jimmy and another girl

And so, I'm writing again.

It's never a good sign when I feel the need to write in this space. The cumulative effect of so many repressed thoughts and feelings burning, yearning for an escape leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

How lovely would it be to go a day without feeling? To be numb within this hollowed cavity that houses the rhythmic pulse of life. To freeze all thought, emotion and vice.

I do not understand my need to desire the things that are not meant for me. And by this of course I refer to women. Woman, if I'm being honest.

Yes, I've gone and done it again. Allowed my wretched heart to disobey my far nobler and wiser mind.

You would think after the last female to enter my life and the heart wrenching pain she caused me when she left, my heart would have been less foolish to have loved so quickly again and be slightly wiser about who he choose to love. Alas, it would appear my heart who I fondly refer to as Jimmy the Jackass has gone and started loving some new girl. Without my mind's consent to boot. Which by itself is not a bad thing. I don't think loving a person is a bad thing. It's commendable to love others but allowing romantic feelings to develop that's where I draw the line.

Jimmy, forlorn Jimmy feels deep emotion for what my mind Kerc as I've named him, recognizes as a genuinely nice girl. So you might wonder what's the problem? Well I'll tell you. Jimmy here has gone and picked yet another woman who doesn't know he exists and won't reciprocate his feelings. Plus some other complications best not mentioned for the woeful state they put us in. And so he aches. This annoys me and my mind as we really want to get on with our collective lives.

I do have bigger to fish to fry and falling in love surely isn't on the menu. No matter how great the girl might seem. And there in lies the problem, they all seem great. Seem being the operative word.

Seriously Jimmy... get a grip. We can't deal with anymore hurt. Time to drop the feelings like a bad habit. The exams are coming and we're going to need all of us in top fighting condition.

the girl next to me

i see her next to me,
staring blankly out into a sea,
of people oblivious to what makes her,
what makes her unique,

i look at her with affection,
i say so with inflection,
our friendship is a delight,
a delight of worthwhile distraction,

her face is beauty,
skin is only so deep,
but the masses see what's on the outside,
the masses that can't see wood for trees,

her soul she hides,
delicate like the moonlight,
whispers wonder if you'll only listen,
whispers to me insight,

thoughts fill my soul,
this friend like a child to hold,
protect with sword, shield, skin and bone,
protect with every breath more precious than gold,

my thoughts fill my head,
my thoughts fill this page,
my thoughts another chapter write,
my thoughts fueled by her delight.

the nomad revisited

for i no hearth exists,
in the jigsaw i does not fit,
a nomad in the timeless mist,
content in his ignorant bliss,

idle dew drops captivate,
this i in his opiate escape,
fantasies reflect in his eye's glaze,
unfixed staring at arbitrary space,

freedom within his cage,
an oblivion of his mind's array,
for his thoughts no page,
the depravity of chaos portrayed,

he, transient, filled with quiet sorrow,
either a day behind or a day ahead,
a yesterday or a tomorrow,
either way i does not live in the present state,

now this i sees,
in the dreamscape a travesty,
in our humanness a frailty,
we bereft of sensibilities,

this broken soul wistful,
yearning for clarity,
sighing at his humanity,
and all its idiosyncrasies.

daughtry - life after you

It's been playing over and over again in my head. =)



Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know

Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through, yeah
Know there's no life after you

Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you, yeah

tattoos, more

I've always loved tattoos. I've always wanted a tattoo (READ: MANY TATTOOS). And of late I've been giving them very serious thought.

I've seen a great many tattoos and I realise that originality is not something you're going to find if you're not able to draw your own artwork. Or unless you find someone with the ability to visualise what's in your head.

Above are two more tattoo designs that I'm considering.

The one on the left is "girly" by all accounts. But I see more to it. I like the general idea of vines and and thorns warping my arms with a flower or something of beauty to bait an unobservant passerby

Symbolically I've always felt that I've needed to guard myself with thorns to keep myself from being hurt. Hence as a friend of mine put it, I come across as caustic in nature. I would probably never compare myself to a rose but like a song I know goes and is apt to describe my nature "to touch the rose un-fearful is to meet the thorn".  You could say, I've always been a person that people approach with ease till I've stung them with my words, words they aren't expecting because of how pleasant I seem.

The second is a celtic knot of eternity. It reminds me of the Christian symbol of the trinity. Again it speaks to my nature, always chasing the infinite eternity. To always wanting all the time to do whatever. Eternity means time has no definition. You can never feel like you're out of time.

It brings home the latin saying that has become the motto of my existence "Non Sum Qualis Eram" I am not what I once was. Eternity can mean complacency or an ever shifting landscape. My eternity is an ever shifting landscape.

In my earlier post I highlighted the fifth tattoo as my favourite, if you see my general theme. You will see my fascination with simplicity. I strive for it. I might have highlighted the dragon but truthfully I wouldn't tattoo that on my body. It's just not me. My fascinations are with light and darkness. Good and evil. The duality of all things.

For example, I would tattoo an angel on my body and a skull. The skull is not inherently evil nor is the angel inherently good, though popular belief would say otherwise. Skulls while scary in nature have nothing to hide, the hollowness of them can hide no secrets, yet angels in all their beauty can manipulate and deceive.

So by the time I'm done with my body, I think I'll have quite a bit of artwork on it. Slowly.

For the time being though, I think I'm going to work with the template of the celtic knot of eternity and my latin phrase.

Let me know what you think. And if anyone knows good font styles that would be awesome. Cheers.

tattoos

Choice #2

Choice #3

Choice #4

Choice #5

Of all the designs I love this one the most.

For a very long time I've wanted to get a tattoo. In fact I would like multiple tattoos however it takes time to think about what you want to ink permanently on your body.

Here are 5 designs that I really like, especially the last one because it's the simplest. And I love simplicity.

I was thinking of putting the tattoo on my shoulder or my forearm (I'm favouring my forearm) with the latin phrase Non Sum Qualis Eram, which means "I am not what I once was".


If anyone has any thoughts on the matter drop me a line.

i read this today

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Taken from 1 Peter 4:8

swimming

"Today I went swimming, left the things that have been weighing me down at the bottom of the pool. Today I went swimming, I drowned all my unproductive thoughts of you."

a brown volvo

I remember talking to you,
About a brown volvo,
The life we would have,
And the places we would go,

We spoke of the future,
And of homes and trust,
Of names and children,
Of a future that would last,

I've seen forever come and go,
In three months or so,
As measured by you,
I've seen your forever come and go,

I thought and thought,
Perhaps I deserve my lot,
Then once again I thought,
And realised I did not,

I know she doesn't belong,
To me even if I think we should be,
Together in my forever,
Here I will always be,

I know I will always love,
This girl that I've lost,
But it's time to move on,
And find myself without a heart filled with frost.

one republic - come home

I love this song.



[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

lighthouse family - high

I love this song.



When you're close to tears remember
Some day it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high
And though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high

And at
The end of the day
remember the days
When we were close to the edge
And we'll wonder how we made it through the night
The end of the day
remember the way
We stayed so close till the end
We'll remember it was me and you

'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love

Don't you think it's time you started
Doing what we always wanted
One day we're gonna get so high
'Cause even the impossible
is easy when we got each other
One day 'we're gonna get so high

And at
The end of the day
remember the days
when we were close to the edge
And we'll wonder how we made it through the night
The end of the day
remember the way
We stayed so close to till the end
We'll remember it was me and you.

'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love (x2)


High, high, high, high.(x2)

And at
The end of the day
remember the days
when we were close to the edge
And we'll wonder how we made it through the night
The end of the day
remember the way
We stayed so close to till the end
We'll remember it was me and you.

'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love (x3)

smoke two joints

I was smoking some shisha with the Foong, when it occurred to me that I knew the perfect stoner song. It's more like a creed than a song.

It's sublime's "Smoke two joints"

Here is the abstract that I think is pertinent :)

I smoke two joints in the morning,
I smoke two joints at night.
I smoke two joints in the afternoon,
It makes me feel all right.
I smoke two joints in time of peace,
And two in time of war.
I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints,
And then I smoke two more.

I laughed so hard the first time I heard the lyrics. And every time since.

Though if applied to shisha I might need new lungs by the end of the semester.


- Posted on the go

compulsion, desire and voice,

I disconnect from the world below,
I long for the heart of a girl, who to me was once known,
Every hour brings a trial of its' own,
Every hour on the hour down my face tears flow,

I linger in a pit of anguish,
Perhaps I am just being selfish,
Yearning to be with my temptress,
My heart’s thief and soul’s goddess,

In photographs her eyes entrance me,
In memories her shadow haunts me,
Where her scent crushes me,
Beneath the weight of her sublime beauty,

I am all melancholy,
Shun by this lady,
Whose friendship escapes me,
By my words I am my own undoing,

In anger I said,
Many things I now dread,
I pray the Lord will change her heart just yet,
And forgive me for all the spite that I said,

Perhaps I am a fool,
Perhaps I am a fool,
Perhaps I am a fool,
But I am no fool for loving you,

My time was not wasted,
Even if my lips said so,
Every moment was a blessing,
Blessings I am now missing,

I will love her always,
Always and forever,
As is my heart’s choice,
Compulsion, desire and voice,

chocolate, oh and some things not really worth mentioning

There are now really only three people I hate in this world specifically; and hate them with a vengeance do I. There are a whole bunch of other people that I don't like. But only three that I hate.

I know that hate is a strong word perhaps not strong enough. That's why I set out to find a stronger word. I can't decide between these three abhor, detest and loathe.

I suppose I could abhor one, detest the second and loathe the third.

Somehow, my antipathy seems like too much effort. So instead I've decided to have chocolate to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I was going to be rather juvenile and post of some really callous post about recent facebook activities involving some scummy people, their relationship and their bitchy slut friend. As callous and cruel as they were. But I've decided instead that chocolate is a great thing to discuss.

I was going to descend to their level of generally disgusting and horrid behaviour but then decided they weren't worth the effort.

Now chocolate on the other hand, mmmhmm. I love that stuff. Truly my only vice be.

Cocoa, have you ever had it? It's really quite amazing. Much better than loving someone else. Cause you're loving yourself! There is nothing more therapeutic save one, deleting people you're no longer friends with on facebook; I liken it to murder without the risk of jail time or the worry of cleaning up the mess. And did you realise that facebook doesn't even ask you whether you're sure. No time for second thoughts now that you're a stone cold killer. I digress.

Chocolate, yes that sweet milk enriched treat. Used in sacrifices by the Aztec people. Sometimes. Gosh, chocolate has such a violent past. But I love it all the same, cause it'll never lie to me about whether it's really 70% cocoa. No way. It's only manipulations would be to make me feel better about myself. How awesome! Truly a better love one could not find!

Ah chocolate. Ut sementem feceris ita metes.

heartbreak and moving on

Heartbreak is not pleasant.

It's almost always messy and painful when people end relationships. Sometimes more so for one party then for the other. Usually the one who is being told that their relationship is over.

Sometimes you can see it coming, though I think the knowledge of your relationship's impending end is cold porridge for comfort. Perhaps to be ignorant of the fact, up until the point the message is delivered is a blessing. Either way the bitter taste left in your mouth as you part ways with the person you "loved" is never pleasant. Worse still is the heaviness that weighs down your heart, that sinking feeling that things will never be quite the same for you.

I am intimate with this feeling of loss and isolation. To put it romantically, all the colour and flavour that this world has to offer suddenly drains away into oblivion and you're left standing a mono-chromatic shell of your former self. While all around you people who still hold colour and flavour are living and breathing, you are motionless, idle in your thoughts. Progress seems unthinkable. Like an aeroplane engine you stall from the lack of air flowing into you, your world comes crashing down around you.

Your heart turns to obsidian, the weight of it seems immovable, you become obdurate. You come to an impasse with yourself. A fractured soul seemingly unable to move on. What hurts you the most is the realisation that the other person has done so.

Now if you were I, there would be many things at play in your head. Voices screaming at you to wish the other person nothing but the misery you feel. A deep desire for vengeance, bordering on a thirst for blood. I realise how maniacal that may sound, this is usually the best defence your tattered mind can formulate. Brutal, primal and self serving. At least it was the best defence my faulty wiring could garble together. I lashed out with the weapons I had available to me, my words. The sharp double edge sword that is my strength and shield. I wish I had not.

When the tempest had passed, regret set in. The realisation that I had just verbally assaulted someone I loved stung me at my core. And yet the damage had been done, there was no way to roll back time.

Still venting those emotions had done me good. My head cleared and the once obsidian heart started to beat again. Its blackened surfaces giving way to the fresh red beneath. I found momentum and I allowed it carry me on into a new cognitive process. I stopped hurting. And at an unexpected moment it dawned on me, I had moved on. I no longer feel the heaviness that once weighed me down. I can find no misery within me. I am at peace.

Truth be told, I've never felt better than I do right now. Life goes on after the storm passes. As is evident by my life going on. I have within me no bitterness, no discomfort, no pain, no pining for the girl. Just glowing optimism that everything is going to be fine.

In the words of Bob Marley, God rest his soul, he sang it so eloquently "In this bright future you can't forget your past, so dry your tears I say". He acknowledge that you never forget what happens to you but he also realised that future was bright and that the tears did you no good.

Like he says at the end of the song, "Everything's gonna be alright". And truly it always works out that way. No point fretting over the milk you spilled, get a mop, clean up and then go about your day.

So yeah, I believe "Everything's gonna be alright".

goodbye misery this is where you get off

Free fall to the end of the hall,
My mind made a up reason to stall,
But not anymore,
Goodbye misery this is where you get off,

Opened the door to another wall,
I tried giving Jack a call,
But not anymore,
Goodbye misery this is where you get off,

I'm over, over. over you,
You might think that's untrue,
Because I'm singing this song about you,
But honestly, I'm over you,

I'm over, over, over you,
Having a beer laughing about the news,
My mates are singing along,
And we're all over you,

For awhile there felt like a ragdoll,
I was being pulled back and forth,
But not anymore,
Goodbye misery this is where you get off,

I just broke through the wall,
Found my way through it all,
Forevermore,
Goodbye misery this is where you get off.

sanguine fire

I'm so angry right about now, just a shell of burning rage.
I'm looking for something to push me of the edge.

I'm heading for a breakdown, I think this ship is going down.
I'm burning in my core all my nerves are raw.

I can't isolate the thing that makes me so irate.
I just know that I want something to eviscerate.

I can taste nothing but steel on my tongue,
Sanguine fire from my eyes that tears down,

I can't hold on, with everything falling apart,
I can't hold on, with everything closing in,
I can't hold on, catch my fall.

Dark days

A darkness envelops this highway
Shades my sight in a haze of gray
Winter has fell summer with an autumn blade
I watch as everything falls to the sting of decay

There are dark days ahead
Only thorns for my head
Nails line the path I tread
There are dark days ahead



- Posted on the go

something for the ladies

hey ladies... checkout

The Industrious Bumble Bee. . .

It's a cosmetic blog that is being run by a friend's mum.

the post where he is sorry

I was recently told that I've been behaving like a proverbial jerk, insensitive and nasty. A part of me would like to believe that everyone around me is being overly sensitive. Alas that would be wishful thinking laced with deep denial. I've taken stock and realised that while I don't intend to offend people, what I find amusing about other people when vocalised can cause unnecessary hurt. It doesn't surprise me though. There is more power in words than anyone cares to acknowledge.

To cut a long story short. I'm sorry for offending you.

If you want a personal apology for something I did or said, please come see me, tell me how I offended you and I'll apologise.