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my thoughts on love

Not long ago I wrote about my understanding of the difference between liking a person and loving a person, here.

Someone once said

"Love is giving someone every power in the world to destroy you and trusting them not to"

I subscribe to that school of thought. I open myself to hurt every time I love someone. I give the other person power over me and I think love is a scary thing, but I think we open ourselves to it because we are never more alive than when we are loving another person or being loved in return.

It's like Victor Hugo said

"What a grand thing, to be loved! What a grander thing still, to love!"

And damnit that french guy was right! I find no greater thing to do in the world than being able to love other people. Though when I love I don't expect to be loved in return, I hope for it but I never expect it. I obviously want to be loved, I don't reject love. I just never expect the people in my life to love me. I'm thankful that they do. Very thankful. My love isn't about what the other person can do for me, but what I can do for the other person. My love is an act of service.

And you know I like this Victor fellow and his thoughts, I agree with him,

"Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved."

There is no greater feeling than the knowledge that you are loved.

Know that you are loved by me.

headspace, state of mind

Broken - Lifehouse



- Lifehouse Lyrics

Dare You to Move - Switchfoot



- Switchfoot Lyrics

star struck, her perfect imperfection

I am! I am!

It's always stacked against me. The girl always embodies the things that attract me the most.

Always. Always. Always.

I never seem to embody the things that attract her. I can't be what I'm not. This is me. Flawed me. She's not perfect but that is what makes her in a way perfect.

It frustrates me so much.

And as a friend and I were discussing the other day it isn't her fault. She can't help being who she is just as much as I can't help being who I am.

She can't help it that her beauty is the sort of beauty that attracts me, that her mind and personality are brilliant in the way that excites me, that the places she's been and the experiences she has gathered make her so unique and it is that uniqueness that captures me. It isn't her fault. It's not her fault that her smile locks me up, that the sound of her voice soothes me, that the way she tilts her head back when she laughs or the way she pouts drives me crazy.

It's not her fault. It's not her fault that I'm attracted to her. I can't help how I feel, it's not my fault either. It's God's fault. Fine it isn't. No one can be blamed I think. I want to blame someone. I can't. It frustrates me.

I'm frustrated because I can't change anything. I am frustrated because all I can do is spectate from the sidelines as this awesome girl floats through my life.

I don't want to be star struck. I don't want to be captivated. Because I'm scared that if I get to know her any better seeing her go will be unbearable. But I want to get to know her more and more. It's like being torn in two different directions. Like standing still, rooted and running at full speed all at once. Spinning free and yet caught.

It frustrates me. It all frustrates me.

I find myself on the edge of a precipice. I fear I will fall into her. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm frustrated.

I'm drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I'm star struck by her awesomeness.

Her perfect imperfection.

songs i'm learning to play for the street carnival auditions

Learn to Fly - Foo Fighters

How You Remind Me - Nickelback

Times like These - Foo Fighters

Let it be - The Beatles

Ana's Song - Silverchair

Lets see if my bass playing cuts it.

Island - The Starting Line

- Starting Line Lyrics

a matter of perception

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is over-sized, for optimal containment efficiency

Quote, Unknown Author

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K

- Relient K Lyrics

is it really lying?

There is an interesting line between willful deception & withholding the truth because of genuine care for the other person. The albeit thin line, exists. Withholding the truth is not necessarily lying.

Lying implies deceit, a choice to fool.

Not everyone withholds the truth to deceive. Sometimes it's just a way of protecting themselves from a perceived threat.

Sometimes one human being cannot articulate with eloquence what he/she is feeling/thinking, to another. In this situation withholding the truth until the time is right is the best option rather than bungling what one is trying to say.

Telling the truth is liberating, however it needs to be done with tact. Otherwise you just end up with a big mess.

Most of the time, I hold to this simple philosophy myself,

like my mum always says

if you've got nothing nice to say, it's best not to say anything at all.

Art of Motion - Andy McKee

my contribution

I'm contributing to something! Go me!

Yeah the world is going mad, cause suddenly my contribution to something matters or does it? I choose to believe it matters because I believe "Vsetko bude v poriadku" which is Slovak for everything is going to be alright. Indeed optimism is the order of the day. What can possibly go wrong? Though it's not a question one should ask, because the universe usually answers. Indeed it does. And rarely in a good way.

A short post today. My brain is a little tired. I'm just going to post a poem I wrote awhile back it seems to fit this day.

Let Go

Let go of all that you know,
Of everything you hold close to your soul,
Be free of all control,
Release yourself into life’s living flow,

Let God’s hand be your guide,
His voice, your light,
Let your ears be your eyes for sight can lie,
Hear His word, know the truth,

Salvation is free, to all who believe,
Hope there is always, for His grace is sufficient,
And if a sparrow He can love and care for,
How much more you.

Before I knew Him, He knew me,
In my mother’s womb, He loved me,
He created me, I am unique,
He gave me my destiny,

He was there when I was born,
He brought me safely to this world
He was there when I first walked,
When I fell he picked me up,

He was there when I first spoke,
He was gladdest when I first praised,
When I did good, he blessed,
When I sinned, he forgave,

He promised to never forsake me,
To always to walk with me,
And He will be there when I die,
And then He will take me home.

Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

- Snow Patrol Lyrics

lost

as dawns early light bathes a new day,
showered in golden rays,
on all creation where dew drops lay,
i perceive perfection's sway,

as the sun hangs overhead,
i am neither weary nor do i dread,
it guides me, i know i am in good stead,
to illuminate my walk, a purpose played,

as dusk calls an end to the day,
i gaze upon this awesome display,
the moment fleeing to a place far away,
i watch as the night triumphs over the day,

as darkness claims the night,
i stand in the pale moonlight,
i kneel beneath the starry twilight,
i am broken and contrite,

my head hung low, my gaze upon the ground,
though the gloom circles around,
to it i am not bound,
because in You i am no longer lost, i am found,

the ethereal one

You've got me caught,
Caught, in this heavenly being, in You,
You've got me distraught,
Distraught, maddening it consumes me,

me, i want You,
You take my every breath,
Breath of life You are,
Are You mine or am i Yours?

Yours i am, i am beholden, i am,
Am i alone?
Alone, for without You there is only nothingness,
Nothingness, no light at the end of the tunnel,

Tunneled, my vision is,
Is this perfection?
Perfection, You aren't perfect my love,
Love You still, i do ethereal one

the unspoken

to my knees fallen,
gazing on your face,
this body broken,
seeking your warmth to embrace,

cored, body broken,
incorporeal, thoughts a torrent,
heart laid open,
a response warrants,

heart laid open,
still beating, love crying,
withdrawn, my soul taken,
caught in your eternal being,

soul taken,
am i forsaken?
to my knees fallen,
for you my unspoken,

my difference between like and love

Like and love, I think the main difference is choice. You don't need to like a person to love them.

When I like a person, I make a choice to like them. The choice may be based on who they are, I might like that personality, those fiery eyes, the way they tilt their head back when they're smiling or laughing, the sound of their voice. These are things you grow and choose to like. Or dislike.

Love on the other hand has two sides to it, or so I believe, an unconditional nature which is the love you're supposed to have for all mankind and animals alike. It's a love that is extended to other things, a concern for the well being of the people around you, a want in yourself not to see the people around you hurt, this is the love God said to have for your neighbor. However we hear the words "I love you", though rarely meant, bandied about like pamphlets at the mall. It's quite sad really.

The other side of love is not so much conditional as it is a conditioned response to an increase in your like of another person's qualities. Those eyes, smiles, personality, laughs and such. This love is a further building of the like that you have, it also or more appropriately should incorporate the unconditional love outlined above. It integrates a deeper connection between two human beings. It usually culminates in a physical expression of that love. Thus relationships are born which lead to marriage, so on and so forth, all dependent on those within the bounds of the relationship.

At the end of it you should have a love a lot like that of 1 Corinthians 13. Though difficult to achieve (I personally think it is near impossible however this is because I realize how selfish I can be and how difficult it would be for me to love like that, it wouldn't stop me from trying) it is the perfect definition for love.

Peace.

the day i cooked

Saturday was awesome fun, I had 12 people over at my tiny apartment, one and a half kilos of pasta, three quarts of a kilo of cheese, a liter of cream, 6 eggs, some garlic, lots and lots of coke, there was chicken, sago, sugar, coconut cream and a pack of butter. It was heaven. Ok it was chaos, it was awesome.

We had carbonara and sago pudding. Jacki assisted in the pasta making, and I think there was more help, but I'm not sure who else was helping cause I had my head in the kitchen for the most part.

The evening started with me walking to the condo to get eve, jax and sheree. We headed to carrefour, got our stuff after much musing. Then headed home. Eve stole our eggs. Well she didn't really steal the eggs, she sorta took them home by accident. However she brought them later and well the pasta was saved.

The night progressed with much noise and merry making, I hope it was merry making. If we had spirits it would have been most perfect. Which is another way of saying chaos. Someone fired up the xbox and then heated competition began with Yasir and JQ having the asses handed to them I think by my sister. She's a chip of the old block. I'm so proud.

The night ended with some of us heading to the mall to watch a movie. That was fun.

Thank you all for coming it was great fun. Now I have a lot of dishes to wash up not so fun, but still worth feeding people.

So here is a cheer for fellowship. Peace.

the day i fell in love with prague

I think I was about 8 years old when I fell in love with Prague. It was a random event in my life, I saw a picture of this building and a street in Prague, and I told myself I would see that one day in person. To this day that picture still comes to me vividly.

As I grew up and learned more of Prague and what was formerly known as Czechoslovakia, I grew even more and more enchanted with the country and the people and the language. It is a world straight out of a fairy tale. The buildings, the countryside, the beauty of it all is so amazing, so engaging, inspiring. My heart yearns to see that beauty in person. If there was any place in the world I could be right now Prague would be that place. I would hide there forever it is my holy grail.

I met a guy from Panama, no he is not Czech or Slovakian. He's pretty awesome though. I mention him because of what I'm told he did, he apparently fell in love with Malaysia, learned the language, became a Muslim all before getting here. AWESOME! I wish I could do that, leave this country, learn the language, and live there in Prague. I want to do it so badly. Maybe when I've finished this degree. Maybe. Even if I never live there I want to see it before the world ends, or I die whenever that maybe.

There are other places in this world that I would like to see before I die or the world ends whichever happens first.

I would like to see the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican City, I would like to live in Italy for sometime, I would like to live in Greece for sometime, specifically near the sea. I would like to visit France, the Louvre, Paris, how amazing would it be to see all those works of art? I would like to see the hills of Scotland, and the beauty of Ireland's countryside. I want to go to Alaska simply to say I have. These are the things I would like to do. Maybe. Maybe.

And of course there is all the food to try.

With that I leave you this little piece of advice that Eleanor Roosevelt wrote

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."

So perhaps I will. And you should do the same.

the day the world came crashing down on me

Awake, the ambient air unnaturally cool though the a/c is no longer on, its humming absent, dry from the long night i lick my lips wet. The steady rhythm of my heart in my ears parts the silence evenly.

Eyes open staring vacantly at the ceiling, I take my first conscious breath. The sudden coolness in my chest as my lungs fill with air, it rocks the final remnants of the broken night loose.

I am alive. I am alive.

Should be my only thought and yet I am greeted only with silent sorrow, its solemness adds a surreal quality to the coolness of the morning, it is both solemn and familiar, it is my comfort, my solace. It is sublime, no I have come to accept it as sublime. The alternative not a prospect I envy having.

With effort I push myself up, up, up, from my bed, the cold floor sends a shock through my system. On autopilot I go about my routine. I stop in front of the mirror. I check to see if the mask is in place. My mask of normal and adjusted is just where I left it, hiding the who I am behind it. I smile my secret smile and continue my routine. I know the answers to all the questions, I know how to be normal. I know. I do.

Clothed I move on with my day. Where am I going today? To learn a voice tells me. Learn? To that place then. I make my way, my mind already racing ahead of me. Thoughts racing through my mind at the speed of light, I am helplessly bound to them, following them as best as I can. I find myself there. Where did time go?

I walk in. I see faces I know, the mask smiles, good work I think. The faces smile back. Such insincere pleasantries we must engage in. I continue to walk. I sit. I listen. I try to learn. For some reason I can't, I never can, I hear but it never makes any sense. I leave that class. My friends, their faces smiling and so alive, they speak to me, there is sincerity, the mask replies. Very good work.

And then I see your face. Amazed, breathing shallow, pulse quickening, I reach, the mask struggles, it knows I take it off for you. I let you see me, it knows I let you see my soul, it urges me to stop, it screams to stay in place. I put my mask away for you. I let you stare into my eyes, I let you see the cold emptiness inside.

But you never do. You don't see me. You don't. You don't. You don't see the mask. You just don't see. I look down at my hands, I can't see them. I can't see them. Where have they gone? I run, I run, to a mirror searching, searching, I find myself staring at nothing. Where am I going? I have disappeared. You remain there staring through me. I cry, the tears burn my cheeks but you can't see the ocean rising around me consuming everything.

I fall, falling to my bed, my head hits the soft pillow, where has the day gone? Everything crashing down on me. Crashing, crushing. Where has the day gone?

Darkness engulfs me. Empty. Void. Awake. The cycle begins again.




So I Thought Lyrics

the breast, i like the breast

I like big breasts and I cannot lie, when I see those juicy, succulent, all encompassing creations. I feel a trembling within my soul, something that moves me to the core, I fill with anticipation, my mouth waters.

I just can't help myself, I just want to take a bite out of those chicken breasts.

My love for chicken breast has embarrassed me in the past, indeed it has.

There was once a situation where I found myself intoxicated with orange juice. ORANGE JUICE! You're probably thinking it was spiked, but no it was not, I just suffer from sugar induced hyperactivity, and that night I had consumed 16 cups of orange juice.

As you can imagine I was on a sugar high so far out there, the finer points of sensibility and appropriate behavior were lost on me.

Now there was a girl, her name Veronica, and the Lord had seen fit to endow her well. Her cup runneth over. She was sitting at the table when a friend of mine asked which portion of the chicken he had roasted I wanted. In my crazy state of highness, I yelled out with such passion "the breast, I WANT THE BREAST!"

It was then and only then that the haze of sugar high cleared and I realized that the young lady was there at the table. She smiled at me. I went red in the face, got my chicken, this was of course important to me, and I ran off.

It was embarrassing at the time, she went back to england and a month later wrote to me saying that I should come visit and we could discuss those breasts. More embarrassment.

However this has not stopped my love for breasts, chicken breasts rock! While everyone fights for the small parts like the drumsticks, the wings, thighs, I just go for the mighty breast. That juicy, tender breast.

Chicken breasts make me a happy boy.