You motherfucker, you're so narrow-minded
So narrow-minded
So iberate your mind
Now motherfucker, will you liberate your mind
This time

Bold motherfucker
Don't limit your mind
Can't you see that the pace
Has just fallen behind
All the hate in your heart
Will be leaving you blind
So bold motherfucker
Don't you limit your mind

Now bold motherfucker
Don't limit your mind
Can't you see that the pace
Has just fallen behind
All the hate in your heart
Will be leaving you blind
So bold motherfucker
Don't you limit your mind
This time

Waiting, for your modern messiah
To take away all the hatred
That darkens the light in your eye
Still awaiting. I

"Out of Zion shall come forth a law
And the word of the Lord from Jerusalem
Nation shall not raise sword against nation
And they shall not learn war anymore
For the mouth of the Lord hath spoken"

Waiting, for your modern messiah
To take away all the hatred
That darkens the light in your eye
How long will we be

Waiting, for your modern messiah
To take away all the hatred
That darkens the light in your eye
Still awaiting. I

Still awaiting. I

Stolen - Dashboard Confessional

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in your highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

the world could do without, sadly

The world could do without me, sadly.

Or perhaps I could do without the world, I could do without suffering, I could do without joy, I could do without breathing, I could do without my heart beating, I could do without my broken soul, I could shed my skin, I could escape the corporeal world, I could fly heavenward, I could find peace, maybe I could do without her, ludicrous as it may seem maybe I could do without her love.

I can't.

And so the world will have to do without me, sadly. Slowly I will fade into the night, my voice will go quiet, I will pass from human knowing. I will be forgotten. My name will not echo, my name will not echo, my name will not echo. I will not matter, as I do not matter now, as I have never mattered. For nothing matters and I am nothing.

And so the world will have to do without me, I would like to think, though it won't notice. I will. Me and my thoughts.

Possession - Evans Blue

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one

to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one

to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread

oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one

to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes

things to do if you, a guy find yourself arguing with a woman

If you find yourself in an argument with a woman, comment on how her shoes match a particular article of clothing. It has a 85% chance of disarming the situation.

When arguing with a woman, make eye contact. Lack of eye contact will get you condemned as a bad listener or worse a liar (if you're doing the talking).

Do not make too much eye contact. This will lead to the assumption that you're staring her down.

Do not stare at her chest. For obvious reasons.

Complement her but don't over complement her. Flattery can come across as an attempt to get into her pants. Be vague but not too vague. I realise I'm being vague. Years of practice my brothers.

When arguing never mention another woman. This will severely screw things up.

Do not pinch her arse. She's not in the mood. Though, this can in some situations get you laid. Angry fight sex can be intense. So I've heard.

When arguing you can make a lot of valid points. All she needs is one to tear you to pieces. As a guy you'll try to make sense. She won't let sense hold her back.

So to conclude... When arguing with a woman, don't! You're always wrong. The sooner you realise this, the better things get for you.

And now I wait...

And Jax... I know, I know... I'm a misogynistic shitbag... but you love me all the same =)

I Miss You - Incubus

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

pills - the perishers

I hope my smile
Can distract you
I hope my fists
Can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love
Can blind you
I hope my arms
Can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think
We’re alright
But we need pills
To sleep at night
We need lies
To make it through the day
We’re not ok

One may think
We’re alright
But we need pills
To sleep at night
We need lies
To make it through the day
We’re not ok

One may think
We’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground
With every passing day
We’re not ok

But that’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you

That’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you

pinocchio

He the feeble Pinocchio,
His Geppetto most awesome,
He never should,
He never could,
To run from his Geppetto,
He this mangled piece of wood,
To beat his wooden heart,
A miracle to set free his ropes,
A real boy to become,
One day he foolishly hopes,
Though all he will find is woe,
For without his Geppetto,
This Pinocchio is nothing but a hollow soul.

Can't Get Enough of You Baby - Smash Mouth

all the pretty paintings

A friend of mine is leaving the country very soon, it was an eventuality foreseen and unfortunately for me I'm going to miss her very much. It is going to be very much like this, one day everything is awesome and everything is colourful and bright and the next all the pretty paintings she's coloured into my life will washout as the rain falls in her absence. Dark clouds are on the horizon and I know they're coming for me.

I could focus on them as I have been doing the last couple of weeks or I could spend all the time I have left with her, hoping to have so many paintings that the rain will not be able to wash them all out.

She is by far one of the most colourful people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, her absence will rob me of a part myself I never had before, a part of me she woke up and gave colour, her beauty both physical and emotional has impacted me, her mind has opened my eyes and her absence will leave me wanting. My life has been greatly enriched by her and if I have an abundant number of paintings even the rain cannot seek to wash them all away. A friendship not lost.

If you're reading this, you've given me more out of our friendship than I could ever have hoped for. I thank you. I'm looking forward to the pretty paintings and the goofy smiles.

Hugs and Kisses

the nomad

for i no hearth exists,
in the jigsaw i does not fit,
a nomad in the timeless mist,
content in his ignorant bliss,

idle dew drops captivate,
this i in his opiate escape,
fantasies reflect in his eye's glaze,
unfixed staring at arbitrary space,

freedom within his cage,
an oblivion of his mind's array,
for his thoughts no page,
the depravity of chaos portrayed,

now this i sees,
in the dreamscape a travesty,
in our humanness a frailty,
we bereft of sensibilities,

this broken soul wistful,
yearning for clarity,
sighing at his humanity,
and all its idiosyncrasies

pride

such is the fallacy of human pride,
in our attempt to conquer minds,
we wither humanity in our stride,
till all we leave are ruined lives,

understanding perceived a notion unsubstantial,
to never see the other side,
knowledge thought a vantage worthless,
such is the fallacy of human pride,

morpheus

to sleep you go winks,
like the man named rip
deny not the sandman,
i, your morpheus am,

to shape, to make,
you, i will not break,
in me solace take,
i, your morpheus wake,

i your dreams write,
in me take sweet delight,
i one from the twilight,
i, your morpheus sublime,

such is release,
captured in this art,
you with me in the stars,
i, your morpheus assure,

caught in the expanse,
eternity ends in no time,
and moment is a pleasure,
i, your morpheus treasure

the rising sun,
and to slumber i must,
return to you soon trust,
to be your morpheus again winks.

Nemo - Nightwish

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavour
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

My flower
Withered between
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forever more

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forever more

Nemo my name forever more

the way i see it - boys and men

the way I see it, the distinct difference between boys and men aside from the greater amount of flatulence, facial hair, receding hairline and hairier balls, is how far you have to fall when you've screwed up. Men fall further.

Yes men fall further in the eyes of the world in comparison to boys. If you never take up the mantle of being a man, you shall always remain loved in the eyes of the world regardless of how many times you fall or how bad that fall is. Why?

It's boils down to the expectation that the world places on boys and men.

Boys are expected to fall, to be irresponsible, to lack good sense, to make mistakes, to be immature. It's the norm, no one is phased when by the stupidity of boys. In fact there is a saying that basically makes everything alright for a boy. It goes "boys will be boys". That saying is basically a green light for a boy to do just about anything and get away with it.

Men are expected to be responsible, to be strong, to be secure, to be infallible, to be steady, to be level headed, to provide, to be mature. Sayings like "be the bigger man" come into play, which basically tell men to be all that is expected of them. The seemingly ominous duty of being a man is daunting, filled with strife and copious amounts of responsibility. It is like being forged in the hottest furness. Many crack under immense weight of this responsibility. Can the boy survive the forging process? Can this boy be a man?

It's a lot for the boy trying to wear a man's shoes to take on at once because at the heart of it, the boy remains forever, hidden within the man. Eventually the boy becomes a man, though not every boy wants to. What sort of man would this boy be? The answer I dare not consider for fear it will be something I cannot live with.

I am the boy content with being a boy and nothing more for now. I am Peter Pan, my mind is my neverland.

Can't take my eyes off of you - Frank Valli

Song Lyrics

Trouble Sleeping - The Perishers

days

we have so many days ahead of us,
though numbered be those days,
we still have them in fair supply,
be they good ones or bad,

perhaps equally portioned,
i hope the bias towards good is,
our job is only this,
to treasure the good and discard the bad,

Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

Sway - The Perishers

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

to muse

It is strange that people who believe that I would be good at a relationship are the people who aren't the focus of my affection. Perhaps it is the innate kindness in these people that compels them to believe this.

I'm not saying that the people that are the focus of my affection aren't kind people, no not all, I think because it pertains to them, they aren't looking at it with as much naivety and so they aren't as caught up with what would seem as good relationship material.

This explanation is better than the other one in my mind. Let us not give it words, still one can't help but feel a little bogged down by it all.

After all if people are telling you a thing about yourself that is apparently positive and you're experiencing the opposite where it would seem to matter the most, it makes you question if you've really got any of the positive thing in you.

Maybe it's all a farce. Maybe, just maybe and so I muse.

Where is the silver lining?

small mercies

"Hope for the best, expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed..."
Mel Brooks

Fumble a lot we do, forget our lines, get cold feet, become impatient, fall over ourselves, hurt other people. Such is the malady that plagues our humanness.

And yet in all our randomness exists hope. It is the adhesive that keeps everything from falling apart. It keeps us from falling apart. It keeps me together as I'm torn apart. This is the mercy shown me, better than none at all.

Though there are times when even hope needs a miracle, times when hope needs a bit more than hope.

the way i see it - women part deux

The way i see it, women are Goddesses.

I wrote on Thursday about how women were the woe of men and yes I still think they're trouble. However they're a trouble a guy will gladly get himself into. A trouble I would gladly get myself into. They are godlike. Pedestal worthy. In my book they are the almost unattainable earthly perfection.

Unfortunately some realise this much to my dismay.

I have always believed women to be the fairer sex, I have worshiped them all my life. I find them both perplexing and intriguing. It is scary how I let the ones I care about bring my world to a standstill and I to my knees.

Most of the time my armour holds in front of them, however there are some who I take my armour off for and leave myself vulnerable, exposed. It scares me. And yet I welcome it.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. When it comes to women I am quite the headstrong fool.

Heaven help me.

moment

we are caught in the moment,
the eternity of it fleeting,
we are lost in our moment,
the eternity of it mesmerizing,

we are hidden in the moment,
the world passing us by,
we are sheltered in our moment,
the world to us cannot lie,

we are free in the moment,
only you and i
we are found in our moment,
it only needs you and i,

the way i see it - women

The way i see it, women are trouble.

My mother warned me about them, and so did the bible. In genesis Adam had just woken up groggy from the anesthetic God had used. It was the first time a man had woken up next to a naked woman who's name he didn't know, wondering what he had done the night before. To make matters worse he was missing a rib, we all know God pinched his rib and made a woman out of it, I'm fairly certain that was Adam's conclusion as well.

Lucky enough for Adam, God being the awesome wingman that he is, filled in all the pieces. Her name was Eve or at least that is what God said. Adam I'm fairly certain was more concerned about his missing rib. I would have been. Adam called her woman meaning "of man". Though I wonder if he also called her woman because of some sort of unknowing prophetic foresight. Because all girls have ever been is the woe of men. I think this is why he called her women, cause with his rib missing he knew it was all down hill from there.

Anyways all was good in eden till Eve started talking to snakes. And developed a liking for apples. Yeah the woman was tempted by that snake, she then tempted her man. Now look how much of trouble we're all in? So I conclude that women are indeed trouble. Thanks to them we need to wear clothes, shave, wear deodorant, eat MacDonalds, earn money, die which I'm particularly annoyed about.

hands

looking into my hands,
i trace the lines of my palm,
they are my apparent fate,
in such things i put no weight,

looking into my hands,
something is missing,
to correct it i reach out,
please don't be alarmed,

looking into my hands,
the only thing missing,
is worth reaching,
the only thing missing is your hand in mine

break my heart, it shouldn't be hard

you can break my heart,
take me apart & slowly discard,
this myriad of pieces,
that make up the man corrupt,

it shouldn't be hard,
you can shape into art,
as i self destruct,
build me new from the start,

a random thing to post

i'm shutting down, retreating
i've fallen to the floor,
can this heart keep beating?
with all there is in store,

from another hit reeling,
i can't take much more,
there can be no feeling,
i'm exhausted to the core,

and all these thoughts, confuse me,
and all these thoughts, they lose me.

It's Been Awhile - Staind

It's Been A While Lyrics