tapping the bong one too many times leads to strange fatherly advice

Bagus walked up to me and he said “Dude... Dude I want you to write a short story for MUISS’s upcoming publication” and I said “Sure, what do you want me to talk about?” Thinking that he wanted me to discuss some serious issue in university, like why they don’t sell bananas (the fruit) in the cafeteria besides those awesome new crepe/paratha thingamajigs. Alas that was not what he had in mind, first he went through a list of things that had been covered by the MONGA and then he said “I want you to write something trippy, something weird.”

I mulled over this as he walked away and an idea popped in my head. What if your dad smoked up and decided to give you that birds and the bees talk gangster like? I think it would go something like this,

Yo, what up son? It’s time fo’ me to lay down some knowledge on you boy. Here is the 411. Check it.

*Your dad cranks up the stereo and something that sounds like a little jon song starts playing and then he starts rapping.*

Yo son, ya gettin to that age, when things in your body start to feel strange,
Son, ya voice is gettin deeper and ya dong is gettin longer,
Hair is startin to grow all over, even in places you didn’t think it should ever,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,

When ya see a woman, ya start to feel a stirrin,
Something deep inside you starts a movin and that dude in your pants starts a wiggling,
And ya start to feel a deep yearnin for something ya never thought about or even imagined,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,

What you gotta do is keep it under wraps and keep those feelings in your pants,
And I don’t mean feel around your pants except maybe when you dance,
And by dance I don’t mean with your feet but with something that looks like a stick,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,

What ya’re feeling is all natural, in fact that’s kinda how ya came about,
Cause ya see when a man loves a woman things kinda get nasty and children happen,
And if ya don’t want children, then son when ya decker protect your pecker,
Don’t be afraid it’s just part of the game, even I went through this phase at your age,

Word up!

As mortified as you may feel at the time, you’ll look back at it and realise that you would still be as scarred regardless of whether or not he had been tripping.

Obviously this couldn't go into any Monash publication but still it's the first thing that popped into my head.